AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

If it takes 30 minutes to shower and you live in a shared house with one bathroom you shouldn’t shower at peak morning time though.

it often takes me 20/30 mins to wash my hair but when I lived in a shared house I would wash it at a non peak time and double check with everyone first.

It isn’t you. It’s her.

I literally said in my OP, BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done) so for two minutes before we left, and he kept it short for the exact reason you and everyone say he shouldn’t be hogging the bathroom, because it wasn’t his home and he didn’t want to use it any longer than he had to.

I appreciate that from her side while she was seething that it probably sounded to her like we were both using it for ages, but the fact is that he barely used it at all, and that we had barely been in the flat. So people continuing to berate me because they think he was using more than his share of the utilities is just misreading the whole thing.

It's not her, it's you.

Anyway I’ve messaged her that I’ll essentially be moving out but keeping some things in my room for storage, and she sent me some very angry messages accusing me of trying to get out of paying for the utilities and I’ll be expected to pay my share.

I hadn’t given it any thought tbh but it’s what we agreed to so of course I’ll pay my third. But it’s just another aggressive and needless accusation. I think my instincts are right and it’s best I keep away from her as much as I can.

What does this mean? Are men allergic to blood?

Just so down about it all. I always been quiet and kept my head down at school and uni so I’ve never had someone be so horrible to me, at least not to my face. I’ve worked with difficult managers and colleagues who were upsetting but this feels very personal.

It’s using language like “this is your fault” and “you better not be….” that I’m finding upsetting.

Have you spoken to your other flatmate about the situation? It sounds an upsetting situation, but it's also dramatic to move out over it.

Seriously, who has a bath these days in the morning, or at any time?
When I was a student in the late 70s we showered.
I might just have to say spoilt.

It’s a shower bath. I didn’t build it! I just had a shower!

No but I barely know her. I don’t think talking to her would help. No idea if I’d impacted her morning too but I didn’t see her in the morning either, I assumed she was still asleep. It would be very bad luck if they were both sitting furiously in their rooms waiting for me.

I guess it’s not what I’m used to. In my previous flats the girls were in and out of the kitchen/bathrooms 7:30-9am - it was busy!

Literally always with all the various flatmates I’ve had. Hey shall I go in at 7 and you at 7.30? Not complex. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be there without express permission from flatmates. They might agree to an overnight per week if he buys wine or something.

This - half an hr is a normal amount of time to be getting ready(!).

Op, stop explaining yourself now. You meant no harm. You don't need to explain yourself to strangers on the Internet. Have a good night now!

It doesn’t feel that dramatic - I spend most of my time at BF’s house anyway because he practically lives next to the campus. I’m just moving more of my stuff over.

Oh someone asked why I wasn’t living with him already. He did tentatively suggest it but we’d only been together a few months at that point so it felt a bit early.

Thanks, yeah you’re right.

She’s annoyed your bf stayed over.
First morning of lectures better to just be the housemates to establish routines etc.

She sounds quite nasty and a bit unhinged.
I think you should go to pastoral services and ask for support.
Yes she might have been irritated but completely losing control like that is batshit.

Keep those texts.
I wouldn't be forced out of your flat.

I think it’s selfish to spend 30 mins in a shared bathroom, especially in the morning when everyone is trying to get ready to leave.
If there’s only one loo, that makes it worse.
You could all have an evening shower, so that in the morning you all have a chance to use the loo and clean your teeth. Monopolising the bathroom for almost an hour between you and your boyfriend is really unfair.

Are your names on any shared bills? She could financially fuck you over as you'll be fully liable for the whole bill, not just your third.

I feel sorry for the third person left behind with her. Make sure you exchange phone numbers with no. 3 so you don't have to communicate about bills with the nutter

It's a shame you're not addressing the situation more constructively though. You'll come across more of these people in the workplace, you can't always just move away. You should also contact university pastoral care.

There's no need to move out over it. It's all very unpleasant but it will blow over.

It is you that is creating all the drama and angst here. You hogged the bathroom and were inconsiderate. And then sent inflammatory texts at bedtime making big pronouncements. Then having a canary that you've had combative responses to your combative behaviour.

@Confused383838 it honestly isn’t you. You can just message and say “Of course I will continue to pay my share because I still need my own place” (it’s a shame you feel your only option is to move out and it’s a shame you’re on the same course - I do think I’d quietly talk to the Uni people so someone knows what’s happened, just in case she tries to make trouble).

That’s a good point but she’s on all the bills.

I work part time and through the holidays so I have seen my share of difficult people. If someone at work screamed at me, made accusations and blamed me for their choices then I would definitely report it to my manager or to HR. I just don’t want to make it worse if she’s actually unhinged - I might still have to work with her in group stuff. Best to disengage.