AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

I think most people would assume if they could hear running water in the bathroom that the bathroom was in use. It's fairly unusual to spend 10 minutes cleaning the bathtub after you've had a shower, most people just clean it with the shower quickly when they've finished.

Your flatmate is going to be hard work.

This is what I’m worried about. 😭 I don’t want to spend the year on edge and trying to avoid her. I don’t like her very much after the screaming.

Was the screaming out of character? I mean it's possible she was stressed because of it being the first day and the inability to wash her hair was the last straw (though still not excuse to scream at you). But you've presumably known her for some time, I'd cut her some slack if she's not normally like this.

I would normally just rinse the bathtub, but it was so heavy. I went back into the bathroom briefly I could still smell it - I wasn’t planning on scrubbing it down. I thought I was being considerate to my new flatmates and all. 😭

We’ve never had any issues before but it’s been quite a light friendship.

Shared accommodation, shit is bound to happen. Did you do it on purpose? Of course not! Ignore. Apologise and forget about it. I always used to apologise in my student digs even if it was not my fault. Apologise and forget about it.

I have a feeling this is the real her that’s come out.

What makes you think that?

When I was a student boyfriends only stayed over at the weekend.
This was in the rules for the University student accomodation.

A normal person would have popped their head out of the bedroom and asked when the bathroom would be free as they had a class to get to. Maybe she is on her period too, and feeling a bit irritable! Apologise for the misunderstanding and carry on living your life.

Sounds like you and bf hogged the bathroom with no thought for your roommate.

Did she give permission for him to be there?

In our shared bathroom before a shower you would shout ‘am having a shower if anyone needs the loo go now’.

Unfair of your friend to have to come out in her PJ’s ask for the loo in front of your BF.

YABU

I don't really understand why you Scrubbed the bath.
I also think you are unreasonable to expect her to knock or demand use of an occupied bathroom. If there is only one bathroom then half an hour if not longer, is excessive in my opinion. I'd be quite annoyed.

Find somewhere else..You'll feel.more relaxed away from her. And dont try to appease her. She was over the top.

Sorry, but I think that it was up to you to let F know that your bf would be staying over and ask her what time he could use the bathroom so that he did not inconvenience her.

I don’t think this one is really your fault BUT I think the optimal thing to do is take photocopies of your notes (if that’s an thing) and pour her a glass of wine and apologise. Something along the lines of sorry term started off in a bad way, lessons learned around how we can improve our morning routine… then everyone can just draw a line under it and crack on.
of course if she is still sulky or kicks off again then that’s a different matter …

Agreed. I would ask others if they needed the toilet before I showered knowing I’d be a long time when it’s peak morning. Some would feel embarrassed to bypass your boyfriend to ask for a wee! You need to talk to her and make sure everything is sorted between you both.

I suspect the bathroom being blocked by someone who wasn't even supposed to live there probably enraged her further.

30 mins tbh is not that long in the morning. But when you feel your facilities are being blocked by someone who you feel shouldn't be there it causes additional angst.

It may be possible that the bathroom incident is just a trigger point for her generally feeling that facilities are being monopolised by people that shouldn't be there.

That doesn't mean she handled it well. But does mean you probably need to have some discussion with her about the whole thing. Maybe your boyfriend being there has affected her in some other ways that she is less forthcoming with.

Is it a drama course? Because you need to take a breath.

She's probably not a horrible person, you haven't fucked up the whole year (by September 16th?) and she definitely could have gone to class without washing her hair.

Just crack on with it & act normal, it was a misunderstanding, you're settling into living together and maybe you'll communicate better next time. Maybe she was nervous about the first day back & wanted to look nice and all the fannying about sent her into a spin & you saw the worst of her.

However if there are three of you paying to live there and only one shower your BF increases the time pressure in a morning, be mindful of this.
And if she screams about washing her hair again tell her to get fucked.

I’m surprised by all the people needing half an hour in the bathroom! Surely a 10 minute shower plus 5 minutes to use the loo and brush your teeth is enough. The rest you do in your bedroom (skincare routine, hair, make up etc), especially in a shared house

EDIT: ignore me - OP drip-fed that she is in uni accommodation.

BF was in my room the whole time. He spent maybe 2 mins in the bathroom.

I guess I’m worried because the level of rage from her was unreal. It was proper screaming at me for several minutes like I’d done something terrible thing to her, I was a bit frightened and had a cry about it after. If she’d been stressed in the morning because she was late and came out to scream at me I would have sort of understood. But she approached me long after - she’d just had a shower (her hair was wet and she was in her bathrobe) and she’d had a couple hours to stew over it. She could have said something calmly but her rage had obviously been building.

With comments like this you're the one who is sounding like hard work. Just stop with the drama. You caused it all by having boyfriend stay over without asking the others first. Loads can't abide an extra person hanging around, she may not like him anyway and it changes the dynamics to go from 3 singles to 2 singles and a couple.

You/him took up an unnecessary 20mins of bathroom time at a busy time of day. If you're in uni accommodation why couldn't boyfriend just leave upon waking and go toilet/shower etc at his place? And what's all this nonsense about being able to smell your period after you'd left the bathroom?! If you'd rinsed away any blood in the shower then what's to smell? If it's the pad in the bin you can't help that so long as the bin has a lid. Just change the bin bag regularly. If it's not the bin then maybe there's a problem and you need a doctor's appointment. If I saw someone cleaning the bathroom I'd not be asking them to stop so I could use it, if they'd messed it up so badly it needed cleaning I'd want them to be the one to clean it! So I'm not surprised the flatmate didn't come out of her room, she knew you were both in there constantly because she could hear it or had popped her head out and saw.

You were totally inconsiderate towards her by hogging the bathroom because you were being paranoid and by having your boyfriend to stay without prior discussion. Yeh she shouldn't have shouted at you but it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been inconsiderate in the first place. Not one thought given by you to how she may have been stressed out or nervous about her first day back at class.

So stop all this bullshit about having to tiptoe round her, there's no evidence you have to do that, just be considerate and respectful to others and I'll bet there'll be no more arguments. You caused this so stop playing the victim. You'll be telling us you've got anxiety next and basically expecting everyone to tiptoe around you because of it. You seem like the type.

It is not acceptable to say nothing at the time then rant later. It isn’t ok to rant at all, really, unless you’re a persistent offender. I wouldn’t be happy about her reaction either @Confused383838

She should have stuck her head out at the time and asked what was going on.

It was her choice not to go to class.

You’ve apologised for the misunderstanding, but a lot of this is on her. How are things with her day to day, putting aside your worries for the moment? Is she talking normally to you?

edited to clarify it was F’s reaction that is problematic.

I think this whole post says more about you than it does about me. Thanks for making the effort to type it all out anyway and good luck to you. 😂