AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

Well he hadn’t invited me before and I don’t want to be so dependent on him anyway. If we split up I would be stuck without a home. I don’t have any choice but to keep paying for the flat, but it’s probably best to have somewhere else just in case.

Have you considered that the flatmate might have something else going on that’s troubling her?? All too easy to put people in boxes when things go wrong……try talking to her, she might display anger when she’s feeling scared, upset, worried etc.

Thanks but I disagree, it’s fine to have a good cry. But I am going to pick myself up and
do well this year.

It's hard to know exactly where fault lies when we only get one biased side of the story, and in the real world things aren't always black and white, and rarely is one person totally to blame and the other blameless.

But, reading between the lines, you were pretty selfish, both by having your boyfriend to stay without prior discussion, and by hogging the bathroom between you at peak time. It seems like when pulled up on this, rather than taking it on the chin, you're sulking about being told off.

Obviously, flatmate shouldn't 'yell' at you, that's indefensible. But, you did need to be pulled up on your selfish behaviour on that occasion. If you take a bit more care to be considerate in future, hopefully you won't have any more run-ins with your flatmate.

Sounds like she didn’t bother to get up and is using your time in the bathroom as an excuse for why she was late. If it happened exactly as you describe, you haven’t done anything wrong and she sounds like a very spoiled and selfish mare

Why does your accommodation have to be paid for the full year? The Renters Right Act is very clear - you just have to give two month's notice.

I don’t know - I would dig deeper for my friends but I used the word friend very lightly with her. We’re on the same course and went out a few times and I thought we got on. Given that we have to spend time together at uni I think it’s better if we just keep away from each other socially.

Well, it’s up to you but if either of you were my daughter I’d like to think you were looking out for one another and checking the other was ok …….

Get dressed in the bedroom. Teeth can be cleaned in the kitchen. 5-10 minutes is excessive to clean a bath 😣

I think it's a bit inconsiderate to let your boyfriend stay over on first day.
She's now assumed : He's Living there too and yous two will be hogging the bathroom EVERY morning.
Very inconsiderate behaviour.

And sluggish.

Well I’ve told her that he won’t be round much and won’t get in the way of her in the mornings again (not that he did) and I’m probably not going to spend much time in the flat now, so not sure what else I can do.

You are not understanding my point.
you said your housemate should have just gone to class with her hair messy, should have come out of ther room, should have done this or that.
You decided on the first night of a girls house to have a boy round, which is pretty shitty behaviour tbh. You don’t know about living with them or how they feel about men in their space. You also chose to prioritise your own issues and take a long time in the bathroom just before the course starts that you know that she has the same class as you as you have already said. You also chose to spend ages cleaning the bathroom and also chose to add extra time to bathroom use by adding this extra person in the mix.
what woman wants to be getting up and diving into the bathroom with a man around, she was probably waiting for you both to leave so she could use it in peace and not be seen in a towel T dressing gown.
you said she should have gone to class with unwashed hair? Why? Why didn’t you go to class unwashed? Period is not an excuse you could have wiped yourself quickly down and not had a shower… why does your period trump her hair?
maybe she is really conscious of her hair, same as you are with your period. Or maybe her greasy hair was becuase she is also on her period.

You say you are now worried about living with her, maybe she is worried about living with you?

im now a Post Grad student but I had something similar happen last year of UG uni. Moved my best friend in with me and my boyfriend. She flipped her shit on me the day she moved in — trashed house, called me all kinds of names and screamed at me after my BF went to bed. Emotionally abused me on the quiet so I’d sound bonkers. She even listened to us having (quite as we could manage) sex through the walls, and would spam us messages to put us off or start clapping.

she was horrible. I evicted her and covered her rent portion just for some fucking quiet.

we had plenty of time to spare when we left

Yes, but your flatmate didn't! Get up earlier.
I think it's not so much the actual individual time for each task (although I don't understand the epic cleaning or anything longer than a 5 min shower) but the accumulated effect - in, out, in, out. She's maybe waiting by her door trying to hear when you've finished but the two of you monopolised the bathroom at peak time and didn't leave her with much time to do what she wanted to do. A quick wash/teeth could be done in the kitchen sink come to that (your BF). You could have asked or shouted "bathroom's free!"
She should have knocked on the door or asked, she shouldn't have shouted at you but you and your BF could have been more timely and considerate.

I wouldn't have wanted to risk running into someone else's boyfriend as soon as I get up, especially if I was feeling so grotty about my appearance I would rather miss class than be seen with unwashed hair. That's not a proportionate response from her to miss class but does suggest some insecurities.

I need to use the toilet when I get up, so wouldn't want to be feeling manky and be stood round waiting and desperate for the toilet.

Boyfriends just staying at weekends seems sensible. Otherwise don't be so bloody dramatic. It was one row, you live on top of one another and are likely to fall out at times. Just move on.

I would say that you could do with seeing a doctor if your periods are that heavy OP in case it's a symptom of something amiss.

I don’t think you should’ve apologised. I’d send her a message writing everything out clearly as you’ve done here, say you just wanted to follow up one more time about it to make everything clear and you don’t think her reaction to you was fair and if she feels that way about anything (bathroom related to otherwise) in future she needs to communicate that to you at the time rather than screaming at you after the fact.

I would say regardless of the reason, no one should he screaming at you.

If she cannot discuss like an adult then maybe she shouldn't live with people.

I guess I am being judgemental. If I was desperate for the bathroom and I thought my flatmate was taking an excessive amount of time then I would have knocked. And I found it very difficult to take seriously “I missed class because I couldn’t wash my hair”. If hair was so important I would have washed it and been late. These are decisions that she made - to not communicate, to not go to class. Yes I was inconsiderate, but I didn’t know if she was upset about BF or not being able to go into the bathroom - she didn’t say anything until it was too late and then after a couple of hours was still so angry she screamed at me. And I don’t think I was entirely selfish - I certainly didn’t want to be cleaning the bathroom on the first morning before a 9am class - I was trying to mop up blood. 🙄

(This wasn’t the first night either - we moved in on different days the previous week and already had a girls night without BF.)

Then nip it in the bud.

When you talk, let her know you are sorry for hogging the bathroom. Then say to her if she has other issues she needs to speak to you.. but you won’t tolerate her screaming at you.

There’s often a learning curve when living with others. Forgiveness and forgetting will go a long way.

When things have calmed down, talk to her again and perhaps arrange a schedule. Agree number of days bf can stay, and don’t be upset if she says one or 2.
Perhaps you agree to get up much earlier when your boyfriend is over.
Is there only one bathroom?

And I found it very difficult to take seriously “I missed class because I couldn’t wash my hair”.

I have 2 dcs. One just putting the finishing touches to his dissertation (final year). The other is starting his 4th year fir engineering.

The idea that

• she couldn’t go to class because she hadn’t washed her hair
• not going to class was a disaster

errr… made me 😵‍💫😵‍💫😂 Seriously attendance at both my dcs Uni has been around 10~15%. Everything is recorded anyway.

The shouting wasn’t on. If there is any grievance, then you talk to the other person.

I know you said you knew her before but had you lived with her before?
And is there someone else in the house?

Id just leave it.
Don’t worry about it. She’ll calm down.

Crikey everyone needs to calm down, it is a storm in tea cup, just brush it off and it will probably blow over. I'd just act normally around the flatmate.

She probably overslept and wanted to blame it on someone else.

@Pinkissmart I’m not sure a rota, getting up earlier etc..would help.
The OP needed a shower and needed to clean the bathroom afterwards. Not a lot that can be planned ahead. And getting up earlier wouldn’t have changed things Seeingbthat the housemate didn’t answer the door. So she

Don't shower in the morning is unwritten rule in shared flats unless you get up extra early . Not at the same time as you're all getting ready