AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

Thanks, yes I’ve messaged essentially what you suggested.

I’ll think about talking to pastoral care - I don’t know what they offer exactly - do they take notes and make reports? Or are they just a sympathetic face to talk to now and then?

Forgive me if this has been covered but what did you and your BF do the previous evening? Were you noisy, did you cook and 'take over' the kitchen, have music on etc? I'm wondering if she was angry from the evening before and then the bathroom thing made her explode? She shouldn't have shouted / screamed at you of course .

I'm only questioning it because when I shared a house, I used to end up fuming at my flatmate when her BF stayed - think v noisy sex, taking over communal areas of the house, music and laughter until the early hours. I didn't shout but inside, I was livid. I had to calm down before being able to raise it and discuss it.

The four of us spent the evening chatting m, catching up, talking about the year ahead and having dinner together! We cooked separately, no taking over the kitchen. I thought we had a nice time! No loud music, no alcohol. Then BF and I went to bed to sleep at a reasonable hour (because 9am class!). Plus it’s a small and stupidly high single bed that we could both barely fit on so it was clearly a mistake for him to stay over.

Oh gosh, then I simply don't know what to say that hasn't already been said by others.

Pastoral care varies by uni - but first of all they're a starting point for when you're concerned about something. Go and ask them how they can help.

Her screaming episode and subsequent texts have put you in a precarious housing situation. You can also frame it as a concern for her wellbeing.

Yeah the flat is expensive and a stretch to pay for. I’m grateful BF is happy that I’m going to stay with him after all and he isn’t going to charge me anything.

I agree that half an hour is not long, but if you catch it at the peak time someone else wants to be in there, it can be very frustrating. I remember how my late mother would go into the bathroom JUST when I needed to brush my teeth after breakfast - it was the last ten mins I had before I needed to leave to catch the bus to work, and you just feel so thwarted! Many a morning I just had to leave without cleaning my teeth or do it at the kitchen sink. And I have found with other people that I only have to THINK about going to have a shower and they're in there, quick as a flash! There's something about the bathroom thing that's uniquely frustrating and out of all proportion to the actual event. I think it's the residential equivalent of road rage. Bathroom rage!

It's also possible that it might have been longer than OP thinks.

Twice, I've had people to stay who didn't think to close doors quietly if they were up when it was past 11pm and everyone else was in bed. Bang! Crash! Slam! Over and over. This is what it's like living with people sometimes. OP, if you have a lovely flat and you previously got on with her, try to make up. And focus on being happy, not right. She had the Bathroom Rage, that's all. It happens. I loved my mum to the ends of the earth, but I still wanted to strangle her when she nipped in just as I needed to clean my teeth!

Her not going to class because she hadn't washed her hair is ridiculous. She should have gone anyway and resolved to organise bathroom slots in future. I wouldn't say that, though....

Why are you being such a pushover though? She has one unhinged rant and she gets effectively a two person share for the price of a three bedroom with you paying rent and utilities but hardly staying at the place. I'd have told her you used the bathroom for a personally reasonable time and will continue to do so and she can learn to communicate like an adult. And then continue to shut her down in any future rants.

OP, I do think you're catastrophising a bit. One argument and you've extrapolated it to your whole year being threatened/spoiled. You also sound EXTREMELY knocked off-centre about being yelled at. If she screamed so much, that's her issue, not yours. Don't let it freak you out. Of course she should not have done that, but don't let it spoil your whole year. I bet if you wait a bit, she'll apologise.

If it was a one-off then fine. But I can’t be dealing with future rants or tension at home or spending any more time thinking about it. The dynamics of a 3 person flat are clearly more fragile than the 7 person flats I’ve lived in before! I thought it would be fun to live with her and it’s clearly not going to be that, it’s going to be stress and worry. I’m just lucky to have another better option so I’m going to enjoy the company of easygoing BF instead.

Oh I know you’re right, but I want to put her and her crazy behind me already. I just want to knuckle down and study and not have to keep checking my watch when I’m in the shower. I’ve spent hours turning it over in my head already, and I know I’ll keep doing it every time we have an issue.

Half an hour is not that long for two people to be using the bathroom in the morning. It’s not even that long for two people. Are you the angry room mate? How long does it take you to wash your hair 🧐

Oh gawd, your last question. When I was studying abroad, my friend came to stay. She took TWENTY MINUTES IN THE SHOWER IF SHE WASN'T WASHING HER HAIR, AND FORTY MINUTES IF SHE WAS! I've never forgotten it. That's time actually in the shower, with the water running, not time in the bathroom. 🙈 And there were three of us!

I had no idea that people stand under the running water for so long. A few years ago, on another website, I did a poll about how long people spend in the shower, as I was remembering this experience with my friend. Lots of people replied, and the number of people who said they are in the actual shower for forty minutes was astonishing. This was at least 15 years ago. I really hope people are being more careful these days.

How about you all agree to use the facilities within a reasonable amount of time and leave them looking as you would wish to find them?

If your boyfriend has such a wonderful, large house, why the fuck didn't you stay there instead of squeezing an extra person into a flat with one bathroom?!

Jesus you're hard work, I'm not surprised she lost her temper with you and I'm willing to bet there are other little stories like this peppered in your history. Nothing is ever your fault, eh?

Didn't have your contact lenses in and didn't think to put glasses on, so hogged the bathroom for half an hour. Jesus Christ.

Urgh what a weirdo. Brings back all kinds of (horrible) memories from house shares. The worst thing you did was perhaps be inadvertently inconsiderate while trying to be considerate. But nothing you did warranted a silent strop followed by verbal abuse. She needs to learn how to use her big girl voice and communicate properly. She is probably trying to set herself up as Queen Bee of the residence and you mention feeling like you now need to tiptoe. Eff that. Don't play into it. Just carry on doing you...be kind, civil and considerate but don't make yourself smaller to appease a mentalist. I did this in my final uni year due to similar circumstances. I began keeping myself in my room, avoiding communal spaces etc. and you know, it ends up really affecting your confidence and happiness. Please don't go down that route!

Begin extracating yourself from the tenancy contract. It can be done trust me, there are ways. She has shown who she is and I wouldn't let your final year - which will be stressful enough - be ruined. Your home needs to be a sanctuary as much as possible!

There are a LOT of crazy people in the world! Sounds like you might not have encountered that much yet. 🤔 You will have some truly batshit colleagues, people in your friend circle or extended family will probably marry a crazy person or two, and someone who previously seemed sane will turn out to have a temper, like your flatmate. Or else they will make decisions that make no sense whatsoever. Since you're final year uni, I must be thirty years older than you. I have seen a lot of crazy in my time. It's part of life. All you can do is stay away from it as much as possible and remember that it's their issue, not yours. Oh - and some people who were perfectly sensible in their twenties make such terrible decisions in their thirties and forties that you really wonder where their brain cells have gone. Honestly, the less you expect everyone to be sane and normal, the better off you'll be!

Gosh, this all brings back to me my falling out in a bad way with my flatmate, over her BF staying over and hogging the bathroom when I was needing to get in and ready for work. We only had the one bathroom with combined loo. I’m not a combative person, and I wasn’t confident enough to knock on the door, but my bedroom was a distance from the bathroom and I really needed to go to the loo, wash face etc before work. He kept hogging the bathroom at my peak time, and it was so annoying. I made the mistake of mentioning it. We fell out, and given the power imbalance of her being the owner, we never recovered and I moved out.

YABU and now seem to be making it worse by saying you’re moving out, and in her eyes leaving her with the shared bills to pay.

Tell her to get a grip and wash her hair the night before like a normal person knowing she had to be up for class or better still use her words and communicate that she needed to use the bathroom!

You said he used the loo did he leave a big smell in there?

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