AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

Is that you F? 😂

As ever with these kind of posts I wonder what went on before this that you were too inconsiderate to consider.

Aren’t you all mature enough to communicate ffs?! Why didn’t flatmate ask to use the bathroom, if you left the door open she must have seen what you were doing and why didn’t you make more effort to let her know the bathroom was vacant and clean?

On an alternative note…..might she have overslept and missed class??

Nothing! I hadn’t spent a lot of time in the flat before we started the term. I hadn’t seen her all summer. Before that she was the one who suggested living together. We didn’t keep in touch much otherwise, but we were both quiet and friendly in class.

I guess that’s part of the shock - I’m pretty quiet and reticent compared to the others on my course who are more lively and sociable and I thought we were similar in personality. But no she’s scary! I can’t imagine getting to that level of upset unless something terrible had happened. Even if I had missed a class (I have), I would be super annoyed with myself, I would not be screaming about it.

QED

Sounds like you're doing the right thing by spending more time at BF's, saves any bad feeling caused by changing accommodation while she's on the same course and gives you space from flatmate.
Good luck, enjoy your final year.

Maybe you flatmate did not want to come out because she was unwashed, in her pyjamas and did not want your boyfriend to see her. She is your flatmate not his.

She is probably thinking she is going to have to live with someone who takes ages in the bathroom whose boyfriend is round all the time. No she should not have screamed at you, no you should not have both spent prime time in the bathroom. Talk this out when she has calmed down.

Sorry you feel that way! Have you never vented to someone or online to process something upsetting? All I’ve said to her face is sorry, but this is what happened. I’m not planning to go on about it to anyone else IRL.

This is such a dumb comment. Do you cast everyone out from your vicinity just because you've started your period?

I did wonder as she’s missed classes before which is why I knocked on her door. 🤷‍♀️ She was so angry at me though.

I agree I was inconsiderate having BF over and not being clear that the bathroom was available. But this was the first few days of living together and a misunderstanding has already pushed her over the edge. I don’t think it’s about waiting for her to calm down, I think that misunderstandings and disagreements inevitable when you live together and I don’t need to live with this level of aggression.

There is no way your flatmates could smell your period after you’d showered. Any blood would have been rinsed away cleanly along with water, shower gel, shampoo etc. It was odd to spend 10 minutes scrubbing a shower just because you’d bled while you were in it.

If your period smells that bad that it lingered in the room after you’d showered, there’s something wrong with you.

But in any case I don’t want to live with such a horrible person. It’s a shame as it’s a lovely flat otherwise and I was looking forward to my final year.

You and your boyfriend dominated the bathroom for almost an hour at a time when others also needed to use it, and you think your flatmate is the horrible one?

I’d have been really annoyed, especially if it were the boyfriend - someone who doesn’t even live in those - taking up the bathroom in the morning when I had to get to work/ university early.

And the extra 15 mins are for someone who doesn’t live there and pays no bills!!! So shouldn’t have been hogging the bathroom when the 2nd flatmate needed to use it!!!

any didn’t your bf use the toilet etc while you were in the shower?

It’s a shame now you are committed to paying for halls for the year that this conversation with your boyfriend didn’t happen prior.

I’d suggest nights you want to spend with with your boyfriend you do at his place given it’s so nice. Then nights you want to spend closer to university you stay alone in your room.

In my university halls we weren’t allowed people staying over.

Does the law not apply in that case? Certainly if it’s university-owned student accommodation and you’re a final year student then you surely wouldn’t be living there for over a year. I’d suggest checking the terms of your tenancy to be certain of what you’ve signed up for.

Off course we only have the ops version of events and even those are not particularl good.

Have you considered that she may have started her period too and needed the bathroom and couldn’t get into it as you were faffing around and then your boyfriend hogged the bathroom after you! He doesn’t live there doesn’t pay bills yet was in the bathroom when your fm needed it! And then you have the arrogance to have a go at other people who don’t agree with you! No wonder she shouted at you!!!

it often happens when women live together or work together that their periods coordinate and they end up having them the same times

She may have started her period too and have blood on her pjs and not wanted to come out as the flatmates bf was there! Has that been considered either??

Sigh. I explained than I was caught by surprise, I’m short sighted so I was worried I missed some smears on the toilet or drops on the floor so I cleaned that too. The extraction fan is also weak and there’s no window. It was probably the toilet that the smell was coming from but the bathtub took the longest to clean because I was trying to do it whilst already dressed and trying not to get wet, which was silly. I could go into minute detail about why I cleaned and how but does it really make a difference?

I won’t bother replying to posts saying BF hogged the bathroom - he was barely in it.

Why on earth weren't you living at your bf's in the first place? Surely that is ideal for you and bf and doesn't inconveniences anyone else. And is cheap or even free.

it often happens when women live together or work together that their periods coordinate and they end up having them the same times

I’m sure this is true, but unlikely after a few days and minimal time spent together. 😂

I recon the bathroom was occupied when she woke up so she fell back asleep and didn't wake up in time to get to class.

That theory has been long debunked.

The idea that women synchronize their menstrual periods with family members, housemates, or parents is a myth. While many people experience overlapping cycles and assume a biological connection exists, modern scientific research has debunked menstrual synchrony as a mathematical certainty of chance and confirmation bias. 1, 2, 3, 4]

🏛️ The Origin of the Myth

• The McClintock Effect: In 1971, researcher Martha McClintock published a study in Nature tracking 135 college women. She claimed that roommates and close friends synchronized their cycles due to interpersonal pheromones. 1, 2]
• Cultural Adoption: The idea spread rapidly because it felt like a powerful form of social bonding or shared biology among women and family units. 1]

🔬 Why it Was Debunked

• Flawed Methodology: Critics later pointed out severe statistical and mathematical errors in McClintock’s original data. The study did not account for natural overlapping by pure chance. 1, 2]
• Failure to Replicate: Dozens of rigorous follow-up studies over the decades—tracking diverse groups like roommates, mothers and daughters, and lesbian couples—failed to find any evidence of synchronization. 1, 2]
• The Clue & Oxford Study: A massive modern study by the helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/do-menstrual-cycles-sync-unlikely-finds-clue-data&ved=2ahUKEwi1o-mAwPOWAxVbgK8BHS1hN9sQy_kOegoIAggACAAIFhAN&opi=89978449&cd&psig=AOvVaw3pAoo7C17EkPTDH2Gu8jqp&ust=1789661835014000" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">fertility app Clue and Oxford University tracked over 1,500 pairs of women. They found that cycles actually diverged (moved further apart) over time rather than aligning. 1, 2]
• No Human Pheromone Proof: Science has never found a biological mechanism or human pheromone that can adjust or alter someone else's ovulation schedule from the outside. 1, 2]

🧮 Why Periods Seem to Sync

• Basic Math: The average menstrual cycle lasts 28 days, and a period lasts about 5 days. Given the mathematical variance of cycle lengths among individuals, it is statistically inevitable that two women living together will eventually bleed at the same time. 1, 2]
• Confirmation Bias: The human brain naturally notices and remembers patterns. People recall the rare months they got their period at the exact same time as a parent or roommate, but completely forget the months their cycles were completely out of sync. src="https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/yW05hMPqEWE?start=107" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen> 1, 2]

Communication is key, discuss who is going in the bathroom and at what time.

Also work on your resilience. To be crying over this is ridiculous.