AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

I did apologise for taking too long but I also said that she could have just knocked on the door and told me she needed the bathroom.

But in any case I don’t want to live with such a horrible person. It’s a shame as it’s a lovely flat otherwise and I was looking forward to my final year.

So you/your boyfriend monopolised the sole bathroom for the best part of half an hour during morning peak-time?

And you’re surprised your flatmate was upset? Really?

I mean if it had been me and I didn’t have time to wash my hair I would have gone to the class anyway. Or washed my hair quickly and gone in late. Class surely comes first.

As I said she could have come out at any point and said something, not waited until it was too late.

I don't think half an hour even for 1 person, that includes toilet, shower, and cleaning up after yourself, is actually excessive. She could have knocked and asked, she could have got up earlier, she could, knowing she shares a bathroom, washed her hair the night before or communicated her need to wash her hair in the morning, the night before.

She chose to take the childish route of sitting in her room seething, not answering her door, and then exploding at you later. What a twat.

Would you also have screamed at me?

You didn't fuck anything anything up. She's being weird and she shouldn't have moved into a place with a shared bathroom if she's going to freak out when other people use it.

When I lived in such places, I knew that I had to get up earliest if I wanted to guarantee the bathroom would be free. Any later was a gamble. Not a life or death gamble though. The absolute worst case scenario was that I would shower later in the day.

I probably wouldn't have gone back in and scrubbed the bath, provided it had been rinsed well from your shower. But if she didn't appear during that time then that's neither here nor there.

She was clearly unreasonable not popping out to check if she could use the bathroom at any point, and if this is the first time she / you has shared accommodation it might just take a wee bit of time to adjust to sharing.

Screaming at you was obviously unreasonable.

Since the changes in May there’s no such thing as a fixed term private tenancy. All tenancies are now on a rolling basis with no fixed end date so you’re not contracted to live there for a year or more if you don’t want to be.

If you know you both have a 9am class, then you need to discuss bathroom use in advance. If you go in at 8am, take 30 minutes and you have to leave for class at 8.30, then you know she isn't going to have time to even go to the loo and be on time. She probably heard you get up, assumed she would have time to go in when you'd finished, and then you (or your BF) were constantly in there. But communication (as is the case for many things) would fix this.

It was terribly inconsiderate of you to get your boyfriend to stay over on the very first day living with these girls. I think if you share a home with other people, you don't bring overnight guests over. Nobody wants another random person in their home, using their facilities that he/she doesn't pay for.

I wouldn't have screamed at you, that's uncalled for, but you all definitely need to have a chat about boundaries, bathroom rotas and bringing boyfriends in to stay the night. You have to all be on the same page.

Yeah I guess a discussion is needed, but I don’t normally take so long in the mornings so it’s never an issue, I’m usually face, teeth and go. But it was the first day of my period so just felt a bit yuk.

I think you are catastrophising a bit. You had your reasons, she was annoyed at not being able to use the shared bathroom for a while (quite rightly) but it’ll blow over.

Communication is key when living with others. If everyone had to get out early then the only way forward is agreeing a bathroom schedule. She was unreasonable to shout at you.

Not first day of living, but it was first day of classes which I agree may have been annoying. But we’re all final year students so not new to this and we were all getting on the night before.

I actually don't think you took long, I need at least 30 minutes to shower. But I guess that's another thing you need to talk about: how much time do each of you reasonably get to shower in the morning?

I’m not used to being yelled at tbh. I’m just a bit horrified that she is not who I thought she was and I’m worried about having to tip toe around her and what she’s going to tell
about next.

Screaming at you is ridiculous. She should apogise.

I an u derstand why she thought the bathroom was in use if the water was running for half an hour. I wouldn't have come out to check, and I wouldn't tell you to hurry up, that's rude. I would have spoken to you calmly later.

Sounds like you need a rota. You can't rely on someone banging on the door if they think their need is greater than yours.

It’s university accommodation.

I guess when I’ve lived with other students before it’s quite normal to have boyfriends stay over, but I appreciate some people don’t feel that way.

I mean she shouldn’t have yelled at you but perhaps your boyfriend staying also added to her frustration. Hopefully she will apologise for shouting and then you can move on.

All sounds very dramatic. Maybe next time at the end of your shower just clean the bath before you even get out. You’ve been standing in running water anyway so it couldn’t have been that dirty. But agree, you need a rota if you all need to leave the house at the same time and if BF stays over, then he has to eat into your time.

People object to boyfriends when they are obtrusive e.g. they block access to the shared bathroom. No one objects to a boyfriend they scarcely noticed was there.

It was somehow beyond her to leave her room and see whether the bathroom was free?

It is also impossible for her to attend a class because she hasn't washed her hair?

Your flatmate is going to be hard work.

I think it’s a bit drama llama to miss a class because you couldn’t get in the bathroom. Isn’t there a law that you must have a sink in your room in HMOs? Class obviously wasn’t that important to her and she needed a scapegoat.

Please don’t normalize the idea that a shower needs to be scrubbed just because a woman had a period.