AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

Maybe she had PMT. maybe she was also,dealing with other stressor. She shouldn't have yelled. There were more grown up ways of deal8ng with it.

Shouting at you was unreasonable. Knowing that she's not able to attend her university lectures unless she's got clean hair and then expecting to walk straight into the bathroom at peak time was unreasonable.

You don't need to feel frightened of her, you're allowed to take up your space. It's likely this is less to do than you think it is. She's probably got stuff going on that you're not aware of that is nothing to do with you, and has worked herself up to the point that it's all about the bathroom and you. It's not. Tell her that you're always up for some adult communication if things are bothering her but you will not tolerate being shouted at for any reason.

If it was so heavy you could smell it after you and your boyfriend had a shower and then you had to clean the bath for 10-25 mins, then I would say you are both dramatic.

I don’t really care if people say they don’t believe it when I say she screamed at me. If she had said something to me calmly during or afterwards then we would have talked and I wouldn’t be posting about it! I’ve already said I’ve tried to see her pov, that she probably thought we were both using the bathroom excessively, and I agree I probably should have shouted that I was cleaning but I could clear off if anyone needed it.

But I also think that seething in your room and purposely missing class because your hair is not as clean as you’d like is silly and self defeating! It’s a very hard STEM course as well - when you miss classes you’re on the back foot and I’d hate to start the year like that.

She might be annoyed about something else but taking it out on you about this. Maybe has issues with you having a BF? I think it’s nice of you to clean up and 30 minutes isn’t a lot.
She’s being weird. I’m also very non- confrontational so I get the anxiety when someone flips out unexpectedly. Good luck with being back to normal or finding a better arrangement soon.

The screaming was not a great start, but I feel you need to rince shower/bath while you are in there and wear a robe back to your bedroom and dress and do makeup in there.
I'm a chronic faffer so I have had to learn the hard way.

Someone asked how things are now - we’ve been avoiding and cool to each other tbh.

I already said sorry to her and explained why, but she was still angry.

I totally believe she screamed at you. I saw some terrible behaviour in halls at uni.

Thank you

That was me asking how it is now @Confused383838 I think let the dust settle, but be ready to politely defend yourself and make your boundaries clear if she starts up again. If she tries to say you hogged the bathroom, you could say “we went in and out a few times but never once did you say anything and you didn’t answer when I knocked, so that’s not quite accurate”. What about the other flatmate, were they there, do they have a view? If things continue to feel awkward, do speak to the Uni accommodation people.

1 bathroom between 3 is different to 1 bathroom between 4.

I don't think you needed to clean the bathroom after your shower, as long as there's no visible evidence of period blood or anything else in the bath I'd have left that.

I also don't think your friend dealt with it very well but there could be all sorts of other things going on there.

I'm staying with relatives at the moment and I got really annoyed the other morning when I'd got up early on a Saturday to do a proper hair wash, armpit shave shower and the water stopped halfway through as someone else was in the other shower. I was covered in conditioner and shower gel suds and had to rinse with cold water from the sink. No big deal, no one died. But it piddled me off as I was going out in the afternoon and wanted my hair to look clean and nice, I wanted to wear a sleeveless dress so I wanted to shave my pits and it all took much more time and faff and threw off my whole morning. I was feeling shit about myself anyway as I can't afford to get my roots done because all my money has to go on house repairs at the mo, I was asked when my baby's due (not been pregnant for 15 years, I'm just chubby) and I've got a lot of other work and life stresses going on at the moment so it's hard to be easy breezy about inconveniences. I didn't shout or scream at anyone - that was out of order of your friend but maybe she's being a brat or maybe the hair washing was a bigger thing than you thought.

I'd also say, the people who live in the flat always get priority on the bathroom. She's possibly sat in her bedroom listening out for when there's no noise in the bathroom and it just went on and on and on.

In my home (4 or 5 of us and 1 bathroom) we will shout when we come out "I'm out! bathroom's free!" But the mate could/should have knocked on the door too.

She may have been fine with just you in the bathroom but when you throw your boyfriend into the mix...and all of this in and out of the bathroom over the space of half it hour...it could have really pissed her off. I have lived with couples and they have tended to put their other half before me.
I can guarantee that it was the presence of your boyfriend that pissed her off. Did you ever ask her if it was ok if he could stay?

I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault.
Really? A minor home issue and she's going to broadcast it to coursemates? Does she not have much of a life/much else to talk about? Or is that just how you imagine she'll behave?
She was pass-agg and looking for trouble anyway IMO. If you were cleaning with the door open, she could have come out at any point and asked if she could use the bathroom. And was it really such a disaster that she couldn't wash her hair? How bad could it have been?

She's being weird and she shouldn't have moved into a place with a shared bathroom if she's going to freak out when other people use it.

She moved into a place with OP, not the BF. I can see it's annoying on first morning of a new term to have another person in the mix taking up time/space. As for the scrubbing, I find that weird. If it was smelly, spray something and scrub later, but don't hog the bathroom like that during peak busy time on a big morning. Course she shouldn't have shouted, but people are hard to live with and this wasn't an auspicious start. Maybe stay at his place rather than having him stay over at yours until you've settled in together more. Take things slowly and then there won't be any triggers, so you can see if she's okay day to day.

Maybe she was stressed at the thought of missing her first class/day, I would’ve been fuming missing my first day because someone was cleaning the bathroom and then her BF was in there washing. Maybe she didn’t handle the stress well. Is it possible she didn’t want to come out of her room undressed or ready for the day because she felt uncomfortable to do so in front of your BF?

I did, I dressed back in my room so it was
unoccupied for that time. I went back briefly and decided then to clean.

I’m also just guessing how long it took. I rinsed the whole bathtub, wiped it down with cleaner spray, dried the floor, then I decided to give the toilet a wipe too. I’m not a clean freak, I just wanted the bathroom to look and smell fresh.

You meant well but this level of cleaning in the morning is too much.

She’s a gossip and loves to complain about the others on the course. I’ve heard it! Everyone on the course knows we’ve moved in together too.

You went to a lot of trouble to be ready for you and your BF's first day of term. Imagine being her and missing it. That's what you have to think. She's not concerned with your smelly period and giving the loo a wipe and all those things you wanted to do. She wanted to wash her hair and get to class, which isn't an unreasonable want on the first day back. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and limit boyfriend staying over till you're further into term and into a routine.

Yeah I can see that now. I’ll just quick rinse next time and use febreeze and be done with it if there’s a next time.

Why did it take you ten minutes to clean the bath?

i dont understand how/why. Dont you have a shower?

Imagine being her and missing it.
She could have tied her hair up and gone in and not missed it. Or come to see the OP, seen the bathroom door was open and realised it was fine to ask for access.

But missing class was down to her, not me.

Then move, I guess? I would have been annoyed too. Is boyfriend there a lot without paying? This might have been the last drop. She shouldn't have screamed.

She needs to find better topics of conversation then.
And are your coursemates really going to be agog or shun you on hearing a story about how you 'hogged' the bathroom?
Student life was much more fun in my day going by this.