AIBU after a flatmate shouted about the shared bathroom?

[Confused383838]

I’ve started living with a friend (F) and another person in a shared flat. I have a boyfriend (BF) who doesn’t live with us. We’re all on the same course together, final
year, and know each other.

On the first day of term my boyfriend had stayed over (one night) and we had a 9am class next day. I had a heavy period so in the morning I was in the communal bathroom for 10-15 mins in total (shower, teeth, loo), got dressed, and then came back to the bathroom to scrub the bathtub because I was conscious of my period and I wanted it to be clean for the next person - door was open while I was cleaning and it took another 5-10 mins. I’m guessing the number of minutes but I wasn’t taking my time at any point and I didn’t want to keep BF waiting, and if anyone had wanted to use the bathroom I would have made way. BF then used the bathroom for minimal time, (loo, washed face and done). F hadn’t emerged from her room during this time so I didn’t know if she’d already left or wasn’t in. I knocked on her door but no answer so BF and I left together with time to spare.

I didn’t see F in class. I headed back to the flat after. F emerged from her room and started screaming about me and BF using the bathroom all morning so she couldn’t wash her hair and she therefore missed the class. I was too shocked to say anything. I assume F thought that BF was using the bathroom when I was actually cleaning, and she was raging silently about it in her room rather than coming out and asking us to hurry up. After I had a few minutes on my own I went to speak to her and explained and she listened but I could see she was still furious at me.

I’ve lived with people before and shared bathrooms and never had issues. I don’t know if there is some bathroom
code I broke. I feel like I’ve just moved in with an insane person with a horrible hidden personality. I can’t leave as I’m contracted to living here for at least a year. We got on very well previously. It’s the start of the year and it’s a small class and I can’t escape from her at home or on my course. I thought I was being considerate and now I feel like I f*ed things up for the rest of the year. I know she’s going to complain to the other people on the course that it’s all my fault. I’m normally very passive and avoidant and it took a lot for me to go back to her and say you were wrong about BF, but now I don’t ever want to see her again. 😭

She knows him from being on the same course, he's not her boyfriend and he doesn't live there, if her boyfriend was in the bathroom on the first day of term how happy would you be? And it still stands that she may not want to come out of her room in night clothes with him hanging around.

Indeed. Very perpetual victim.

Wow - half an hour?? A good job you didn’t live in my household! Family of 7 all needing to use one bathroom (we did have another loo), in a short space of time in the mornings. But, we had timed slots of 10 minutes each and a clock in the bathroom. Times were negotiated originally, and it worked. No more dashing upstairs when one heard the lock undo. Peace and tranquility reigned. It just needed a bit of organisation.

Gosh. You sound lovely!

Hasn’t anyone had a heavy period suddenly come on when they are not prepared? I was worried I’d left drops or smears. I didn’t have my contacts in so I wasn’t sure if I missed something. It’s one thing to leave a hair or a bit of toothpaste, but leaving blood is gross. So I gave everything a wipe down to be on the safe side. I was already dressed by that point so I wasn’t as efficient as I could have been. I say 5-10 mins as I’m not sure
how long it took but I doubt it was more than 10 mins. I don’t think it was so late though as we had plenty of time to spare when we left.

I've had the sudden heavy period scenario, and I'm very short-sighted; I totally get this.

I don’t think you did much wrong but in a shared flat with a shared bathroom you need to be really considerate about having boyfriends over. First day of term is already busy and stressful, maybe he should have stayed at his own place.

You should both communicate with each other about timetables and if you have time critical moments when you need to shower etc. She knew the night before she wanted to wash her hair in the morning, she could have given you a heads up.

It was the first time he’s spent time and stayed in the new flat actually. Though he’s stayed with me occasionally in my previous accommodation.

You both need to move on.
You were inconsiderate, she was unreasonable to scream at you. Clearly she is exceptionally uptight about having her hair washed before going out, between you you failed to communicate properly. It’s a learning experience.
If she continues to deal with difficulties by yelling rather than sorting it out calmly you will have a problem, but there’s no point in assuming it’s going to be a regular thing until it actually is. Part of learning to live together is learning to work round each other’s weird habits and needs, and you might find once things have settled down and you have figured out what each other’s triggers are you will find a way to coexist rather than feel like you’re on eggshells.
If she is impossibly aggressive and really does scream at people on the least provocation, then you can involve the university, since it’s uni accommodation. It’s not unknown for people to get kicked out of university accommodation for unreasonable behaviour.

You need a rota if you have to share a bathroom. What time did you enter the bathroom and what time (after BF and cleaning) was it free for your flatmate to enter? If you had gone in at 7:30 you could have done your stuff leaving plenty of time for your flatmate to do her stuff and you could all have been on time for the 9:00 class. Likewise if she went in at 7:30. It sounds like there was no communication and you did your stuff in the crucial window leaving your flatmate no time to do her stuff and be on time. How would you have felt if your flatmate got in first and occupied the bathroom from 8:00 to 8:30 meaning you had no time to feel clean before a day of classes? This is easy to sort.

Thank you. Felt like I was going mad re the posts about periods and cleaning.

Also re other questions I don’t need to see a doctor thanks. It’s just a heavy day 1 period that quickly lightens and is over in 5 days.

You can just give your notice and move out if you're that bothered by this. You just need to give two months' notice.

10 mins to scrub a bathtub after someone's used the shower with a heavy period seems excessive. Even if you were bleeding directly onto the tub a 1 minute hose down once dressed should have removed any errant spots or clots stuck in the plug.

Aren’t you angry at how she spoke to you? You sound so passive in this. You apologised for taking too long, as she saw it. She needs to apologise for how she spoke to you. Hold firm on that because if she gets away with it now, you’re in for a horrible year. Be very calm, but firm and when she speaks to you again state that you don’t appreciate being screamed at, if she has a problem she needs to deal with it like an adult and you don’t appreciate being spoken to in an aggressive manner. Tell everyone on your course how she spoke to you but that you’re only telling them that because she’s bad mouthing you and you’d rather stay away from drama. Stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself.

Half an hour's not that bad. If she needed to wash her hair she should have got up earlier.

OP: You all need to have a conversation about what schedule you have so if early starts aren't manageable, whoever has 9am lectures gets first dibs. If you all have them then you need to agree a rota (and not fanny about hair washing etc).

Going to go against the grain here - no-one in my household spends more than 10 mins having their daily shower/loo/teeth. 15mins at a push, especially if you are aware that it is a shared space and you all had a 9am start. And unless you were recreating Carry in the shower, then nothing more than a squirt of cleaner and quick spray before you got out was needed.

So, yes, I think you were very unreasonable to hog the bathroom between you and your BF on the first day of lessons. At the very least, BF should have waited until after flatmate and any other PAYING resident had used the facilities before nipping in.

Perhaps uncalled for flatmate to ‘shout’ at you [unless you mean she just spoke ‘loudly and angrily’, rather than actually yelled at you], but it is very unreasonable of you to have put your flatmate in the position that her choice was: attend class with greasy hair/unclean OR arrive late. I’d have shouted too.

All in all, you owe an apology.

Thank you for the suggestions about cohabiting. I’ve been cohabiting for three years already, never needed a bathroom schedule. I only need 5-10 mins in the morning, don’t do makeup or fancy hair, and I don’t normally shower first thing but I was having an exceptionally messy morning, so I don’t know how one accounts for that.

I’ve been talking to BF and he’s suggested moving more of my things to his and spending more time there (which is bigger, a proper home he owns with spare rooms, no housemates, and is very close to uni so it’s convenient in many ways.) My accommodation has to be paid for the whole year anyway so I’ll keep it as a backup.

I think it might be for the best, finding out about it her this early. If BF had screamed at me like that for any reason then I wouldn’t put up with it either. I’m just getting a bad feeling about her and I don’t want to deal with tension at home and risk things academically.

Your flatmate anticipated a flat share for two and is paying 50% for that. Your BF is taking the monopoly over time and the space and services she is paying 50% for. Why wouldn't she get annoyed? BF goes last, or better still sleeps showers at his place! You and BF are the problem, get a flat share together or revert to the arrangement you made with flatmate!

There are few things worse than waiting to use the bathroom in the morning when someone else is in there and waiting and waiting while she would have heard you come out and then ..... go back in for another 10 minutes and then come out and then ... your boyfriend is in for another 10 minutes. It would have tried the patience of Mother Teresa.

She's out of order to shout at you, but you were very unreasonable to monopolise the bathroom (including a wash for your boyfriend!) for 30+ minutes at peak time when you know she needs to get to the same class as you. For all you know, she'd done some overnight treatment to her hair and needed to get in there before class.

But just talk it over and set some boundaries you can both live with - it will be fine.

Fine, keep on with the I'm right/she's wrong mindset and brace for more rows. You'd be better off moving out with the way you're talking about her already.

Thanks. Yes I’m angry, but mostly I’m just feeling down about agreeing to live with her. I’m thinking about the upcoming year and all the work and the final project and I don’t want conflict because she’s both at home and on my course and we take all the same classes. I get what you say about not being a doormat, but I don’t want to give her any of my time and energy, I want to give it all to my course.

If your period was that heavy, why did your boyfriend stay over? (I don't actually need an answer)

You’re just making things up. It was his first night staying there with me and he didn’t even use the shower. I agree I shouldn’t have had him over the night before the first day of term.

Why even ask. It started that morning in the bathroom when I wasn’t prepared.