AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

I would insist this Christmas you go to your family in the morning to open presents (or in the evening) and spend a good chunk of time there so it evens it up from last year. If anyone says but it is DH'S family's turn you can just say - it was my family's turn last year and we spent 6h at MILs. And be clear that if it is unreasonable to ask to split it then that needs to be both ways. And you ate happy to implement that rule from next year.

This idea multiple people have that it’s important to do the cake and family party on the birthday itself has really confused me. Do people really do this with super young children?

DS’ birthday is on a weekday. So he’s having a birthday tea with grandmothers, aunts and uncles and even great grandparents but on the weekend (so like 2 days before his birthday). This means people can spend a whole afternoon with us, I have time to set up, it’s not rushed etc.

I don’t understand how that would work on his actual birthday at this age. If he’s at nursery we wont get home until 6 and he’s exhausted. Everyone would be coming all the way round just for half an hour max to sing happy birthday with him and have a slice of cake.

This year we have taken the day off and want to do the zoo, but we won’t be doing that every year. And obviously wouldn’t expect any of our family members who work to take it off.

Do people really feel this cake on the day is preferable?

He needs to care about the family that he choose to create first. You and DS should be his priority. You can care for your mum without riding roughshod over your wife and kids.

This.

I don't think I've ever had any of my grandparents at my birthdays on the actual day. Maybe if it fell on half term and they were visiting. It's completely normal to want to take a child for a birthday outing without an entourage of extended family. Most normal people are happy as long as there is some sort of special occasion contact and the chance to give a present.

As for rotas, don't make yourself miserable trying to fit everyone's demands in. With people who are very needy like your MIL they will always want more out of you, they won't be satisfied.

I like doing birthdays on the day but that’s what works for our family. If the weekend before works for yours that’s totally fine and you don’t need to question it. You need to give yourself permission to do things your way. I appreciate you’re young and this is all new etc but you’ll find it really freeing when you do. If your child goes on to have kids they’ll need to learn to do things their way too, it’s just how it goes. Your mil needs to learn this too. The occasions will lose their shine if they become obligations and that’s sad.

Giving mil the benefit of the doubt it sounds like she’s very excited to be a grandma which is lovely but this is all new to her too. She’s used to being mum, centre of the family, and needs to adjust to her new role of grandma - a different but still lovely role.

Interesting. You can't do a quick birthday tea for family because he's at nursery and tired (he wouldn't be if something was going on) - but then he's not at nursery because you've taken the day off on his birthday to go to the zoo...confused!
And of course you can do a formal celebration at a weekend instead 🙄.
Equally I would advise against setting a precedent of taking time off work because of a birthday. Not a good policy in a working adult and older children then argue they can skip school on their birthday. They can't. Unauthorised absence.
A one off is fine of course at this age. 😊 But be aware that nurseries/pre school do report attendance up to infant schools, including taking birthdays off, so don't repeat that every year.

You're an adult aren't you?
You're letting this woman dictate like you are a child.
Get your big girl pants on and say "no that doesn't work for us. We can see you on this date or this date, what would you prefer?"

That's it!

It’s not interesting at all.

We COULD do a birthday tea on the day in future years but it would just be a quick cake for less than an hour with a tired DS, MIL traveling over 2 hours on public transport to us, and none of DH’s siblings or great grandparents. To me that sounds rubbish compared to a full afternoon party and buffet with everyone at the weekend 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think that’s true about nurseries and reporting attendance. It doesn’t even make any sense. He gets no ‘days off’ nursery as they don’t have any holidays like at school except Christmas and bank holidays. So that would imply we could never go on holiday or anything while he’s at nursery or it would be reported to his future school as non attendance at the grand old age of 1!

I honestly think you just need to say 'No, it's exhausting splitting the day, that's going to get worse as DC gets older, and we don't enjoy it. Added to which, my mother is on her own and I'm her only child. So from now on, we're going to do a full day with you and a full day with my mum, and we'll take turns each year who gets the actual day. That might change in the future if we start to feel that we need time on our own just with the kids, either because that's what they need or because we need recovery time. '

Likewise you could go the zoo on the weekend and then celebrate his actual birthday with everyone.

Cake and presents on the actual day is preferable here.

My DS was 20 a few weeks ago and still living at home, that's 20 years I've taken his birthday off and had cake on the actual day with whoever was available. I can't imagine doing it your way. When we had school parties they were on the closest Saturday.

Interesting. You can't do a quick birthday tea for family because he's at nursery and tired (he wouldn't be if something was going on) - but then he's not at nursery because you've taken the day off on his birthday to go to the zoo...confused!

OP is saying that she’d like a day to take her DS to the zoo on his first birthday. She’d like that to be his actual birthday. If mil wants to do the birthday tea on that day they will have to do the zoo on a different day. Obviously they’re not going to take two days off for his birthday so in this alternative scenario he would go to nursery on his actual birthday and OP would go to work and then have to rush home for the tea with her tired child.

I can understand why she would prefer her scenario where the GPs enjoy the birthday celebrations on another day, so she and DH, as the child’s actual parents, can carry out their (not unreasonable!) plans.

I also don’t understand the problem with working parents taking the day off to spend their children’s birthday with them?? Just because they won’t be able to do it when their child is in school…all the more reason to do it now whilst it’s easy! There are many things we change when our kids go to school. Doing things differently is part of the growing up process and children understand that things aren’t always the same. DH sometimes took the day off work to spend with the children on their birthdays but obviously when they were at school he didn’t. I don’t even remember there being a question about it.

OP go ahead with your plans and everyone else will have to fit around them. I’m going to be a grandma soon and I’m not expecting to be deciding anything at all about DS and DIL’s schedule, I’m waiting to be told what will fit for everyone. And I’m delighted to do so.

So my DS doesn’t get a proper party just a rushed cake when he’s exhausted on the day to appease one grandmother who would have to do a 2+ hour round commute to get there all for less than an hour?

Sounds fantastic.

Agree with you OP. You get to decide how to celebrate your DS birthday, this is your chance to be a mother and to do so in way that leaves you with zero regrets.

For our DC birthdays we celebrate on the day (unless the birthday falls on a weekday) with just our core family. Then the previous or following weekend is for a big family + friend gathering. We love the our little family tradition of birthday breakfast with gift opening, a fun activity and then a dinner with cake in the evening. Our children love it too because it spreads their birthday out over multiple days.

Just tell MIL no. If she’s upset then that’s for her to deal with.

its no big deal doing a roast dinner and slinging stuff in the dishwasher. I get it if you WANT to be hosted but to the posters who say "oh you just do alternate years" I want to ask how that works and when people get THEIR choice.

it might be preferable to you but not to everybody

I think people are getting at you taking a day off for the birthday party on the day, like you are for the zoo, so it wouldn't be rushed. However they are missing you have said some people wouldn't be able to come on a weekday due to work. Also, much nicer to do a zoo midweek when it's quieter I think!

There's nothing wrong with your plan op, People are being weird thinking it has to be ' on the day'. Totally normal in my family to have a couple of birthday celebrations with different people, and which or on which day is down to convenience, not certain people demanding they are more important. Your celebration plans sound lovely.

And please break down the time spent with each family last year on Christmas day to your dh, along with time spent in car, to show him how insane and unfair it was!

You tell husband that last year was awful for you, trying to cram seeing everyone on the day and actually missing a portion of your allocated time with your mum to make it fair that both mums see you for the same amount of hours, you really needed a stopwatch and that’s not enjoyable. You tried to accommodate everyone’s wishes and being seven weeks post partum with a newborn ruined has ruined your first’s special days with your son.Tell him the only way to keep everyone happy is for him to stay at his mum’s for Christmas and you at your own mum’s so everyone is happy apart from yourselves or you can arrange separate days to celebrate birthdays. So for your son’s birthday you three go out and then have sandwiches and cake on another day that includes them all, you can pick your mum up and go to MIL’s or vice versa. Christmas is tricky because your mum has only one child and recently widowed so the only way you can do it is go to your mums one year and on the next your mum comes to MIL’s for Christmas with you all as that’s what you would have to do if MIL had no other children and would be alone that day. You mum may not want that and prefer to spend Christmas with her friends and siblings on the year you go to MIL’s and you either spend Christmas eve or Boxing Day with the ones you didn’t see on the actual day. On the third year you have it at home and spend Christmas eve at MIL’s and Boxing Day with your mum. Any whinging is met with ‘no thank you that doesn’t fit in with our plans.’ Be firm but not rude or get exasperated and tell your husband it’s the only way that fits in with your plans and as I mentioned before he can go and spend the day with his mum if he feels torn. Remember he’s happy to race from one family to the other to keep everyone sweet bar you so that’s your compromise to factor in everyone including yourself, let him spend the day with his mum missing you and your son. Don’t get mad if you don’t see him on Christmas Day as he has to learn himself he can’t split himself in two with everyone. Mother’s Day can also be split, you see your mum in the morning as does he and have the afternoon pleasing yourself with your child or you get the morning to celebrate and you go to yours in the afternoon and he to his mums because the distance of driving from one to the other altogether impacts on your own enjoyment. Same with Father’s Day, you both will want to see your mums on that day because you’ve both lost your dads but to factor in his own son he takes him to his mums and come back and celebrate at home or you take him out for a meal.

To the OP, I just want to say I agree with you - I’m surprised how some commenters are so focused on celebrating on the actual date. Especially with a tiny kid who doesn’t even know what day it is, who cares?! I will confess that I have moved “birthdays” to a more convenient day 😆 the point is that your kid feels celebrated and special.

and it sounds like you need to alternate between the families - one grandmother gets Christmas Day each year, the other gets Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. We do this because (as you found out) trying to do both on the same day ruins it.

OP you are your child's mum. You make the plans that suit you and reiterate them firmly. If MIL or anyone else complains treat it like you would a child's whinge, you can be kind but firm and not give in.

and here we are back again....when does the OP get HER christmas in HER house with visitors or no visitors as SHE chooses?

You could even have your mum stay over Christmas eve and all spend the day at MIL’s for the actual day, drop your mum off Boxing Day morning and spend that day with just the three of you.
Put yourself in your MIL’s shoes she wants all her children and GC with her on special occasions same as your own mum would love that too but when people get married they have to factor in the in laws and that’s where it gets tricky. She feels insecure but she can’t control her preferences onto you so be understanding but firm, don’t let resentment build up and if she starts moaning you tell her straight even in front of people if she starts digging at you that racing from one’s parent to the other doesn’t work for you and you was so stressed you didn’t enjoy cramming everyone’s needs in one day. That your own needs as parents with a child needs to be considered too. She can either accept you are not deliberately impeding her time with son/gc you are simply trying to put everyone’s including your own needs into account or she rails against it but you stay firm.

@godmum56

I don't think OP wants to stay home on Christmas! 🎄

then she gets HER choice to do something else.

Put yourself in your MIL’s shoes she wants all her children and GC with her on special occasions

She can want whatever she likes. It doesn’t make her entitled to it.

Your MIL is similar to my family’s approach which is to celebrate the event one day on the weekend at a family lunch. If dad’s birthday is on a Wednesday we would have a family lunch on the weekend the few days before. I’m fortunate my MIL isn’t as picky and is understanding about it all and doesn’t comment or make a fuss just happy to see us close to the date too. My family is more pressure-type like your MIL, OP.