AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Wow what a massive PIA!! I have 2 sons and am close to them both but if I ever behaved like your MIL I’d want a slap!! My own mother told me , when I became a mum “I’ve had plenty of mothers days with you already, so we can do something on another day” how unselfish is that! Far removed form your MIL unfortunately. I hope your DH helps with compromising!!

Yes, my mum said the same when I had my son! Sometimes me and my son see her on Mother's Day, sometimes we don't, and those years me and my sister always take her out for lunch on one of the days around it.

I think it’s good that you are looking to resolve this now. It will be worse if you leave it, hoping it will get better or avoiding the difficult conversations. It won’t get better without your action. It will only get worse and your resentment will build.
have you had another chat with your DH yet?
I think you need to decide
what you think is best for your DS birthday and Christmas. Once you decide what you want speak with DH to see how much aligns. It’s then that DMIL will need to be told- she needs to know that this is coming from both of you.
(it sounds like you’re trying to be fair and placate everyone to the detriment of your own family time. That chaotic Christmas running around everywhere sounds ghastly.

I thought that perhaps she was an elderly lonely lady but if she's going to her other son on Xmas day and will see you there, that's enough. Her demands are ridiculous.

Newish granny here. Eldest GC is nearly 2, My youngest was one last week. She would have enjoyed the zoo - but she had a beach party instead. I went. So did the other GPs - we would not have expected her to be brought to us. We share childcare so we do get on. We want to see her, we do the traveling.

Can you invite MIL to the zoo with you? If not you offer a one hour window before or after your trip for grandparents to bring the present. It might be nice to say that you are blowing the candle at that point of the day. Both grandparents - make the point of the reasonableness of the share.

As for Christmas - don’t do a vicar of Dibley on your family. You alternate between families and make a video call.

For Mother’s Day - it is your time to bask in the glory. DH can get up early and take his mum her bunch of flowers if he wants - but you spend your day with your daughter, go out for lunch or a picnic or have a duvet. What YOU (and DH) want.

If you don’t do this now you will build up so much resentment. Do it.

You want to get help for that comprehension problem.

I absolutely guarantee you have met people who have had counselling. They just kept it to themselves

Bless you it sounds as if you are trying to be kind to everyone. I have read more of the thread and see why the family zoo day and full Christmas at yours won’t work. How about offering to pay for an Uber for her to come for an hour - or another son picking her up.

Once they are past the newborn stage babies need a nap structure. Are other family members thinking of that ?

We like to think that when we get married and have children we make one big family but the way it works in modern life is you make three interlocking families. You have to find balance so that no one family is driving all of the decisions. My family are local and see us frequently for short visits. My in-laws are far away and see us less frequently for longer visits. We try to find balance so that they all get similar quality time over the year.

We don't have any hard and fast rules but base it around what are the family needs. 7 weeks post partum and 1st Christmas without my dad, my mother without her husband. Every day of the week my partner and MIL would say that my family get the pick of the day and we can do Christmas with them on another suitable day.

I think it would be useful to go through the last year and write down all the times you have had had to change plans on how you would like the celebrate as your own little family and your broader family. You are going to tie yourself in knots if you don't break the cycle.

My daughter and son have their birthdays close together, we were on holiday with my in-laws on my daughters birthday so we celebrated with my family afterwards. I gave my family first refusal for celebrating my son's birthday on his actual birthday but they said they are happy to do it on another day and in the end did a joint birthday party for both children with my family in the middle of their birthdays and it worked really well. My in-laws came up for the actual birthday.

Christmas depends on which family has had the worst year, it is a time where you reflect more on the empty chairs and extra stars in the sky and that means more to us than counting who's had the most hours with us on Christmas day. My parents have had the last two Christmas days. This year (touch wood) there have been no significant issues so I have spoken to my MIL and asked if she would like to come up earlier and spend Christmas day with us. She thought about it and has said yes. We will do Christmas with my family another day.

Easter we always go to my in-laws as it's 4h away and we can go down for a week with minimal days off and not have to worry about term time.

My mum and niece both have birthdays on bank holiday weekends so those two holidays we spend with my family more often than not.

One of us has a family birthday near mother's day and the other fathers day so that's how we split those. Some times celebrating on the mother's day/father's day and other years on the birthday so we get the mother's/father's day to ourselves.

There is give and take from all of us and I think that is key as then no one person feels like they are getting a raw deal. For many years my partner and I did Christmas apart and celebrate new year together. My mum was I need to see you on Christmas day person. Then one Christmas my partner had a rotten Christmas as a relative was on end of life care, they didn't pass then but did later in the year. My mum immediately said that I should go to them the following year as my partner and his family needed family around them more than she did and since the children have come along she's even more balanced - although I do sometimes prewarn my dad or sisters about our plans so that they can be other rational voices.

How does it work with the rest of your husbands family?

Jesus @carkey26 some of these replies are unhinged.
You are not being unreasonable but your MIL is and your DH is facilitating her behaviour.

In your efforts to accommodate your DHs family you’re neglecting your own (you & DH) and your DM is getting caught up in it too.

Theres no need for drama, but it is time to have a conversation with your DH about expectations and boundaries or else you’ll end up exploding and that’s not great for anyone. Tell your MIL that you’d like get the balance right this year and that you and DH are doing xyz.

I’m not one for stating boundaries in this way but you sound like you need to 😬

Crikey, OP. Stop this now.

Special days = just you, DH and DC. You’ll do something with each mother/family around the time but not on the day.

Say no, mean it, offer an alternative and let them make their choice. They don’t get to dictate. It’s absolutely ridiculous that you are bowing to these demands.

You need to establish an overarching principle - that is really crucial.

The principle is that you and DH are decent people and that you will ensure that over time things are balanced and fair.

But that more than anything else, you must, as parents, put the needs of your own family unit and especially your DC first. (this will become much more important as your DC gets older).

You won't be putting her own demands (say 'any other family member's wishes') in front of those - you're sure she can see that this is the natural way of things.

Otherwise for the rest of your life you will be constantly offending her and trying to compensate. You really need to nip this in the bud now.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

One of the problems is that DH will often say “well it’s the least we can do” in regards to agreeing to these demands. Because MIL does help a reasonable amount with childcare and buys so much stuff (unprompted!). But I don’t think that should mean we have to massively inconvenience ourselves every special occasion to such an extent. After another discussion, we don’t seem to be on the same page about this. That is a problem.

It is difficult to know where the line is in being ‘ungrateful’. However, I would much rather not have her keep buying us stuff (mainly which we don’t actually need and didn’t ask for) and not looking after DS if it means there’s strings attached. She hasn’t said there is, but DP feels it’s what’s fair. My mum offers a similar level of support but doesn’t make these kind of request.

Your DH doesn’t actually get to speak for you though.

If it’s the least he can do, let him get on with it and you do something else. I suspect he’ll soon change his mind.

Would definitely cut back on the childcare, at least for a while. Explain it’s because she seems to equate it with you repaying by being dictated to and it doesn’t work for you. And reject the crap she keeps buying. “Kind of you to think of us, but we really don’t need another wind chime/monumental ostrich/vintage radio. Why don’t you keep it?”

What you are suggesting isn’t taking anything away from your MIL. You are in fact suggesting an entire day, a day where you will be fully rested, engaged and your children will be happier because they won’t be travelling all day. You ARE spending part of the Christmas period with her (more time!) same with seeing her around Mother’s Day! You are NOT being unreasonable or ungrateful, this is a compromise that will make you all feel so much better. If love and support is conditional, it’s not worth the gilded cage. You need to put your foot down. You are important too. You need to live as you mean to go on because you will suffer and so will your marriage. Honestly good luck x

If it's 'the least you can do', what is your husband's explanation for why you don't do the same for your DM? YANBU. This isn't normal, she is very demanding.

His family dynamic is not good for your relationship so he need to change it.
Boundaries are difficult for people I get the feeling his mother is the matriarch and what she says goes. She will not be happy with even the slightest change imo

OP, the temptation here is to acquiesce to your husband and his "it's the least we can do"......

But where EXACTLY does that get YOU?
You are not happy.
Your needs are not being respected.
You do not end up spending holidays and special days as you wish.

Who wins if you acquiesce?
Who's needs are met?

You are so young and marriage is often a long road.

"Start as you mean to go"....even if it takes a row.

Giving in now will mean you are always on the back foot.
Inevitably you will be told you are being difficult, causing a fuss, and upsetting everyone....just to be heard.

THIS is how women are bullied, dominated and their needs never met.

Very very few women in a happy equitable marriage, has not had to hold her line firmly on some subject are other.

Establishing boundaries, your line in the sand, is very healthy and normal.
This is an important part of marriage.

Those that don't end up being heard, are disrespected, dismissed, and generally treated as if their needs and preferences are unimportant.

I get this is hard and exhausting, but this is you protecting yourself, your future happiness, and you marriages success.

It is critical you are heard.

Your MIL has all her kids bar one at home - she’s not isolated - your mum is. Put your foot down and tell her this. Your mum only has you and she’s your priority. You’ll see MIL around Christmas and birthdays but your priority is to make sure your mum isn’t alone. She can’t argue with that.

yeah no. When does the OP get HER christmas in HER home.

I understand not wanting to upset his mum, but the alternative is upsetting you and unsettling your child. He is not going to be able to keep everyone happy - make it clear you expect him to prioritise you and your child.

I also had a young baby last Christmas (early November 👋) and I have a toddler - babies are portable, toddlers far less so. You might just about get away with driving hither and thither again this year but by next year it will simply not be possible.

And two visits in one day to the same relative is batshit. If your husband can’t see that, you really do have a bit of a problem there.

YABU to have pandered to her in the first place. It was frustrating reading your post. There's a very simple word in the English language: "no" - use it. And the more you use it, the easier it will be to use. DH can deal with the backlash from her, it's not your problem, so stop making it.

You have to stop letting her steal your precious family moments, so start saying no, or getting your DH to, and stand FIRM, no wavering, FIRM and don't give in.

Not everyone wants to do Christmas at home and be stuck with all the cooking and hosting faff. Going to my in laws is like going to a lovely all inclusive hotel with on site childcare, bliss!

I am not tslking sbout hosting, just being at home for christmas with the partner and kid(s)