AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

You still have to cook and wash up! If you have nice family, being hosted is a real treat.

Your son is young. Put your foot down down now or you've got many many years of dancing to this tune.

Has your MIL never heard of compromise?
X

It seems there are a lot of people like your MIL from the replies on this thread…. Ignore OP!

You are not unreasonable, you’ve been MORE than accommodating but you do need some boundaries if your DH won’t.

The Mothers Day one is really sad. You should do what you want to do and your DH pops to your MIL for a bit. Not cancel your whole day!

Did she do all that for her own mother, I wonder??

So basically you actually want to spend every Christmas With your family! That’s not what you were making out, I suspect this happens a lot and irs her way of pushing back at being left out!

The trouble with your MIL is she wants you and your family to forgoe your own needs and wants and put her first. She uses guilt and family expectations like a weapon and your husband is used to letting her get her own way. You have to put your foot down and tell her she doesn’t get to be centre stage, you have your own mum to consider and as a young family you don’t want to be racing around trying to please everyone. Your husband is free to see her whenever he wants so if he starts wringing his hands when she complains then tell him to spend the day with her whilst you enjoy your time celebrating with your dc.

Your husband will begin to begrudge that he gets to miss out on his own sons celebration if you celebrate without him there and he’s at mums as it’s the least he can do :)

I do think you should push back this year and make sure your DM gets the amount of time your MIL got last year. Judging from last year, having Christmas Day means the dinner. So either you spend the whole morning with your DM and arrive at BIL's for dinner, or you leave straight after dinner to spend the afternoon and early evening with your DM. If your DH argues about it then it's confused face "but this is what we did last year for your mum except I've saved us the extra car journey". Then next year you can suggest that maybe that's a bit much for the little one and cut down the MIL family visit. But don't allow one thing for his family and another thing for yours.

Slightly dramatic, maybe. But the PP does have a point. I can’t believe you were ferrying your newborn around to placate her and that your husband had bought into this! Mental. I would have said no and that’s it. I would suggest growing more of a backbone and you’ll be glad of it in the long term.

It's not mean or ungrateful to want to celebrate your special days with your husband and children and make your own traditions.

Mother's Day - this should really be your husband's responsibility. "Mom, the kids and I are taking your name out for the day to celebrate as a surprise. Would you like to join us for an evening meal to celebrate all the mum's and grandma's?" You can compromise on this by offering her overnights with kids on valentines days or anniversaries or a weekend so you can take yourself off somewhere and have grown up fun.

Christmas - my brother told us last year that they would now be celebrating Christmas day at home as they want their kids Christmases to be as lovely as ours were at home when we were young and want to celebrate their own way. They invited both sides of the family over on Christmas eve with a massive picky bits buffet, games and a movie and the grandparents put the kids to bed and read them a story which they loved. They asked our parents to take the kids on boxing day, his in laws will have them boxing day next year and they had a beach walk with the dog.

Kids birthdays - I think everyone is right who says have a family celebration day on a different day and keep the actual birthday for yourselves. Again, it's up to your husband to communicate this in a gentle way.

She might feel insecure and you say she is lovely, make sure to emphasise that it's not about shutting her out or keeping her away. Deliver the messages with love, ensuring she gets lots of quality time with the family as a part of life will help her be less possessive of special days. Maybe regular babysitting on date nights or a family meal meet up a couple of times a month?

I actually think, especially given the details in your later post, that a "no, actually you've had two years in a row now" response would be a reasonable way to push back.

Point out that it wasn't the plan, but on they day MiL and DH's instance meant you missed a large chunk of the time with your own mum and that the pushiness created an unfair strain on you that robbed the day of the joy it should have held. Make sure they hear that, especially DH but if it doesn't make him hold the line, then MiL too - that they spoiled your Christmas by pushing for you to fulfill MiLs/DHs desires with no thought to your own family or what you want. And they do the same with other days.

Don't be nasty about it, but say you aren't prepared to put up with it again and from now on you will have a very strong boundary about it and won't be changing your mind - because if you don't they push and it's horrid.

Well last Christmas sounds horrendous for you at 7 weeks post partum. I think you need to agree a system of something like:

Y1 Christmas Day your mum, Boxing Day mil
Y2 Christmas Day mil, Boxing Day your mum

and repeat.

All this zooming around from house to house isn’t sustainable or fair on your DC.

Your biggest issue of course is going to be getting your DH on board.

I’d also be really firm about the birthday and keep talking in terms of ‘Well his birthday with the family is the party day. Just consider that his birthday because we won’t be available on the actual day.’ And just carry on with your plans and if she keeps going with ‘As long as I see him for an hour in the day’ just keep reiterating calmly ‘Oh no, remember MIL, that isn’t going to work on the actual day. Your birthday with him is on the Saturday’

Good luck - you need to nail this now or you will continue to have issues with this as time goes on. Sit your DH down for a serious chat!

Don't take a post out of context. Read the whole fucking thread. That is a total mischaracterization of what OP has said in her posts.

There are remedial reading courses you can take.

I would very firmly say if it comes with strings like this I dont want presents or help from her. If you can’t recognise I matter and my Christmas matters and my mum matters just as much as yours , I am going to start returning her presents. I don’t want them if they mean shitty tiring celebration days for everything that’s focussed on your mum not us or my mum. Should I start bagging up presents to return or do you want to think about this more? My mum gives us a lot, she’s just not also selfishly manipulative about it.

What you described about last Christmas really didn’t paint him in a good light. Your first Christmas without your dad, 7 weeks post partem and he made you late to your mums and then insisted you left earlier than you’d want so that he could have the Christmas he wanted. It was really selfish, and the post might have been dramatic but I think it’s healthy to acknowledge that actually he was a massive twat to you that day and start standing up for yourself as it doesn’t sound like he’s going to

What does your DH think about spending all these days with his mum?

His insistence you stay at MIL's until everyone has turned up and held the baby sounds like he might actually agree with MIL that you should all be spending most of the day there. If he does agree, and isn't just placating her, it's going to be trickier to handle.

Maybe actually read the OPs posts. You can do that by clicking see all on the first post. Then you'll see this isn't at all the case.

I have sons and of course they love me and their dad. But one day, they will have partners and their partner and their children will come first for them. That is as it should be. I'm not religious but even the Bible says this repeatedly so it's obviously a long running problem. Your MIL doesn't though get to cherry pick all the best days of family life and run you ragged accommodating this. Nothing at all on this earth other than incoming drones would get me out of the house on Christmas day at 8 am. You just don't have to accede to her wishes - once on Christmas Day - at a reasonable time would be ample.

Thank you, I can read, and did read the whole post. At first I was firmly on the side of the OP but gradually saw through the original post, there are several comments that rang alarm bells. You can have your opinion, but in mine, I think the op wants to include her mum and family but resents mil being involved. It strikes me it’s six of one and a half dozen of the other! Things are not always black and white! You might do well to remember that before berating other’s opinion!

What you've written here "did read the whole post" sounds like you just read the first post. If you read the rest of OPs post you will see that two years ago they had Christmas with MIL and last Christmas was supposed to be with OPs family - fair to take turns, plus it was her mum's first Christmas as a widow. And yet they ended up spending more of the day with MIL. Seriously have another read of OPs posts and you will see how much more MIL is demanding.

Both of our parents were like this. Every ‘special’ day they had to have allocated time. Going between numerous houses in a day with kids is exhausting. On the third Christmas we did this, when we got home we crashed out and looked at each other and said never again. To them it’s “only a few hours” and it’s like they’re being generous because they’re sacrificing themselves by only seeing you for a part of the day and not the whole day. But when you’re spending four hours in each house and then travelling, you don’t get any of the day to yourself at all. Put an end to it now. Each “special day” is just us. Each side of the family gets another allocated day. We have no movement on this. Shouting did happen, tears, silences. But absolutely no movement from us on it.

I have to agree with this. Any man who makes you see his family every Christmas isn't my kind of man.

We've always been 50/50 around Christmas with each family having an alternate year we visit and the other we see between Christmas and new year.

I know if I never saw my family on Christmas day I'd be pretty upset. Then again id not want to see my side every Christmas as that wouldn't be fair

The “resentment” you detect comes from the unreasonable demands I’m continually trying to accommodate and what I’ve had to give up e.g. my first Mother’s Day, my family’s turn at Christmas.

I have offered MIL MORE time than she’s actually getting now. I repeatedly offer that we see her for a WHOLE other day, just not on Mother’s Day / Christmas Day / birthday itself where we’ll struggle to accommodate it. But she would rather a much shorter time seeing us as long as it’s on the day itself.

I like MIL and I enjoy spending time with DH’s family. His siblings are loads of fun and love DS. But where we could be having multiple super enjoyable family days were being forced to cram it all into one, miss lots and exhaust and stress ourselves out.

It's easy to sideline your MIL over your own family as girls are always closer to their own mum. Whilst children are young do joint celebrations with both sets of parents on the actual days (have a rota for things like Christmas day to host, with non hosts contributing to food, we had a 5 way rota as it included siblings hosting, worked brilliantly whilst kids were young) that includes birthdays - do the zoo another day - have a joint family tea on the day. Celebrations with their friends and on your own other days. The kids don't mind they get multiple celebrations! As they get older it gets more flexible, you can alternate each year. But whatever you decide your husband needs to decide and stick with you. His mother doesn't take priority, and neither does yours. You're a new family in your own right, building your own traditions.