AIBU to want firmer boundaries about seeing MIL on birthdays / Christmas?

[carkey26]

My MIL is a really lovely woman but she has this thing of insisting we see her on specific special days: DS' birthday, mother's day, Christmas Day etc.
And there's no compromise at all, it has to be ON THE DAY, not the day after or next weekend. If it's not on the day she gets really upset.

DH feels we just need to accommodate this but I think we need to set better boundaries. I'm keen to get an outside perspective on what's a reasonable compromise here. MIL obviously feels she's compromising because she says "you only need to see me for a few hours, not the full day" but to me that's not really a compromise.

Examples..

Mother's Day - We had to reschedule my first Mother's Day to a different day

Christmas Day - We planned to spend the day with my family but I said we could see MIL (and DH's family) all day Christmas Eve / Boxing Day / any day they chose! But she was insistent we came to hers for part of Christmas day. I offered an hour or two in the morning or evening. She insisted both and much longer than 1-2 hours. We ended up getting there for 8am(!), going to my family in the middle of the day, returning to MIL's in the late afternoon and then going home so spending about a third of the day in the car. DH admitted it had been far too much when we were on our way home.

The just random things like she was adamant she needed DS to come to the airport with DH when she came back from holiday. I had had something arranged on that day for months with my family, several of whom were traveling really far to us, and she wanted us to cut it short so DS could go to the airport. In her mind that was a fair compromise, whereas I was firmly of the mindset of no, it's not happening at all, we can't accommodate it.

Now that DS' first birthday is coming up in November and then we have the second Christmas, it's already starting again! We want to take DS on a really big day out on his actual birthday to the Zoo which will already be quite an undertaking and she's starting with "As long as I get to see him for at least part of the day.."

I don't want to be mean. Ungrateful. Fall out with anyone. But to me this isn't fair or sustainable. Compromise would look like 'we'll see you the day after' or 'we'll spend Christmas Day with you next year' not us cramming in as much as possible just to accommodate it all happening on the specific day!

AIBU to want to set stricter boundaries..?

Spot on!

Do you rotate? That's what we do with my parent and my partner's parents. One year Xmas at my parents, next and in laws, then start again
We travel to family so we haven't celebrated at home (except from COVID year) honestly I would much rather have our personal celebrations but I understand how important it is for grandparents too.

She’s gotta learn to share!!! Or take her with you! Let her know you love her anyway but there are other people to think about!

You say “ she’s a really lovely woman “ ….. these characteristics don’t quite fit with that description .
just be gentle but firm .

Nope!!! Don't invite her anywhere, and simply say this is what's happening sorry but I decide what's happening with my family. and if hubby doesn't like it, 🤔 tough tits. Tell him not to bother coming the zoo too. 😑

She needs to start fitting around you. And if she gets upset then so be it, she's a grown woman for goodness sake! Good luck and enjoy YOUR day's

So your Mother sees you and DH and DC on Christmas Day, but not DH Mother? Is that what I’m reading.
And her being a tad miffed is overstepping.?
And she can’t see her DGC on his Birthday? And it’s heinous that she wants to?
And everyone on here agrees?

So I know you have said earlier you don’t want to stay home with dh and DS on Xmas day. However, this is what we do. We stay home at Xmas because DS just wants to play with his toys. I host dmil and my parents and whatever family on either side need hosted that year. They aren’t allowed to visit before 1 pm. We have family time until 1pm and then madness thereafter.

when it is DS birthday. My mum does a birthday tea and we all go there including dmil. DMIL doesn’t prepare food. She eats at different family members / we send her meals in a normal week. It isn’t a can’t situation more a won’t. So she is fine not hosting.

however birthdays aren’t necessarily on the day. It is a convenient day for us all.

It's hard to please everyone so we just started to say when we were going to visit everyone. Occasions like Christmas day used to be going to both families and GPs and we never got home til late. So we split it over 2 days, less rush, extends the Christmas magic. No one had a problem with it at all.

No it’s not what you’re reading. Read it again 😂

😂😂 This is wild and such a typical MN overreaction 🙄

“‼️STOP 🛑 ✋🏻you’re being bullied, get counselling, LTB, poor kid” 😂😂
Jesus Christ 🙄 🤦🏼‍♀️

I can honestly say I have never met anyone who has had counselling, let alone for managing family Christmas visiting time schedules 😵‍💫🤷🏼‍♀️
Is it just me? Or do people just get counselling for anything and everything now?
World’s gone mad 😵‍💫

Def nbu, tell her your plans well in advance so she can get used to the idea, and no more compromising, she's not the Queen and not the boss of you

Start talking about it in terms of DS's Birthday week. and Christmas week.. so that any day in that week becomes a day on which to celebrate these things.

She sounds really uncompromising.. which means she's not going to meet half way and so you are left with doing what you want to do or caving and letting her dictate to you.

Having to see her twice on Christmas day and spending a lot of time in the car going too and fro was not anything to do with you, DH and DS enjoying a relaxing Christmas. It was all about dancing attendance on her and was purely selfish.

You need to nip this in the bud,, reassure her that she will get to see DS etc but that make it tactfully clear, if there is resistance that she is not in charge of organising your timetable and dictating what you do and when. Assure her that she will have a fair share but its up to you and DH to decide when that happens.

Its a pain, but its helpful to have your calendar well planned out.. so that you can say you have booked in a firm arrangement for a b c ... and you know this is coming up for DS birthday and Christmas so come up with a plan and tell her the arrangement well in advance. Have your points ready to show why this plan works for everyone.

We had to do this with my MIL. She wants to see people on their actual birthday or at Christmas. DH has AuDHD so finds her quite overwhelming so he firmly told her no a few years ago to coming round on birthdays because we want that day for our own celebrations and not have to stay in and wait for visitors / host. The day before wasn’t good enough, it had to be on the day. We took our youngest to Chester Zoo one year. Bear in mind to travel there from where we live is over 2hrs drive. We got up and set off really early. Ring doorbell notification came through at 9am of her at the door with presents. She had been told for weeks not to come round as we wouldn’t be in, she still came. DH spoke to her through the camera and she said she would come back after dinner if we wouldn’t let her in. Told that we weren’t in and away for the day and wouldn’t be back until late, visit tomorrow. Didn’t see her for two weeks and she withheld my son’s presents. Christmas is still a nightmare and we plan to pretend we aren’t in this year! She’s had options suggested and we have made our plans known.

Were two relatively young people who are working out how to do things with a new young family, and navigating both our mothers being widowed early.

Well sorry OP but to me it sounds like you're trying to work things out and navigate while DH is going Mum Mum Mum. I wish you luck with this Christmas but I think I know where you'll be.

Well if that's what you're reading I recommend Specsavers. DH's mother is expecting that every significant day is spent with her and so far she's got it.OP is wanting ONE Christmas with her mother for a change. The complete opposite of what you've written, in fact.

Not the same as such but we had similar with my stepkids and how Xmas day looked in regards to us seeing them (alternated every year) and then the family seeing them. Fitting everyone in was very chaotic… so after 2 years of running us and them ragged we decided it was going to be X & Y, and everyone had to suck it up!

to give an example of how we ended up -
morning at home
lunch at my parents (who could accommodate us all, in-laws couldn’t)
see the in laws
home
BUT my parents invited in-laws to them late afternoon so we actually only ever needed to go home, parents, home. Could anything be done to involve everyone at once?

how I’d look at the request this year for you - morning at home, dinner at in laws, parents house and then home. No back & fore! Your little one will thank you long term for not being traipsed about and actually getting some time to enjoy their Xmas pressies!

i don’t like that MIL dictates for you, boundaries need set in place for that!

You didn't read it at all!

You sound very accommodating to both your MIL and your DM, not to mention DH. But I would suggest you do what you want to do, when it comes to your DC and special days. You have to put your foot down now and say no to DH. Otherwise you’ll tie yourself in knots and end up resentful of all of them.
if your MIL and Mum both get plenty of time with DC and there are other family members to take some of the pressure off of you, just use it. Just say “it’s too much for DC” or we are establishing a routine or say you have a headache. You are the one with all the work here. They wol
soon get used to it.

You set the agenda. She will have to fit in with you

OP, you are young, I'm certainly not.
But your story is not unique.

You may call my post embarrassing, however, I am not the person with a husband that completely disregarded me and my wishes, 7 weeks after I had our first son decades ago, to put his mother first.

I have read many many posts like yours over the years on MN, where men are focused solely on keeping their Mummy happy, at the expense of their wife and children.

Those are never happy women, with happy lives. They are usually disappointed and regretful that they and their children are not his priority, whilst being understanding of his mother.

They deeply regret not being firm with their boundaries, and they often regret their marriages as a result.

You may be happy with 3 in the marriage, where his mother comes first, but I certainly have never come across such a woman.

"Start as you mean to go" is a wise expression for a reason.

I wish you well. If you are not firm about your needs, and that of your new family being a priority, I have no doubt you will be back on MN again.

Apols, pressed the wrong button. YANBU.

It was scary reading this because I could have written it myself - down to my babies first birthday in November too lol

I find it very annoying too over the years I’ve tried to set a boundary but I just accept it now however you don’t have to don’t inconvenience yourself and try and put your foot down

Tricky situation. You need to set up a routine for this and I am sure you will be able to. As others have said your husband needs to be on your side and talk to his mum. I married a mummys boy and it was so difficult I feel for you. I have a son in his twenties and I never want to be that mother in law.

it does - but even if MIL was widowed and your mother not that shouldnt mean that she dictates how you spend every Christmas!

I generally find it sad when people say (as they do on here, a lot) "i just want our own little family at Christmas" as though they're not part of a bigger family.

And ignore everyone who hasn't ever walked the tension rope between exactly what would have suited them best and what would please others, and who had a bit of trial and error in their parenting and relationship boundaries. They are blessed with never having put a foot wrong.