To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

Your wedding day should be a happy occasion and about you and your husband to be.

I would not invite anyone who is going to poison the atmosphere and who seems to delight in making hurtful comments, parents or not.

Don't let them ruin your special day and the memories you will have of your wedding and tell them you no longer want them to attend.

In fact having read your follow up posts I would ask yourself if you really want to keep these people in your life at all. They sound awful.

Hi, just a quick one to say … due to the issues around mum having to take time off of work, and dad’s opinion regards my disability I’ve chatted with DP and I think it’s best that neither of you attend the wedding. Hopefully, we can catch up afterwards at some point for a coffee. Love me x

Have to be honest, you’re sounding a bit over the top and overly emotional. Are you stressed about the wedding? Do you recognise any bridezilla at all? It will ruin your relationship forever. No doubt people will disagree with me and cite boundaries which is the new term but I dont agree. They’re your parents. And it’s sounding like a huge overreaction.

I really hope they do book a week day or destination wedding now!! How selfish!

You think her own father calling her a cripple and a spaz is fine then presumably ?

So you didn’t read the updates about what the dad said then.

It's a registry office and restaurant meal though - they're not asking them to stump up for a week in Barbados so I'm not sure how much more planned around the parents it could be?

My original reply was hidden because I used the same ableist slurs as OP to make my point, so let me rephrase. You think it’s fine for OP’s dad to use these slurs against his own disabled daughter and that her reaction to them is OTT ? You think she’s being a bridezilla not to want these two people at her wedding despite the fact that they clearly have no respect for her whatsoever ?

Boundaries isn’t a ‘new term’ - it’s a word that encompasses self-defined limits and rules determining how an individual expects to be treated in relationships and interactions. Which is what OP is setting here. Her parents are her parents by the accident of birth. That alone doesn’t entitle them to be at her wedding if she doesn’t want them there.

My family called me selfish and thoughtless because my wedding was on Tuesday so they would have to use a day of annual leave. I never actually invited any of them btw - it was a registry office with max 10 people capacity because we just wanted to be married (well I did - he had been having an affair for the last 18 months which I didn't find out abut for another 6 months...but that's another story!).

They did come, but instead of being a beautiful/happy/blushing bride...I was forever the thoughtless, selfish bride. I totted up I had taken around 15 days leave over the previous 2 months to dog sit for them, wait in for the boiler man, do hospital runs and attend weekend weddings that meant travel on the friday.

Definitely uninvite them - they birthed you but they aren't 'parents' in the way they should be. It doesn't sound like they have supported you or that they respect you as a person or respect your needs so you don't owe them the rite of passage of seeing you marry.

Gosh they both sound horrible, I would definitely un-invite them. Do you have ChatGPT? They can help you word the message well

The message can be brief:

hey both. I totally understand this is a weekday wedding and that it can be an inconvenience to people. Myself and * will totally understand if you cannot make it. Can you let me know by DATE so I can firm up numbers for the table booking

This is the way!

Absolutely uninvite them , you deserve to enjoy the day arsehole free. Just because they are your parents doesn't afford them the right to be horrible to you, their only child .

You’re their only child and this is how they treat you and your ‘big day’… I’m not sure I’d bother with them. My first wedding was a small one (immediate family) and my mother’s sour face on all the photos really annoys me. Plus, she was wearing all black…
The wedding is important to you, make it a happy one!

I think you have bigger issues than whether to have them at your wedding or not. Given the backstory, you probably should consider going no or minimal contact. Personally, I wouldn’t want them there.

Mum- I’m going to have to ask that you don’t come to my wedding. I’ve been hurt by your complaints about the loss of earnings. It didn’t seem to bother you when you took a Weds off for Mary’s birthday lunch last month. It’s clear you don’t want to go and don’t consider it important. So you are no longer invited.

Dad- I’m going to have to ask that you don’t come to my wedding. You’ve tried to control everything about it and you’ve said too many things lately that have hurt me. You are no longer invited.

Mum, you clearly don't want to lose a days pay & are shouting about it on the rooftops. I see where your priorities lie.
You are heard. & therefore no longer invited.
Dad, you piss taking about my disability is so insulting & hurtful, you are not invited either, who could risk a Father’s speech with You ? i don’t want you there.
I want to be happy on the day, surrounded by people who love me.
This is not up for debate.

I would univite both of them. Do read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

I did the same as @WildLeader, for similar reasons, and had the wedding very quietly on one day (with a few very discreet guests) and the party on another; everyone was invited to the second one, no one could make never-ending drama about not being invited and when said individuals kicked off (because they were always going to), I barely registered it, because we'd already had our special day.

I completely get why you want to un-invite your parents @GilmoreGirls21 but I worry it'll just give them more ammunition to be nasty in the future...and of course there's the risk that they may choose to turn up anyway, and you really don't need that level of stress.

Manage your wedding day to create absolute peace and happiness for the two of you, and deal with your parents' awful behaviour another way; that way neither their presence or absence can affect your celebrations even slightly.

I wouldn’t uninvite them. That multiplies the drama by ten. It also looks bad on you. All your guests will say ‘Where’s your Mum and Dad?’ Then you have to tell them about a fall out or lie. It’s just very negative and unsavoury for the happiest day of your life.

But I would let them know how ridiculous they are being. To your Mum I would say…

I can see you’re pretty miffed at having to take the day off Mum. How much money will you lose? Work it out based on your hourly rate and I’ll reimburse you if that will mean you can make it to your only daughter’s wedding.

To your Dad I would say…

Bloody hell Dad, you’ve got strong opinions on my wedding day, I would have no objection to that if you were footing the bill, but you’re not, sooo…..?

Speak to them! Don’t just uninvite them!

Just tell them that the registry office have cancelled and that you will tell them when its re booked and just go ahead. Though my choice would just be book it in another town with 2 friends to celebrate

I would tell them the date has changed. Then get married without them. They sound awful. Enjoy YOUR day OP!

Are you sure you love them? You'd be unhappy at taking a day's leave for their wedding and would refuse to take more leave for a destination wedding? That doesn't sound like a loving parent, it sounds like a parent who puts in minimal effort and doesn't much care about their child's happiness.

I'd definitely go with these comments. Firmly but rationally making it absolutely clear what they have done wrong.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Xxx and I have been discussing our wedding and have decided to make it a very small affair with just a few friends, and therefore you won't need to attend.

This means, Mum, that you won't need to take any time off work, and, Dad, you won't have to attend a meal with people you don't know, and have to try being polite.

We plan to have a wonderful happy day with no negative people around us.

Kind regards.

Just tell them they're to invited for being cunts.