To un-invite both of my parents to my wedding?

[GilmoreGirls21]

I am getting married in January. It’s a small registry office style wedding with a sit down meal at a local restaurant afterwards. It’s a week-day because the cost was double on the weekend and there was no availability for quite a while.

The first thing that came out of my mum’s mouth was that she would have to take the day off unpaid. Nothing nice or celebratory about the actual day at all so far. She has the money to take the day off and she regularly takes days off work for other occasions (friends birthdays etc). She is now complaining to everyone about the loss of money.

My dad was more positive but straight away tried to dictate who was going and how the day was going etc, and that sense of entitlement to the day. He has also been making a few comments recently that he thinks is funny but is actually hurtful, and it’s got to the point where I would rather not speak to him if I don’t have to or be around him.

AIBU to un-invite both of my parents to my wedding? And could someone help me draft a message to them both? I have never really confronted them about anything before, I know this will be a big step but I need to do it to avoid them ruining the day.

Tell them both that you’ve changed the date to one to suit your mums schedule and details that your dad doesn’t agree to………then go and get married on the original date in the company of those who love you, want to celebrate with you your way and have a fabulous day! 💐

You sound like normal, nice (and fun) parents. Can imagine neither of you at any point begrudged the wedding and were just happy for your son and new child in law. Bet you both had a whale of a time at the wedding, and the holiday afterwards!

Will not uninviting them create even more hurtful comments from your father? I would probably firmly tell them that you would like them there as you are their only child but if they can't come and act happy for you and be positive, then you would prefer they not come. And then if they do come and start ruining it, I would then ask them to leave.

If you just wan to say the truth and block replies, I'd go for something petty and snarky like:

"Mum, we don't want you to be out of pocket by taking a day off work so please don't come to our wedding. You've made it abundantly clear that you value your income more than your child's wedding day so we'd rather you weren't there."
and
"Dad, you've made it clear through your persistent belittling of me and jibes about my health that you don't want to be at our wedding. Please feel free to share any jokes about being uninvited with your friends and not us."

Or for something cutting but less specific:

"We've narrowed our guestlist for our wedding day so your presence is no longer required. We will be spending the day celebrating with people who have been positive about our relationship and our big day."

Or for something a bit more tactful:

"Our wedding day plans have changed to a much smaller number of people. We took on board your feedback about a midweek wedding clashing with work so this way, there's no need for you to take any time off. It'll just be the two of us and our closest mates."

You are deeply hurt at the moment but take a breath and go radio silence for a while, they may realise and repent . It will give you more time to gather your thoughts and decide on your actions
Un inviting them is a big , irrevocable step

Not sure if anyone has helped you draft a message yet but maybe something along the lines of
Hi Mum and Dad, DP and I have had a discussion and feel that with Mum not wanting to take a day off and dad's inappropriate and hurtful comments, it may be best if you don't attend the wedding. We obviously wish for it to be a special and happy day to celebrate our love and I don't feel like either of you are on board with that right now.

Lots of great suggestions already, just wanted to say congratulations on the wedding and tell you I think its bloody brilliant you are putting your foot down, being blood related gives far too many people the idea they can behave like shit towards others and should be forgiven no matter what, and its not right.
A marriage is between two people at the end of the day, its an occasion for joy and love and if people cant be trusted to not be dicks then they arent the right people to be there.
I highly doubt they would suddenly change overnight to a degree that would make you regret not inviting them, its much more likely that they will continue to be dicks throughout your life, and painful though that is, at least you'll be able to think 'thank god i didnt let them make me feel like shit on my wedding day too'
Best of luck to you OP.

use chatgtp or Claude for the message

Try to look at it from their point of view. What sort of a wedding is it? Where the bride and groom cohabite together for 10+ years and there is nothing wedding-y about it, just formalisation of a cohabiting arrangement? I am not referring to a small registry office or a local restaurant by the way, these two are perfectly wedding-y.

Sounds great. Be true to yourself. Please trust your gut. It is very important to trust your gut. Please.

Have you told your parents what they say to upset you? I find some people need things to be spelled out to them. To be as blunt and insensitive as they are. Be blunt and insensitive back. It might make you feel better and make your parents understand and be more respectful towards you.

Depends how much leave you have already taken, how long you have been working for your employer and in some jobs when you want to take it.

Try to consider your future relationship with them post wedding. You might not be able to come back from this. Do you want any future children to have a relationship with their grandparents? Are you happy to go totally NC? What was your response when your mother commented about a day’s unpaid leave? You should have laughed it off or pointed out you were upset with her 🤔

My Ddad got “funny” once I’d announced me and DP were getting married. I think it was that fact he’d be losing control over me and couldn’t begin to control my fiancé ( older than I was)
We booked the Registry Office, gave him the date and time and the choice was his..
He chose to go to an unnecessary medical appointment at exactly the time of the wedding! So he missed his only daughters wedding!

Honestly, it didn’t make a jot of difference, we had a lovely day, and were very happily married til cancer took my lovely man from me, far too young.

My Ddad..? Died ostracised from both me and my brother.

My advice is do what you want to do - don’t worry about other people.
You will know in your heart what is right.

Your Mothers behaviour is a good indication…

You sound rather childish, although they don’t sound particularly sensitive or tactful.

If you want a massive rift, of course uninvite them to your wedding.

Sounds like your mum needs to think before she opens her mouth and dad needs to remember whose wedding it is and rein in his enthusiasm!

If being called insulting slurs by your own father around a significant disability makes you childish, then call me childish as well.

I’m sorry Op. I don’t know the right answer here but I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this and wish you a wonderful day. xxx

Uninvite them. People saying but they are family and you’ll regret it have no idea at all. Have a lovely day without them, if it’s got to this stage of asking then not worth it.
Horribke comments about health and no excitement is terrible. Had the same from my MIL about my child, would change the subject and refused to hold them once here

This if you communicate with them and spell out how you are feeling about them being at the wedding it may give them a massive kick to sort out their behaviour!

People whose parents were OK or even great, never understand people whose parents actively damaged them.

Honestly I can completely understand how you feel. I haven't read anyone elses comments only yours, so i'm sorry if this has already been covered. I recently married my husband last year and for similar reasons to yourself we didn't invite any of his family to our wedding. While we had initially invited them all some of his family were verbally abusive during a disagreement (and although not all of his family were involved in the verbal abuse the ones not involved minimised the situation as per usual with the defense of you know how they get, its better just to agree with them) leading to him choosing to take a big step back from seeing them.

We too only had a small wedding with a very casual meal after. So we used the fact that it was a very small simple wedding as the "excuse" to un-invite them. We framed it as - We have noticed that you've made some comments about how you are struggling with the time/cost of attending our wedding. We know you'd like to be there but as we are only planning a very small event for a couple of hours we have realised that it would be better to celebrate with you at another time, where we can spend more time together and isnt so expensive for you. Although we would like you to be there we are much happier celebrating with you after.

This gave them the ok to opt out without seeming like the bad guys which they jumped at so thankfully we didnt need to spell it out to them that they are not invited, so do not come. They also havent mentioned it since even though we have been to see them, so I dont think they actually care that they didnt come. And tbh it hasnt affected the relationship in anyway.

Great reply 👏🏻

I missed your post about the language your dad used about your disability.

I would disinvite the pair of them.

Tell them that you have reflected on their response since you told them about the wedding and realised that they do not share your excitement to the extent you do and by holding it on a weekday you seem to have inconvenienced them. In addition you want it to be a day which reflects your own joy and without upset and you would rather not have the friction caused by your dad's language and attitude around your disability, so not to worry, you have now removed them from the wedding invite list and you will see them a few days afterwards, at the weekend.

Un invite them and enjoy your day.

Do you think you'll regret it in the future? My story is a bit different, but I had lost touch with my dad for about 15 years prior to my wedding and I made contact to invite him as I didn't want to regret not, and now we see each other regularly. I am glad I took that step.

If you really think they will ruin it then, send them a message and be honest.

Say something along the lines of "I am upset you aren't excited for me and ???? And our big day, we want it to be a day of happiness and celebration. Given your very negative attitude towards our day maybe it would be best if you didn't come"