To think less of those who slept with a lot of people

[AIBUISJUSTASBADASAITA]

I don’t actually care how many people someone slept with, but if they choose to tell me, I think less of them

This could be at least partially caused by someone once telling me slept with someone from each continent and he is would now like to hit his next target of sleeping with someone pregnant

That’s to say that, if I really think about it, I don’t feel most upstanding members of society engage in sleeping with hundreds of people and counting, for various reasons

That’s because for most regular people, once you’ve encountered the time and effort it takes to, for example, build and progress a career / raise a family / build a business / travel / excel at a hobby / maintain friendships and family relationships / find lasting connections and fall in love / get a degree etc etc, there’s not that much time left to sleep with an insane number of people

I also get squeamish about diseases thinking of the sort of sex lives those who manage to sleep with hundreds lead

Finally, I’ve met a few women who clearly thought the number of people they slept with validated them in some way and felt it was worth mentioning. It was volunteered in a way as if to say “I am so attractive / cool / outgoing / sexual” that I’ve slept with such a high number of people. Yeah, not the brag you think it is…

AIBU, if you’re being completely honest?

I didn't keep count, but definitely slept with far more people than I should have in my teens/early twenties. I wouldn't say I ever saw it as a badge of honour though, I usually felt horrible after.
I'm a different person now, I learned to like myself and realised I'm worth more than letting myself be used. People I've met in more recent years would be quite surprised I think!
So while so can understand a raised eyebrow, I wouldn't judge a person on anything other than the way they act at the time I know them.

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your worth, integrity, value and character have absolutely nothing to do with the number of people you’ve had sex with. I do think less of people who think badly of a person because of the number of people they’ve had sex with, because they have shown themselves to be a stupid twat, however.

Providing people are not cheating on me or anyone I care about, not damaging their families and not spreading disease I couldn’t give a tinker’s cuss about other peoples sexual behaviour.

Sex is different for everyone. What works for me doesn’t work for others.

I would no more judge someone for their sexual preferences than I would for their taste in clothes or food.

Well you clearly do care if you judge people for it. You can only say don’t care if you genuinely don’t care and it doesn’t influence anything.

Re upstanding members of society - do you think theatre actors, Hollywood actors and Olympic athletes are upstanding members of society?

Hahaha this is hilarious, how long do you think it takes so shag someone? Or are you someone who refers to it as making love 😂. If someone goes out, meets someone, has sex, that’s very common and easily done. So it’s surely easy to understand that until someone settles down and has babies etc, it’s perfectly feasible to sleep with dozens of people.
Also I don’t really care, I wouldn’t ask someone what their number was and I can’t imagine many people volunteer that information?

It just seems somewhat unlikely we would share any interests as presumably if someone sleeps with that many people they must go out a lot, probably clubbing etc which isn't me at all.

i actually have no idea how many people my friends/family members/colleagues/acquaintances have slept with and have zero interest in knowing!

If you lost your virginity at 16 and from then on dated roughly one person every 6 months until you found your husband at 30, you’ve slept with almost 30 people - it can easily add up!

I don't know how much time you think sex takes. If someone started having sex at 18, and had slept with 100 people by age 28, that would be 10 a year - less than one a month. I'm sure nearly everyone spends at least 1 night a month doing something that doesn't contribute to their career, "excelling at a hobby", etc.

I think we are still too close to the times when sexually transmitted diseases were killers (less than 80 years for antibiotic controls, less than 50 years for HIV, less than 20 years for HPV, actually still ongoing for the unvaccinated) for everyone to be completely unconcerned about large numbers of sexual partners.

It's easy these days to lose sight of the fact that chastity in both men and women, (though outside religion largely only applied to women), was a matter of public health and life and death.

So, how many people is too many?!

I wouldn't be "squeamish about diseases" just because someone has had sex with a lot of people.

I have a couple of friends who are open about enjoying casual sex (although I've no idea of their "number") and they're both big advocates for protection and testing. I'm sure there are plenty of people who've only had sex with a few people - or even just one - who don't even consider taking precautions.

Plus, unless I'm going to sleep with someone, their potential STIs have absolutely no impact on me.

You know the time it takes to have sex with someone and get a degree, for example, are wildly different? This is very confusing.

I do judge.
For men I think they are grim.
For women I think it'sa sign something is wrong, low self esteem, need to be loved, wanting approval from men as father left etc.

But I generally wouldn't ask, and don't want to know

I also think there is a lot of virtue signalling on here. Trying to look all 'cool girl', but would actually judge in certain circumstances.

People saying 'oh I think it's great' etc.

But if it was their daughter they would be horrified.

And if it was an ex's new girlfriend they would be freely calling them a slag etc and being delighted the ex had made such a horrendous choice of partner

And would run a mile from a man who had slept with 200 people and been dogging etc

Anything over 50 is gruesome

I don’t actually care how many people someone slept with

You do, though. You’re dressing it up as ‘I just don’t think people should tell you’ but then you go on to say other things that reveal you actually just think having sex with lots of people is gross.

I don’t think boasting about anything is attractive. So if someone was boasting about their sexual history in the same way they’d boast about their car or their salary, I’d think they were a twat - but no more so than if they were boasting about their car or their salary or their house.

If sexual history came up in the conversation and they mentioned in passing, as a relevant aside, that they’d slept with a hundred people, that wouldn’t make me think less of them at all. If they spoke about those partners in a derogatory way, I’d think less of them. But not for sleeping with lots of people. I’m totally fine with people having whatever kind of consensual sex they want, provided they’re open about their intentions. It’s just sex. Whatever works for them is fine.

But why would you be splitting up with someone 28 times at the 6 month mark. Something would be amiss!

The whole ‘women who are relaxed about sex are just trying to be a cool girl’ trope is incredibly misogynistic.

You really believe women aren’t capable of forming a sincere opinion about sex, and that women who enjoy sex for its own sake must be lying about it because women can’t possibly truly enjoy sex like that?

Wow. Mumsnet is so full of internalised misogyny when it comes to women’s sexuality.

I am a bit weirded out by people sharing the number of partners they’ve had with me … mainly because I am middle aged and don’t need to know that.

I also find it weird and uncomfortable when someone (of either sex) tells me that they are very good in bed. I don’t need to know this and it’s really subjective. It reminds me of girls (back when I was a teenager) telling everyone that “they were definitely the best kisser - everybody says so”.

No, but I think that people will say 'Oh I don't care at all' as they think it makes them look open minded etc.
BUT they would take a different view if it was either someone they didn't like, or someone close to them, or a potential sexual partner.

So people do actually care, they just don't care about people who don't concern them (fair enough). But they don't actually see it as a good or positive thing, and would judge people for it. Bonnie Blue for example, how may of the 'oh it;s great' people think Bonnie Blue is a role model or liberated woman living her best life?

I say keep it to yourself. I think most guys boast and make the figures up on the spot, and I'm sure nobody but my partner is interested in my number

You're batshit mate, never mind unreasonable.

Why would anyone care whether random people on mumsnet think they're 'cool'?

If it was my (adult) daughter, I might be concerned for her safety, but I wouldn't be judging her character.

I don't think I've ever called someone a slag. If I disliked a woman enough to insult her, it would be for a better reason than her sex life!

DP has slept with quite a lot more people than me - not hundreds, although I don't see how that would change anything. For some people, different values around sex may be a compatibility issue, but I don't think that's inherently judgmental. For me, as long as we're on the same page now, it really doesn't matter.

For example:

Your beloved husband announces he has been having an affair. Then you find out the affair partner is a swinger who has shagged 100 men. I think most people would be like ewwwww you are well rid, what a vile woman etc. And I can just imagine the mumsnet posts!

AIBU - my husband left me for a swinger who has shagged 100 men. AIBU to think she is disgusting and he has very poor taste?

1000 replies saying URGH how grim, not 'oh how nice for her. Hope she had a good time 🤣