AIBU to ask my in-laws not to take the children to church?

[Moocrewmummy]

me and my husband are going away for 2 nights soon & my in laws are watching our daughters. My in laws are very religious which I hold no qualms about but their church is very extreme and have in recent years had accusations of religious coercion amongst other unfavourable accusations in the uk press. I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such. The intend to take the girls to their church on the Sunday to which I am very apposed to and my husband seconds this as well. Are we being unreasonable to ask them not to take them to church? My mother in law frequently watches a live stream at home when she’s ill so they can still watch but doesn’t involve my children going in to the church. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

sorry but if you want their free labour then it comes with taking them to church. I suspect there’s a crèche anyway during the service. I do understand that you may have doubts, I’ve been to a few more out there services thanks to relatives and friends who invited us to specific events but turned out to be a full service but one service really shouldn’t be an issue. My kids know i would take grandchildren to my church (c of e) if they ever decided to have kids and wanted childcare

I went to Chapel with my observant grandparents numerous times and am an atheist, but I learned a lot,

My Dc made many temple visits with their father’s family and took part in a range of religious non Christian ceremonies, and are atheists but knowledgeable about the religion and cultural applications.

“some people believe…”

OP stated that this church is ‘very extreme’.
With all the alarming sub-sects and full-on cults within Christianity alone now, I’d not be so sanguine, tbh.

As someone up thread as pointed out, for a Christian to attend service on at least Sunday is part of the faith, unless one is ill. I always find this difficult if going away with people when plans will be made for Sunday that do not include a trip to the local CofE, so make sure to attend a midweek service - but this may not be an option for OP's DPs. And going to church is not going to harm anyone.

I don't think you can really tell them not to take them - their weekend, they're in charge and you know perfectly well that they go to church each week. Personally I wouldn't have them babysit over a weekend if you feel this strongly about it.

I grew up religious (Jewish) but am not raising my kids like that. They have gone to synagogue now and again while visiting family. As has my non-Jewish husband. I did have a startling experience at a friend's funeral when I was 17 when the minister asked 'everyone who has been saved to stand up' and then he prayed over us while seated at great length and told us we could get saved right then and there. That was very unpleasant. So I support your choice in how to raise your kids but I don't see how you could actually enforce this if you're letting them watch your kids for such a long period of time.

yanbu to not want your children going to an extremist church. Your 4 year old is at an especially impressionable age so I wouldn’t like that at all.
however, I then wouldn’t be comfortable leaving them with them, we don’t have a village to help with our children so we just wouldn’t be able to go without the children.

Exactly what do you imagine will happen if the children are exposed to your in laws church, on the one occasion?

Do your in laws discuss their religion openly around the children?

Then find someone else to babysit or look after their own kids. They have a choice.

Funnily enough I have been to some of the more extreme churches you mention (as a curious teenager) - the ones which really do try and evangelise and have some questionable practices. Funnily enough in their general / open Sunday sessions they mostly tend to be pretty lovely and happy clappy - that's how they reel in the new recruits! The brainwashing happens behind closed doors.

So even those I think I'd be fine with a 4 year old attending as long as they had no more exposure after. If anything I'd prefer that to CofE where my main worry would be they'd be bored to tears and wriggling around.

I did read the post. The livestreaming issue changes nothing because the principal is the same: dictating to people looking after your children what they can and can't do.

They attend church every Sunday, you can’t really expect them not to go. Maybe ask someone else to babysit. My children haven’t been christened and we are not at all religious but I take my kids to church for weddings and other celebrations it’s nice for them to see how people practice their faith, one trip to church won’t change the kids views.

Nothing stopping you from asking, but I cannot see what one visit is going to have an impact on such young children.

Was the baptism they attended and laughed at the Catholic rigmarole the baptism of your children?

Because if so, it sounds like you think it's acceptable to baptise the children in the faith you grew up in (but no longer practice) but it's not acceptable for the grandparents to practice the faith they actually currently practice.

Like many pp have said, it's a big deal for a Christian to miss a Sunday church service so you will have to decide what is more important to you- both adults attending the marathon weekend away, or protecting (as you see it) your children from the Vineyard church.

I know the type of church you mean @Moocrewmummy - as a child I was beaten for saying that I didn't want to go to church, which frequently went on for hours and involved people wailing aloud and "speaking in tongues".

YANBU for asking your ILs not to take the children to church. But I can virtually guarantee that they will ignore your request and take them anyway.

At their age I would not be having any qualms about them attending church, it will add to their life experience and give them something to laugh about when they are older.

However if there was any racist, homophobic or other unpleasant content I would not want their exposure to that and would not use the Grandparents to babysit in this instance and let them know why.

Only the OP knows this bit but having been to some pretty extreme churches, I've never experienced a Sunday family session which is any scary hellfire / burn the gays type stuff. They tend to leave that for smaller, less public forums.

Surely one visit isn’t going to make them
extrmists

Why cant the kids cheer on their aunt at a half marathon? Im confused?

At 2 and 4 church is gunna be really hard work! I’d let them go and use it as a learning experience if they pick up on what’s actually going on - I’m guessing they’ll do some form of re at school.

Yes it would be unreasonable to ask religious people not to go to their place of worship. I think you suck it up, accept the favour and make sure you don’t make it a regular thing.

You don’t have to believe your young children will be converted in one weekend to want to avoid them being exposed to ideas you find extremist or abhorrent without context.

As children get older, they are better prepared to ask critical questions both in the moment and when they get home. Every parent has to decide for their individual child how much of the darker side of the world they are ready to experience.

I know many people don’t believe a church can possibly be bad, but that just isn’t true. You can believe church is good, but not everyone has to agree.

You otherwise trust them with your young children.
I imagine they just want their church friends to meet the kids.I imagine it will be very boring and not turn them into extremists

What will you do when they start school? A daily religious service is mandatory in UK schools, unless you formally withdraw your DC.
I would allow them to go to church on this rare occasion and if DD brings it up later, explain that GPs like to go to Church but you don't, that you grew up going to a different church that does things rather differently but as an adult, you prefer not to go to either

YABVVVU.

You say in your OP

"I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such"

Yet are now saying they can't attend one service with their Grandparents. Make your mind up.
Vineyard Church are hardly a cult.

You do realise they won't "catch" religion, don't you ?

You are incredibly lucky to have Grandparents who are both fit and healthy enough and also willing to look after your dc on multiple occasions overnight. If it is so important to go away without your dc, then you accept the people looking after them will carry on with their normal routine. If that is so abhorrent to you, then either don't go; take your dc with you; or find other childcare.

I think the biggest risk is that your 2 and 4 year old might actually enjoy it. The happy clappy churches often have a lot of young families and separate,fun activities for the children. Then they might want to go again. Oh no!

They're not going to catch much at that age as a one-off.