AIBU to ask my in-laws not to take the children to church?

[Moocrewmummy]

me and my husband are going away for 2 nights soon & my in laws are watching our daughters. My in laws are very religious which I hold no qualms about but their church is very extreme and have in recent years had accusations of religious coercion amongst other unfavourable accusations in the uk press. I was raised catholic and my husband Protestant but neither of us practice and want to raise our children to be open to faith but we are not going to raise them as religious as such. The intend to take the girls to their church on the Sunday to which I am very apposed to and my husband seconds this as well. Are we being unreasonable to ask them not to take them to church? My mother in law frequently watches a live stream at home when she’s ill so they can still watch but doesn’t involve my children going in to the church. Any guidance on this would be appreciated!

They learn about different religions and see services at school, so really don't think going to one service is going to be a massive problem, at least not compared to what they'll see online (and even if you never let them online/won't let them have a phone, it's unlikely they won't see something on a friend's). Plus surely they have friends who are Christian/Muslim/Hindu etc-my kids often talk about seeing religious things at friends' houses, and we just discuss what it means and how people have different views, but ultimately most scholars see religions as just a method to think about helping people and be happier (ideally, anyway!).
But if you really feel the extremism at this particular place is so dangerous going once is an issue, maybe report it.

So you have 2 choices.

Go away and they go to church.

Don't go away.

I would let them take them this time and then don't bother going away over a weekend again if you don't want a repeat. It might make your children more rounded if they visit places of worship though? One off visit won't harm them.

You're missing the point. It is absolutely reasonable. Asking your in-laws not to go to church is not reasonable.

So go and support your sister on your own and leave your DH with the kids.

They are very religious you can't ask them not to attend church. Watching online when ill shows it is important to them even when ill not that attendance in person is optional.

I dont think you and dh are wrong in your views but I think wrong to ask them to babysit and then expect them to skip church. Would one night not work for supporting your sister? Or dh stay at home? Or the children attend, they wont be brainwashed and you can answer any questions from 4 year old.

With a bit of luck Grandparents may decide church too tricky with grandchildren but def can't ask them not to go. Likely they are excited to show them off to their friends.

Presumably nothing improper goes on in church though if it's evangelical or pentecostal it may be a bit loud and expressive? There is quite likely a creche and activities for children during the service. I don't see why your DC can't go. Check with your DPs to find out if there is child friendly stuff (it will likely be about Christianity but presumably you don't mind that). I can't see a problem.

My Mum was devout Catholic. I was raised Catholic. I no longer believe or attend a church of any kind and my children are not baptised. But I know if my Mum was babysitting my children then going to church on Sunday was non-negotiable. She took them to the local to me Catholic church. That is her faith and I respect that. She respects I am not.

My children attended a CofE primary and they learned about the major faiths practised in this country, their classmates are Sikh, Muslim, Hindu, JW, Jewish and CofE. I never learned about any religion other than Catholicism. The teaching is couched as this is what Christians believe, this is what Hindu's believe. They come to understand about why Jessica cannot come to the party (JW) and why Tom cannot eat beef.

Just talk to your eldest, you say this is Grandma's religious beliefs and then add in some other ones so they understand there is a choice in this, it isn't just your way or your MIL's way, there are many other religions.

Totally agree with this. But I wouldn't allow fundamentalist grandparents to be alone with my children at all. They would see it as their absolute duty to 'save' them. Church is a red herring.

Absolutely this

I am not sure it's particularly coherent to be fine with your ILs (members of the church) looking after your kids for a whole weekend but object so strongly to them attending a service on a Sunday when they are 2 and 4. If you eldest has questions about it, I would answer them honestly.

Failing that, take them with you - they'll be fine.

Surely if you genuinely feared your preschool children being indoctrinated, spending an entire weekend alone with their gps is mofe of a risk thsn an houror do church service?

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I don't blame you for not wanting your DC to be indoctrinated in religion, but I wouldn't be wanting them to spend any unsupervised time with people who are so religiously divisive. Your PiL's views will be far more impactful on your DC than what they'd hear, once, at a church full of people they don't know.

Also, you can't ask people not to follow their religion so you can have childcare.

Take the DC with you to the race, there will be plenty of families there. I often see parents with push chairs at these sorts of things. Alternatively, you go to support your sister and DH look after the kids.

If you don’t want your in laws to take your children to church, don’t ask them to babysit on a Sunday.

You're not being unreasonable, but you should find someone else to look after your children

And for anyone who says you are, ask them how would they feel if you swapped 'church' to 'on a fox hunt' or 'to demonstrate against asylum seekers'

Yep. I’ve attended many religious things through my life and ‘caught’ none of it. 🙄

If it bothers you that much, then best arrange different childcare.

I don't understand why a Christian service would harm small DC. I mean, it's not an Aztec human sacrifice event, presumably?
I took my DC to Catholic services (they attended Catholic schools), Protestant services, Hindu religious celebrations and to Hindu temples and into a mosque. They've attended a total immersion baptism at a Baptist church, and numerous Christmas carol services and, of course, mass. They are both, sadly, atheists - though I do acknowledge that one of the best ways to produce an atheist is to send them to a religious school (it was the best school in town and I had a get in since my father was RC)!

YANBU to not want the kids to go but making demands on those doing you a favour is BU.

I'd be finding an alternative sitter.

Have you spoken to them about your concerns re the church?

Yeah, agree wholeheartedly with this v sensible mindset

Tricky as you can't ask them to set aside their beliefs. If you've been raised Christian you'll appreciate that in person attendance unless physically incapacitated really is an important part of faith.

I think at 2 and 4 the chances of your kids being damaged by church is really limited. And of course if your 4 year old has questions, you can talk to her about them after.

My parents are atheists but I still accompanied my grandad to church regularly, also went and visited friends' mosques and a Sikh temple once, had to attend pretty regularly through girl guides even though by then I didn't agree with a lot of it... it was fine.

Did you not read the post then? OP says it's livestreamed and they often watch at home instead. That seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

@Moocrewmummy your children will not be indoctrinated as a one off.

Don't worry, enjoy a child free weekend with your husband supporting your sister.

Also agree. I had the big discussions with my kids when they were around 5... explained I'm an atheist but they can choose what they want. My eldest decided to be agnostic, my youngest decided to be Christian though isn't very observant but does believe in God and Jesus and that's fine by me.

At 2 and 4 I hardly think 1 weekend of church is going to do much. The 4 year old might pick stuff up but as a parent you can easily correct as you see fit.