AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

What financial abuse? This is an absurd suggestion.

If it’s in an ISA you can’t stop him, if it’s just a child saving account you can transfer some or all of it to another account e.g. your own or a LISA.

Probably you mostly do internet banking? If you go to a bank and try to withdraw your own money from your own account in the amount exceeding a sum set by this bank (£3000 for NatWest), you will be compulsorily asked 'Did somebody ask you to withdraw this money/transfer this money'? clearly inviting you to disclose if this is a coercive payment. Have a look at the posters in NatWest

Financial abuse | Help and Support | NatWest

I voted AIBU because you cannot refuse him access to the money or to his passport. You are in a horrible situation OP. I hope it has a happy ending.

It’s his money.

If he wants to have it and waste it, that’s up to him.

OP cannot claim financial abuse as it’s not her money.

Only DS can do that and he would then need to involve the police.

There is no financial abuse - just a young adult who may waste the money.

Hate to disillusion you - no police involvement is required. I know of an instance when suspected financial abuse was reported to NatWest when a person of sound mind and of age was withdrawing to lend to unsavoury friends, the report was made by a parent. The bank quickly put a stop to that and put the shits up the person, saying that they received a report of a suspected abuse and they would involve the police. That was sufficient to nip it in the bud.

The reality is that you have to give him access to the money, because he needs to be able to feed and house himself, and he can’t claim benefits because of the savings. Savings which are legally his. So to withhold would be you being financially abusive, and could cause you a whole host of problems. Unfortunately, you need to drop the rope here and give him access to the money which is his.

If by some miracle you can get him back into work, you need to try to persuade him to sign it back to you for safekeeping. He would then be eligible for benefits months/years down the line if he falls off the wagon again.

We are in almost identical situations, other than that I did not save in his name. It’s horrific.

But that isn’t happening here.

You can’t stop someone from withdrawing their money and if actual financial abuse is suspected (and a conversation doesn’t work) then the banks will get the police involved.
They wouldn’t refuse access to the money.

This is also extra challenging if it’s implied it’s for drugs/illegal activity rather than just giving money away.