AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

Not a leg to stand on here I’m afraid.

From an employer pov why would they want him back? It sounds like he was given far too many chances, he isn’t a good employee.

I would not be intervening here.

rent in our area is crazy expensive. He’d blow his and our money in no time. It’s not a sustainable solution. But maybe I don’t know where to look. Would a council accommodation be fitting and would he be eligible? Anyone know?

They broke the law making a 17 year old work those hours. He turned up for his regular shifts but struggled with the overtime. That’s when he let them down.

Why does he not live at home?

I would be pushing for this as he’s easily susceptible to end up in the wrong crowd and his life will be over.

The cannabis is a way to self medicate so I wouldn’t judge him for that.
But I would be encouraging him to use his meds and change the dosage etc until they agree with him.
Theyre not going to work if he doesn’t remember to take them or stops and starts.

Regarding the job - he regularly didn’t turn up - of course he got fired and it’s his own fault.

He needs to see this as a lesson learnt and find a different job and not mess it up.

He could beg for another chance but they don’t need to take him back on.

So you want to try and blackmail them into taking him back?

They’re definitely not going to want to take him back under those circumstances and if for some reason they have to, it would not be a pleasant environment for him.

If he’s truly changed he can ask for a trial period with them but they don’t have to accept.

But tbh I think he’s better off finding a new job and having a fresh start.

I wish he would live at home. He doesn’t want to. Says he needs his own space. He has his own room and frankly plenty of space. The issue is he doesn’t want to be told what to do and largely we don’t. He comes and goes exactly as he pleases and has free rein of the kitchen and more food than anyone could want washing down for him etc. but we don’t allow him to smoke inside and take it away if it starts to smell or he brings home large quantities. We let him smoke as he pleases outdoors in the garden. But still he wants his
own space.

I keep changing my mind on this going back and forth.

maybe you are right. Maybe we should not try and get him to save the job if he doesn’t want to and not push him. Perhaps I should ask him if he’d like a lift to college and if he says he is giving it up support him and tell him we will help him find a new job if he wants help. Maybe he does need to work this out on his own. I just don’t know what to do about where he lives. If he gets. Soon and can afford to rent great. But I highly doubt that will happen. We don’t have the money apart from what we have saved for him and which won’t last long to pay rent alongside our mortgage as well.

I’m not saying they acted properly, but he also wasn’t a good employee, but if they were that bad why would you want him going back to them?

If they knew he had severe ADHD that brings the situation into potential disability discrimination territory if they are punishing him for not being able to comply with a pattern of arranging work that he couldn’t reliably manage.

Having said that, don’t go in all guns blazing because they will find other reasons why he was a problem. Ask them if they made a referral to Occupational Health given his disability and what reasonable adjustments were agreed. If they didn’t refer to OC ask that happens now as the lack of reasonable adjustments has inadvertently disadvantaged your DS due to his disability.

You can mention as part of the OC request that overtime hours might need to be reviewed given his age.

Even if they don’t want to keep him after his apprenticeship if he can at least finish it that would be something.

(Edited to add)
You could also use the hours and lack of reasonable adjustments to as the college if they could find another employer that might give your DS a fresh start.

To complete his apprenticeship and gain his qualification. If it was any other job it wouldn’t matter so much.

Why would his money be paying rent and mortgage?

I think you need to be realistic here

Even if he doesn’t go back or they won’t take him back it would be great to use this in a negotiation to at least get a good reference or for him to be given a chance to resign on record not fired. I worry it will be very hard to him otherwise when looking for another job.

he doesn’t have any money without a job apart from his savings which won’t go very far for long. So I meant if we decided to pay his rent for him it would be a struggle on top of our mortgage.

I doubt your son would secure a council accommodation with the current pressures on housing- that's not to say he's not eligible. He could tell the council that he is homeless- sleeping on his mates floor and put his name down. If his mate ends the arrangement he might have to go to the council as homeless if he won't go home. He might be offered temporary accommodation. As he has 10s of thousands in savings he would need to pay the bill himself though.

I believe as a young person he would only be entitled to the rate of a room in a shared house if he was claiming benefits. As he's not entitled to benefits due to his savings there really isn't much point involving the council as he'll be expected to pay for this room himself anyway.

Apologies I misread.

I think this EVERY time I see normal parent who are no where close.to maxing out thier own isa allowances putting 5k into jayden / kai / little Jimmy's JISA.

Just noooo. Keep control of ypur own money.

I really feel for OP - there but for the gea e of God go I... but the whole point is no matter how much you love your kids you.cant predict the future

Would he actually want to go back and finish the apprenticeship?

I absolutely would not try and blackmail them into taking him back but if he wants to go back he needs to apologise and explain how overwhelmed he felt as he was told he’d only be doing X amount of hours to have time for his other things.

If he was doing extra hours, he should have spoken to them instead of just not turning up.
He could have said from the beginning that he can’t do weekends etc

How long has he got left?

Every parent struggles with this age because there’s a thin line between doing too much and not enough.
Obviously your son has extra issues and so it makes that decision even more difficult.

i wouldn't blame you for doing everythig possible to keep the money safe. Because he sounds incredibly vulnerable and if he didn’t spend it himself he would surely be targeted by others. For this reason it’s crucial to protect it, and him.

This is all well and good. My dd seemed perfectly sensible until she became mentally ill and we thought she’d do great things. Turns out she has severe ADHD as well. Diagnosed a month shy of her 18th. I think dd was perhaps ADHD morphing me (that’s where people take on the personality of the person they spend a lot of time with). Aaaand a middle age mum is pretty sensible.

Unfortunately she did have the executive functioning to access the money. It’s gone down at least 3k.

Perhaps he’s not able to do a normal college course due to his ADHD but some colleges have accommodation on site and this may be something for him to consider.

Getting him his own flat (might make him mature) but it’ll likely overwhelm him too much and he’ll end up getting into trouble.

He can’t crash on friends sofas forever though.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I'm sure OP is well aware and wishing they had not put the money in his name but they are where they are. Parents try their best for their kids and sometimes make mistakes. If only we could all see into the future.

I always felt incredibly guilty that I could never afford to do this but if I could I wouldn’t have an account that they can access at 18.

A 25/30yo would need that money way more than an 18yo.

Or I’d have said it’s only for a house deposit and not age dependent.

I reckon 4 months. It will all be gone within 4 months of him getting access to it.

Unfortunately you reap what you sow. Your DH is an idiot for using it to entice a response in his attitude that your own parenting skills should have taken care of. Now you are literally setting fire to that money because to all intents and purposes, its his money.

My advice, stop delaying the inevitable. Give him the money and deal with the fall out. At present its a badge of honour for your efforts over the years but in reality its already gone. All because your DH used it as a bribe.

There are no alternatives to this.

She doesn't have to help him though, and it doesn't sound like he could do it by himself...