AIBU to refuse my 18-year-old access to his savings?

[TheSereneBird]

My son has just turned 18. To say he has been a nightmare for the last 3 years is an understatement. He failed all his GCSEs. Only ended up sitting 3 of them but failed. I recalled the papers and he had barely written anything. I helped him find an apprenticeship. He’s done that for a year but it’s been very rocky. He’s now been fired with just a few months to go for consistently not turning up.
I’ve pleaded with him to save his job and I k who he does want to save it but won’t face up to it. He’s been in trouble with the police twice for cannabis possession. He was in front of the magistrates just before he turned 18 and they gave him a stern warning that if he is caught again he will be in an adult court.
he has moved out - he’s done this before sleeping on a friends floor.

He has a savings account that we have kept for him since he was a baby with 10a of thousands in it - money from grandparents as well over the years. He knows about it and as he is now 18 he knows that he can have the money transferred to him legally and there is nothing we can do about it. I don’t want him to touch it. It was meant to be for a deposit for his first home to help him on his way. He will waste it on rent and probably drugs.

he is seeing a therapist and I know he wants the help. He has a severe adhd so everything seems such a struggle for him and even sticking to his appointments is a nightmare. It costs is £200 a session but I’d pay the world to help him. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and does as he pleases.

he is now jobless and sleeping on a friends floor. He has a good home and all the love and support he could want or need. He knows he is welcome back anytime. I’m so afraid he will try to access the money. AIBU to deny him it. I’ve told him we put in in a child account to benefit from the tax savings but it is not his until we give it to him. With no job I’m worried he will be desperate and do something stupid. AIBU? I feel so stressed out.

Why? Most of us bring up kids who have a sense of value and control.

Both mine got access to accounts that are healthy enough to pay a house deposit. Both used a few grand out of them to put towards cars they had been saving for previously. Both replaced the money over a period through saving and actually have more in them than when handed over. Both then went and set up LISA's because they saw the benefits and have healthy amounts building up in them.

Its a completely normal mechanism for most people to provide for their children. Just because some people end up in the OP's situation doesnt make it an extremely good way of introducing young adults into the world of responsibility.

Sooner or later his thoughts will drift to his savings, especially if he can’t get a job. All it takes is a brief conversation with a friend or walking to the branch of the provider (if it’s not an online only provider) or a quick google search to start the wheels turning.

My son has a child account that I am trustee for. He is 26. He also has ADHD. He doesn't really know how much he has in it, but I still control it. I haven't given it to him. In fact when he needed to borrow some money from me to get his car done, he actually 'borrowed it' from his own account - unbeknownst to him - and is currently diligently paying himself back. There's no way I would have let him have it at 18 - and he hasn't as much saved as your son. As far as I know he couldn't access it, so I think if you don't do anything he will find it difficult to access.

Could you give him an allowance in return for doing something? Coming home, doing chores, giving him some structure? Also, if you are on Facebook join the Parents for Adults Children with ADHD and sign up for info from ADHD UK if you haven't already

https://adhduk.co.uk/support/

Doesn't really make sense if you're taxed 40% on the interest though or, you claim UC or your abusive husband demands half when you divorce.

Agree. All it takes is a friend to take enough of an interest to help him and it would be sorted quickly and legally in his favour.

But my point is that unless you are maxing out your own ISA allowance then there is simply no need to take the risk when no one knows how their child will turn out.

My DDs have a modest amount (less than £1k) of birthday/other monies invested. If they waste it at 18 then that’s a shame but no long term harm done. Wasting thousands that your parents could have saved in their own names is a much bigger issue.

All other money is saved in my & DH’s names, perhaps some will go to help DDs, perhaps we’ll spend it all on high living when we retire, but I know it will never be wasted by a teen!

People who can save more than the £20k annual ISA allowance should not be claiming UC!

Well you have to make a choice at some point. There are only 2 options, your name or DC same. Each has its own pros and cons. Nobody with £20k is claiming UC legitimately though.

It is his money and he must declare it if making an application for benefits.

Op as a fellow mum of a young adult with adhd I don't know what i would do.

How much longer has he to go in his apprenticeship?

My ds would find it very stressful to go back to that place of work after the way it ended, even if it wasn't his fault. His social skills are not great, he's not great at organising his thoughts, he overthinks interactions so would be convinced everyone there hated him.

I think I would not push for him to go back. But I would if possible ask for a reference for him to take away with him. I would do that for him, even though he's over 18 and most folk on here would be telling me he should do it himself. He wouldn't be capable of doing it himself at the stage your son is at right now.

I would organise a meeting at college with him and you and see what they can offer him. I would do the organising and present him with the date and that way he'd be more inclined to just turn up.

I've come to believe that mental well being and stability comes before everything else. And he's got a lot going on right now. So if he can't deal with getting back to his existing job or college I think I'd help him tie up any loose ends so he potentially has a way back in future and concentrate on other things for now.

I have no idea how you fix his drug issues. I'm sorry things are this way for him right now. He's young, he's made some stupid choices. He's not the only one. But he can turn it around.

If he has savings in his name (even if you are currently not allowing access) this would all need to be declared on any benefit/housing application.

the situation sounds incredibly difficult

ADHD and large amounts of money is a lethal combination, ask me how I know 🤦‍♀️

I blew through my savings when I was 18, undiagnosed at the time and now I realise that I was self medicating with illegal drugs. I was diagnosed a few years later and now take medication, it’s a rough ride finding something that suits you but there’s more than one option.

I hope you can find a way to stop him from getting his hands on it, I don’t think people realise how bad a combination ADHD and money can be.

It's really difficult if the money is legally his but I get your concern, access to this money at his age and stage of development given his issues could not only lead to the money being wasted but actively cause him harm.

I also don't think you can keep hold on an 18 year olds passport

Dont let him back into your home.He is an adult. You should back off and let him go his own way. If that means allowing him to access what is his own money then so be it. You have no right to withhold his passport.

Its called tough love.

Transfer it to your account and hold it for him till he's ready to have that kind of money. It's extreme but I am sure he will thank you in the future

I’d just keep repeating that it’s for a house deposit/his future and hope he gives up. Hide the passport if thats his only ID!
If its in his name, it is unfortunately in this situation his to do as he wishes with. If he does end up blowing the lot, well it’s a life lesson learnt however fustrating that will be.

We are fortunate that our kids ISAs were a significant sum and they've been adding to them rather than spending.

I don’t know why this missed to comment I was replying to I tried to quote it!

It was @CherryKerryi was trying to quote who said something about tax, UC and abusive DHs

i realised too late to edit but my post makes no sense without the context?

It’s a bit cancel the chequey here.

OP CANNOT legally transfer money from her adult DCs account to her own. It’s simply not an option.

Ah ok fair enough. It's a shame though. I hope things improve in terms of his involvement with the law.

I’d never do this. I’d something happened to him because I didn’t let him come home I’d never forgive myself or get over it ever. I’d rather he knows he always has a home with us and take advantage of us and feel walked all over then turf him out. I do get the need to have the freedom to make their own life and their own mistakes - he is doing that and we will support him but he will always have a roof and a home with us.

Forget about the money - you need to save your child asap. I don't know what to suggest to jerk him out of this downward spiral, maybe you can ask other MNers? But money is not your problem now, obviously, bar his access to it, but you need to save your child.

Please go to the bank on foot, set up a meeting with the manger and report suspected financial abuse - say that you are worried his wayward environment - unemployed cannabis users will force him to divest. Do something! They should act on suspected financial abuse, especially if it is in writing.

OP there needs to be a balance.

He doesn’t need tough love or be banned from your home.

But he also still needs rules and not to be allowed to take advantage of you and walk all over you.

You and his dad are responsible for teaching him right and wrong - if you let him walk all over you then this doesn’t help him.

He is a teen and has ADHD on top so needs that structure and discipline more than most.

I would say he is absolutely always welcome back in your home IF he follows your rules.

This is the most difficult age because it’s so difficult finding that balance of being supportive vs letting them make their own mistakes.