MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Your MIL is an idiot and sounds suspiciously like my ex-MIL who had never worked a day in her life and just didn’t understand busy family life.

I’ll never forget her phoning 8 times in quick succession just as I’d got home from collecting DS from after school club and was trying to sort school bags, let the dog out, put the chickens away and feed the cats. She only wanted a bloody recipe - at 5.30 on a workday when it was chaos in our house.

None of you did anything wrong, she brought this on herself by turning up far too early.

She was rude turning up early.

You were all busy until 2.30pm. It doesn’t actually particularly matter what you were all busy doing and whether your MIL considers it more or less important than her visit. She was invited from 2.30pm and turned up hours early to find the people who had told her they were busy until 2.30 busy.

Entirely on her.

OP, it’s been asked a couple of times - did she say why she arrived 2 hours early? Have you asked?

It's all very formal and organised. Why was she visiting on a working day and not at the weekend? Does she visit often and how far had she travelled? Let your husband deal with his mother. She is his responsibility. Perhaps in future he could go and visit her when he can fit her into his schedule.
Turning up early is on her but the formality of it all suggests a distant relationship. Is there a FIL?
Too much drama and detail from all.

I was going to say perhaps your DH could have just made her a quick cup of tea in between meetings but I’m not sure if he had a gap at all from what you say.

She clearly was in the wrong to arrive early having been told you’d been working until a particular time.

Thete are some people out there who can’t get their head around the fact that being early is rude - at least as rude as being late, if not more so, when it’s at someone’s house - that you have to listen to the time they say and not try to manipulate it earlier, or that wfh is working!

Why didn’t she help you out by walking your dogs if she arrived 2 hours early?
She thinks the world revolves around her.
YANBU.

Monday afternoon is not the best time for a visit with teens and working parents.
When you say she arranged to visit who did she arranged it with, your DH? She was obviously expecting a family gathering rather than popping in for a coffee.
Turning up over 2 hours early is just as rude as turning up 2 hours late so that's on her.
My teens see a lot of their grandparents but they absolutely wouldn't expect them to be available for a sit down chat in between school/football training or whatever during the week, that's just unrealistic.
You probably could have walked the dogs after she left though.

Of course I agree with that. My question was more linked to what happened after 2.30 with homework, dog walks etc. my parents would assume a term time Monday afternoon would be busy and not even think of visiting then unless we had specifically suggested it, so I was wondering whose idea of was.

The more I imagine my parents or mil in this situation, the more unreasonable she seems. My mil would definitely come with us on the dog walk, not expect the dogs not to be walked. They would both make their own cup of tea and never be rude enough to text about no one making one for them, even if they hadn't been early! They wouldn't even think if visiting on teen's first days of college, and if they did it would be all about making a fuss of them, not expecting the teen to be the one hosting.

She lives about 20 miles away and we see her every other week, more often if we are off work. We are seeing her again at the weekend for a meal for our son before he goes back to uni so she is involved in family life.

She definitely knew she was very early. She said she was and my husband said she’d have to help herself to anything as we’re working before he rushed back to his meeting.

She is married. She does a few hobbies and has friends.

She sounds utterly pathetic and self centred.

What a load of nonsense. I would never turn up that early but circumstances forced it I’d make myself a cup of tea and read/put a podcast on/let myself out and go for a walk.
This wasn’t an arranged visit to see the teens in their proper leisure time.
Honestly, what a fecking drama queen.
Someone should have made her a drink. Why? Put the kettle on yourself, woman.
I would absolutely grey rock.

You DID stop work on time - you knew you'd be finished with work at 2.30, which is why you told her 2.30. I hope DH has reminded her of that.

Your MIL is entitled. She thinks everyone should drop things for her and doesn’t accept your working when you are WFH. I would text back with “yeah, that’s why we said after 2:30 as DH and I were both working until then”. Keep it simple. Don’t go
into apologising.

In terms of the kids. I don’t think they did anything wrong. Sounds like my DC. Any MIL (or FIL) should be happy their GC are doing their college work and out working.

If either of my parents or DH’s come early they make their own drinks or sandwiches and sit and watch TV. They do not expect my children to change their schedules and commitments for them because they chose to visit when not scheduled (ie early) they would come and see GPs as soon as they could. But it would be our parents telling them it’s okay and get on with what they are supposed to be doing. In our family we’re all relaxed about these things but then we are all capable of making ourselves a drink and snack in each others homes.

YANBU, I can’t get over the turned up two hours early. When I’m WFH I don’t reliably hear the front door so would not have been around to let anyone in until say ten minutes before I expected them.

It depends on how she travelled to you, how far, and how often she sees you. If it’s a 2 hour train journey and she sees you every 3 months then it’s a lot different to a 10 minute walk down the road and she sees you every 2 weeks. All of that would have an impact on whether she wanted to stay for dinner.

She was rude turning up early, but not buying it about your son’s homework, he could have spent a bit longer with her.

I can’t see the point in your post op.
If anyone has said your DC’s were unreasonable/rude you’ve said you don’t think they were and rationalising their behaviour so I think you already think YANBU, a waste of everyone’s time.
Id say YANBU due to her arriving early but your DC’s were rude

This explains it. My DM has never worked and has zero idea about what working means or to have pressures, commitments and deadlines. That time is limited and we can't just 'do it tomorrow'.

DM has lived a life of leisure, on a weekly allowance from DF, and has no idea what it means to have commitments or expectations, or having to earn money, or pay bills. I had a bizzare conversation around this with her on the weekend that told me she didn't get it, at all. I had to outline my week so she got some idea!!

I'm not sure what you're asking. Your/your DH's response is very simple.

"We told you to come after 2:30, because we knew we would be working until then. Our work couldn't be abandoned when you arrived early, because we were in meetings and interviewing and our presence was vital. I'm sorry you felt neglected, but that was all on you for arriving two and a half hours early"

I’m in my sixties. If I had messed up by arriving hours earlier than planned, I’d either offer to walk the dogs, or see if there was anything else I could do.

I certainly wouldn’t have a hissy fit.

I’m really surprised by some
of these responses.

She was unreasonable and frankly rude sending that message. Nothing you or your family did seems unreasonable to me.

I hope your DH is on the same page and he replies without using the word sorry.

And next time she is due to visit he should send a reminder text of the expected arrival time.

I wouldn’t have let her in.

It does seem unusual that she came a couple of hours early. If she knew she was early - yes- she should have entertained herself.
Or made herself useful!
eg - she could have walked one of the dogs!
She sounds very ‘formal’ !
I’d forget about it - and move on.
she sounds as though she’s one of these people who quickly feel sorry for themselves !

I’d just tell her this is why you said to arrive from 2:30, as you were working and so would be unable to host until this time.

Not unreasonable in the slightest …. If you were in an office you wouldn’t be able to and it’s the same thing. She was given a time, she chose to arrive early and ignore this and these were then the consequences ….. I used to have this battle with a couple of family members as I wfh and especially when my little one was tiny and at a childminders, they thought it was fine to just call in as I was at home ‘in peace and quiet’. They soon learned!

She is rude to arrive 2 hours early and then be annoyed you're not free. When my gran comes to visit she often arrives at 2/3 knowing I'm working until 5 but she does so because she doesn't like the Friday afternoon traffic and is quite happy to amuse herself until I finish, although I definitely would make her a tea when she arrives.

If you ignore the first couple of hours as she wasn't meant to be there, your children are still rude. By 2:30 your eldest had had more than 7 hours sleep you or DH should've woken him, your youngest did not need to do 4.5 hours of work after the first morning of college, they set the reading for longer than a weekend. Cramming 4 lessons worth into one afternoon won't be much use anyway. You say he got home around 1, if he absolutely had to he could've gone and done 90 minutes, and both boys could've entertained her from the agreed time of 2:30 with your DH. I also think your dogs could've probably waited until 5:30 for their walk, or you could've said MIL would you like to come for a walk (make it a nicer one than a quick 30 minutes) we'll all go and take the dogs.

Both sides at fault.

If you specified 2.30 she shouldn't have turned up at 12.

You claim to have booked an afternoon off but worked until 3 - if I worked till 3 I wouldn't call that having the afternoon off! Sounds like you weren't that keen to see her. Taking the dogs out also a way of avoiding her (I've used that as an excuse to dodge someone before!)

Younger son was rude for not offering to make his grandma a drink or at least chatting to her for 10/15 mins before rushing off to do homework.