MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Interviews ran over so I couldn’t just say I’m off. 😂

I did walk my dogs in the morning but they need walking more than once a day. They get 3 shorter walks on work days.

I’ve explained about the kids if you read.

My husband was with her from 2.30 till she left. I was with her from 2.45 til she left other than 30 minutes to walk the dogs, which I changed from 2 separate walks to 1 walk together so I could be with MIL longer. She could have spent more time with us if she took up the offer of dinner.

My oldest worked til late in a pub/club and went out after so probably drank over 6 a hour period. It was a goodbye so I think he’s entitled to a session. He had no idea she was here as he had been staying at his gfs for a few days before this so we hadn’t seen him to tell him.

She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor A meeting ran over which cannot be helped by you but why not start earlier than 10 if you knew you had a visitor coming?

the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived. i agree with all of this.

I don’t think you or your family are unreasonable. Equally as she may feel you were all rude, she was quite rude turning up 2.5hrs early and expecting to be waited on. People have lives, if you’re running early, expect to slot into that. She could’ve taken herself off to lunch or shopping to pass some time.
I agree with points others have made about her not understanding that working is the operative word in WFH.

My elderly parents would be fully encouraging of a grand child wanting to crack on with school work - start as you mean to go on!

Lots of the same questions being asked and answered - has your MIL been asked WHY she turned up 2.5hrs early and expected everyone to drop everything?

Imagine you worked in an office and she arrived 2.5hrs early- would she have expected you to drop your work and come home early? What if you worked in a shop? Or worked shifts as a medic?

You did nothing wrong. Reply with something along the lines "sorry you feel that way, next time we'd appreciate you sticking to the time". Her feelings aren't your responsibility.

You, your husband and children are 100% not being unreasonable, your MIL is. If she'd have turned up when you asked her to literally none of this would be an issue.

She sounds a bloody nightmare OP. Turning up so early. Was it some sort of test? Tell her to grow up and stop acting like a petulant child.

Your mil shouldn't have arrived so early, presumably this was a mistake?

Your boys should have offered her refreshments - that's basic manners and you should have waited to walk the dogs. It's rude to do so when you have expected guests and regardless of her turning up early you finished work as planned so should have adjusted your dog walk to accommodate her.

I don't think you're interested in taking on board any constructive criticism here though.

YANBU at all and neither are the rest of your family. I can’t believe you’re getting a hard time on here TBH

I can’t wait to be a older woman as apparently it means I can be as entitled and rude as I want and everyone is obligated to fit in with me due to ‘culture’.

I wonder how many of ‘you were rude you should all have dropped everything to accommodate her turning up 2 hours early’ are the same people who think WFH = not real work.

She was told when to come and the reasons why and went home early in a sulk. That’s very much a her problem.

She was really rude to come at 12, but once it was 2:30pm, I definitely wouldn't have taken the dogs out in that time and I would have asked the kids to come down.

But I can see how you were already irked and didn't feel like making much effort after that.

I think you all made very little effort. You absolutely could have walked the dogs later.

I also agree with this. I think it’s mot great at all that a sixth former left his grandmother alone because he was so keen to do his homework on the first day back. To be honest, if he was mine I would have assumed it was an excuse because having so much work when you have only been there for half a day on the first day seems unlikely.

And someone should have woken up the other one. ‘Your grandmother has turned up early, you need to get up’.

Your MIL should not have come two hours early but she did and there were two people who could have spent some time with her but didn’t.

Why didn’t you both start earlier that day, knowing you could then have finished at 12 and had a proper afternoon with your husbands mum?

Some of these replies are very eye opening. Apparently when you get older you can be incredibly rude and turn up hours early despite being given a clear time and expect everyone to drop everything immediately. Who knew.

YANBU at all.

I’d write a very simple clear response.
’hi mum, I thought this was clear but since it’s clearly not, I’ll repeat it. We told you we were working until 2:30 and to come after then. You chose to come while we were working. We are unable to entertain you while we are working. If this upsets you, do not visit during our work hours. We enjoyed spending time with you yesterday, it’s a shame that you don’t seem to have had a nice time.’

I'd tell dh to reply with something like "I dont understand you turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. You knew we couldnt socialise as we had to work and when you arrived could see we were in meetings. Perhaps its best we move catchups to weekends only as this seems to have been upsetting for you"

She sounds like my mil a nightmare

You've done nothing wrong.
Explain that you had already told her that you're both working and she should come after 2.30. she chose to ignore that, that's on her.
Your kids don't need to change their plans just because she has decided to come over - I doubt they were the ones who invited her?

She’s mid 60s, not a frail 90 year old.

I’m afraid life and routine pays the bills and means we aren’t all always available.

My youngest did spend about 15 minutes chatting to her but wanted to get on with his work. She had been at out house for an hour when he came home so had ample opportunity to make herself a drink instead of sitting there waiting to be served. She could even have offered to make my son one who had been up since 6am and had a hard and nerve wracking first day. She knows he is anxious about college. I can’t imagine knowing that about my grandson in future and not being the one offering a little TLC after a hard day when she has nothing to do.

The OP has explained all this clearly in her posts.

I'm really amazed at how many people seem to be apologists for the MIL here.
The stuff about the boys should have got up/made her tea/not done homework... they're not little kids they are young adults who did not invite this guest themselves. They have no obligation to get up and formally entertain.

My granny used to just come in when we were all home from school, put the kettle on, sit with her tea in the kitchen, occasionally help my mum peel potatoes or whatever. We didn't specially go to her out of duty, if we went past we would talk because we loved her. If we were busy she would never guilt trip us.

You can't have closeness and formal respect at the same time, this MIL is wanting it both ways.

Do you think the people they were in meetings with should have rearranged their day too? And as MIL turned up 2.5 hours early should OP also be psychic and able to anticipate this?

😂 I hope I don’t turn into a nightmare mother and MIL when I get older.

If she had arrived early and just made herself a drink and watched some tv, read a book or sat in the garden, we’d have been fine with that. We want her to feel welcome but I think we need to have a talk about how busy we are and explain the kids have things on too. I shall get my husband to broach it with her.

Skimmed your updates but does she come often? If she’s not over much I can see how it seemed rude of your sons to stay upstairs. In her view the eldest was still in bed by 4pm it seems? Since she left at 5.30 and you said he came down for an hour or so. That does seem pretty crazy, even after a heavy night out. The youngest was rude I think. My DS has just started college too and he’s barely been set any work yet. He had a lot to do over summer so I guess that’s why. I’d have asked him to sit with Gran and do college work later.

Having said all of this, she wouldn’t have been so upset had she turned up when you asked. If you said you’d booked the afternoon off though, she might have taken that to mean you were off ALL afternoon. Yes you said the thing about meetings till 2.30 but maybe in her head she thought you’d still be about a bit to have a cup of tea, I don’t know. Does she understand the premise of WFH? Some people don’t think it means you’re chained to the laptop in virtual meetings.