MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Did you make the arrangements for her to come after 2.30 by text? If so, screenshot it and send it back to her.

Not unreasonable at all, it’s not like she didn’t know that you and husband have jobs.
Why did she decide to rock up 2 hours before she was expected? Does she lose the ability to boil a kettle once she crosses your threshold?
Easily solved in future though - if she wants to visit when you’re working just say no!

I think 6 of one, half a dozen of another.
She shouldn’t have turned up early. That’s basic. You weren’t free until 2.30 which she knew. That’s on her and she should be reminded of that. your work over running - can’t be helped although if I’d taken annual leave I’d have been firm about leaving on time personally, because I think boundaries are important.
Your youngest could have stayed with his nan for longer, especially given she was early and you both were working. It would have been polite for him to make her a drink and hang around until one of you had finished and come down. It would have been nice to have stayed longer and done his work later but if he didn’t know what time she was leaving I can understand him not wanting to delay indefinitely. Your eldest presumably knew his Nan was visiting that afternoon and should have got out of bed. Even if he got in at 5am he would have had 6-7hours sleep by that point and he’s a student, he’s used to working in much less. I think staying in is room was rude. He should have stuck his head round the door and said “oh gosh you’re early Nan, let me shower and sort myself out and I’ll be down” and then spent some time with her. Walking the dogs depends on the dogs. If they’re going to mither because they’re walked at 4pm in the dot every day we’d take them out to save the agro but otherwise they could have waited. I think a lot could have been helped by communication - “mom are you staying for a while after dinner as we need to walk the dogs at some point, so just need to decide when is best?” - we always have conversations like that when people are visiting. But equally I don’t think leaving DH with his mom for 30mins is rude but I suppose added to the rest and I can see why she felt like an after thought squeezed in.
Mostly I’d get DH to point out that you’d both taken time off work to see her, but that she’d arrived 2 hours early and why was that? It threw everyone off their schedules and caused some confusion as everyone had expected her to arrive and then stay later to have more quality time together once the chores were done.

Honestly I think she was rude to arrive over 2 hours early. Has she said why she did that? Your youngest probably shut himself in his room because he sensed an atmosphere. My kids are like that. Usually when my mother visits. She’s another one who arrives hours earlier than we arrange and gets difficult when she’s told she’s come at a bad time.

She sounds annoying and up her own arse. She was the one who knew that you and your DH were both working but she still turned up earlier than agreed.

Your DH made her lunch and you invited her to stay for dinner but she refused.

Is this unusual behaviour from her or has she always been demanding and self-centred? If it is the latter, I would stop inviting her and let your DH visit her when he isn't working.

From her perspective, kids staying in their rooms may have been rude as she didnt know the reasons behind it. Do they get on with her? Does she have far to travel? Do you see her often? It can be frustrating especially when she might not see you as much as she likes, but you both work and kids are much older. My Ex-MIL would always make a big deal out of dropping in, I didnt mind especially as my own parents are stereotypical boomers, but it would become exhausting knowing if we didnt drop everything she would sulk about it for several weeks…But then I kind of understood her frustration especially as she had nobody else…Although for good reason she was generally a spiteful bitch…So, no I dont think from what you have said you were unreasonable, but her frustrations might also be reasonable…But equally not your problem to resolve.

I don’t think any of the other stuff would have bothered her as much if she had arrived at 2:30.

some people think when you wfh you are free to do what you want. She needs to understand it’s the same as arriving whikst you are in the office!

Your children could have done better.

"sorry you feel that way, that's why we told you not to come before 2.30"

YANBU and she was rude to turn up early and then expect everyone to drop everything and entertain her. She sounds like a PITA.

My thoughts exactly.

If she didn’t get the attention she wanted first time around, she’s coming back in for another go. Never reward a tantrum.

Sounds like someone who doesn't understand busy family life or thinks it should all stop for her. Turning up very early can be far ruder than being a little late.

Why did she want to visit on a working day, during your working hours ?

She wouldn't have turned up if you both had been working in an office in a town somewhere - would she ?

What was wrong with her visiting on a weekend day i.e. the previous day Sunday or waiting until Saturday ?

did she travel far.

I would never expect a teenager or older to want to see a visiting older relative - it's boring for them and besides the younger one had things to do.

If you both worked in ASDA or drove trains or were teachers in a school she wouldn't turn up to your place/s of work - would she ?

Time to set some boundaries - No sorry Mum we are both at work on Monday.

Why did you both book the afternoon off ? just for her to visit ? surely not.
did she travel miles from a distant town ?

tho booking the ' afternoon ' off should be from noon surely as it's in the word ' afternoon ' so from midday or 1pm and I suppose at a push 2pm.

She’s fallen into that mindset of people not really being at work when they wfh. She’s learnt the hard way.

However - you booked an afternoon off and didn’t finish until 3pm? Claim at least part of that leave off!

Your son who had the night out was hiding from her. He’d had loads of sleep but didn’t want to be stuck hosting his nan so left it until you guys were. I’m a bit sceptical about the homework that needed to be done so desperately aswell.

Whoever opened the door to her at 12pm probably could have afforded her the extra couple of minutes to make her a drink. Did you not drink or eat yourself between starting work and 3pm?

All in all, not your fault, she was attended to from the time you told her to be there. Your adult kids could have done better though.

Does she live far from you?
She was wrong to show up early and then complain.

But I can also understand her position. It was the wrong day for her to come, 2:30pm is late to start an afternoon visit if she wasn't planning to stay for dinner.

It would have been better to decline and reschedule to another day where everyone is a bit more available. Or invite her for dinner instead.

My youngest wanted to do his college work, so he asked how she was, chatted about college and then went to do his work. He came down to see her as soon as he was finished. My oldest have no idea she was here but she is saying he must have heard her arrive and so ignored her. He was asleep having drank a lot and would have slept through an earthquake! She said we should have woke him then and made him go and speak to her. When he got up and realised she was here, he chatted to her for the remaining time she was here. He also sorted out a problem she had with her phone for her.

I don’t think they could have done better.

‘Sorry you feel that way, but we did say to come at 2.30’.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Is your MIL one of those people that thinks WFH isn’t a real job? I used to have friends and family who knew I’d be working from home and would just decide to pop by for a coffee and a chat because I was home anyway. This was before Covid made WFH more of a thing, but even now people still struggle to wrap their head around the concept.

I had to be firm and let them know that just because I was home, didn’t mean I was available - I still had to work during my contracted hours and that the same as they wouldn’t just show up at an office, the same applies at home.

Your children aren’t the most polite imo, I can imagine if my mum turns up early to my home. I wfh I can step away for a few minutes to make her a cup of tea.

As children there is no way we would have stayed in our room whilst our grandmother sat downstairs twiddling her thumbs.

Then again I’m not British so maybe it’s a culture thing. In my culture what happened to your MIL is extremely rude and would never happen. Yes she came a couple of hours early and so?

Lots of questions,

My work are quite flexible but I often start work later and finish later to cross over with US colleagues. I had only started work at 10.30am so working til just before 3pm is only just over a half day. My husband does similar.

My son wasn’t hiding from her. He was sleeping off a very heavy night of drinking. He got in at 8am. You can be as skeptical as you like about the homework but my sons first day of sixth form was a big deal to him and he’s very anxious about keeping up so wanted to make sure it was done. He also had football training later so didn’t want to leave it and then realise it took longer than he thought.

My husband opened the door and was in the middle of a meeting. I was interviewing. Neither of us could have a chat or make tea at that time. We had breakfast at 10 so no, I only had water til 3pm.

This post makes the point best. The culture towards elder family members shown here is illustrative of a lot. Many other cultures are much more positive toward elder members

And so we were working, in meetings and interviewing. We can’t step out to entertain guests. My husband excused himself to quickly let MIL in but his colleague was waiting to continue their meeting.

I’ve explained about our children.

I’m not British either.

Let your DH deal with his people

I still think your children could have done better. British or not.