MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

In all honesty I wouldn't even bother encouraging him to discuss it with her. Realistically she won't take any notice of what he says, just like she didn't take any notice of the time he gave her or the fact you were both working. It will go in one ear and straight out the other.

I still can't get over how many posters are making all kinds of excuses for her though. It's wild to see the mental gymnastics at play to remove any blame when it's a situation of entirely her own making.

I think people on here are being far too critical. You said for her to turn up at 2.30pm when you’d both be free (or one of you at least). I would just explain to her that this is why you said 2.30pm.
Your son coming in and doing college work - fab! Long may it continue.
Your other son - he didn’t know she was there and well, he’s older - does he need to run down to Grandma the minute she’s there? He said hello.

MIL must live fairly close by to only pop in for a few hours so I would just say to her that this is why you said 2.30pm and that you’re sorry that she was unable to work the kettle in your home. There is no need to criticise every member of your family - this is family life which surely she appreciates. Perhaps it’s better if she doesn’t pop over on a weekday any more.

My Mum would’ve arrived, made herself a tea and a sandwich and cracked on with the ironing.

But it sounds like she’s a more formal guest. It’s not use you asking us if she’s unreasonable as she clearly thinks you were. And whether you go back to her and say well Mumsnet says blah blah it makes no difference. You’re always going to get anti MIL answers on here from posters who wouldn’t piss on their MIL if she was on fire.

It wouldn’t have hurt your eldest DS to get out of his pit and chat to his Gran would it? And could the college work have been postponed for a couple of hours?

But I find it difficult to believe that even though you and DH were WFH, you couldn’t have tagged teamed to ensure that his mum was looked after and not ignored.

I think you made a point of ignoring her out of chagrin that she was early.

Just curious what "stereotypical boomers" means?

Did you tell her you had booked a half day so she thought you would finish at 12 and everything that came after that made her feel like you were doing it deliberately?

'As you know we often work with the US so our half days didn't finish until 2.30 which is why we told you to come over then. It is lucky we were not in the office otherwise you would have been sitting on the doorstep'.

It also sounds like she hasn't quite got her head round the boys being older now and having their own lives, I don't think there is any point even acknowledging a lot of her complaints.

Don't worry about it. None of you needed to do any better, MIL did.

It’s the perception of wfh isn’t it. She wouldn’t have been bothered about your children popping in and out of conversations if she’d had you two to talk at.

Does she get wfh? That from a focus pov, its the same as being in an office? I have had older friends who’ve needed to be educated on this. They just assume it’s doing some work on a laptop during the day, fitting it round your life but not needing to prioritise it or keep to a meeting schedule.

Although I feel a little for MIL that she didn’t have the afternoon she thought she would, blaming that all on you and your family is unfair. She is being a bit childish sending that message. She wants you to feel bad for her upset and I think that’s a very immature response. I wouldn’t be apologising but would take a conciliatory approach along the lines ‘Well, that didn’t work out so well this time, so what can we all do next time to make sure we get a chance to spend quality time together?’

Out of interest who chose the day of the visit? If mil invited herself on a weekday she can expect to fit into family life. If you invited her then, she was right to assume you all had time for her.

However, obviously turning up 2 hours early is ridiculous either way. After all, ds2 would have had time to do his work at 1 if she'd come when you said ! And outside of special occasions / meals I'd say the 'in law' not spending every second with the parent is pretty normal in our family. My bils and dh wouldn't think twice about doing a half hour dog walk / work call/ bit of DIY/ shopping while their wives chatted to their own parent, as long as they stopped to say hello to them too. Although reflecting on it I'd probably be very apologetic to mil if I needed to, but that's a gendered people pleasing thing!

There's probably an aspect of getting used to grandchildren growing up and doing their own thing too. She assumed if you said 'we'd' be free in the afternoon that would mean all of you, whereas you meant you and Dh maybe. We are obviously lucky with my parents who understand teen dd has her own life now. But that's on her being unrealistic. The only thing I would say is if the visit was planned enough to take leave for, you could have texted you'd ds1 so he'd know it was happening! If 8 was him I'd certainly prefer to know there would be visitors when I got up.

But generally she is being very unreasonable so stand your ground, she was early, you have a busy life. Perhaps say if she wants a more formal visit with everyone there the whole time it will unfortunately need to be less often with 4 (almost) adults to plan round, so you didn't think she'd mind more casual catch ups with people in and out.

MIL is a fool. Who turns up over 2 hours early to a busy house on a Monday and expects everything just to be dropped for them? She must think she's royalty.

I find it hard to believe your youngest had over 3 hours worth of homework in their first day 🤔. You said they arrived home at 1pm and then didn’t appear till 30 mins before she left….

Some of these replies are ridiculous!!!

I wouldn’t even question yourself Op. just reply “as we said before, come round any time after 2:30pm as we were working until then”. End of discussion!!

YANBU except, that since you over ran work wise, I'd have asked have asked one of the children to walk the dogs. I'd also not agree to a meet up on a work day.

Doesn’t matter who invited her. She was told to come AFTER 2:30pm.

I dont think you are unreasonable. You gave a time and 2. 5 hours early is very early.

Your husbands mum should feel comfortable to make her own drink and not be offered like a guest. But I know some DIL feel that is over familiar and would crititse that, so maybe she was worried about overstepping, to give her the benefit of the doubt on that.

The only thing I wondered is does she drive or rely on public transport? as that can make getting somewhere at a specific time hard or staying later hard. But in that instance she shoukd communicate in advance that its a grest idea but due to transport can she arrive early or whatever.

My parents are like this and it’s so annoying. I have stopped arranging things with them during the week as they can’t respect boundaries. They always arrive early and act like needy children.

In British culture it is shockingly, unheard of rude for a guest to turn up 2.5 hours early. Unless they are very close friends or family used to fitting in with life, in which case it's considered really rude to sit there with two arms the wan length expecting to be waited on. Did she really sit there pitifully not sticking on the kettle that is within sight or not fetching herself a glass of water for two hours just to prove a point? How pathetic. My MIL would've probably had a cake baked in that time, encouraged the college-working one, said "ah the folly of youth" about the brutally hungover one, and asked me about the interviews when I came down and would have offered to come on the dog walk. She's 82, English, and not completely wet.

My son has had a short starter lesson for each of his 4 A levels yesterday morning and they’ve all set pre reading and questions. He had summer work as well. He wanted to get it done as he was anxious about it and had footy training later on. All colleges are different in how they work I suppose. We were working so couldn’t ask him to sit with her anyway but I don’t think it’s a bad thing that he wanted to make sure his work was complete I’m good time. She could have been more understanding of that.

Oldest was very drunk when he got home so I’m not surprised he slept til late. He had no idea she was here til he came downstairs. He still felt tired and hungover but spent time with his nan, fixed her phone and was polite as usual.

We were clear in telling her we wouldn’t be free til after 2.30. We told her to come after 2.30. She doesn’t seem to understand wfh. We have explained it many times.

I see the point about the sixth former could have chatted to her and then done his work instead of doing his work and then chatting to her.

But the reality is, you let her know when she was welcome and she ignored that. Which was, to be frank, bloody rude of her. And that's probably what 'd be telling her in response to her whine. Not in quite those words, but in essence that's what I'd be saying. I'd probably suggest DH message back something along the lines of "Why do you think we asked invited you round at 2:30 not [what ever time she did turn up]? We don't want to be rude or waste your time mum, hence the invitation for a time we could make you a drink and enjoy spending time together."

My DP do this and it drives me mad. Asked them to come round after DDs nap, they arrive 2 hours early just as I'd got her to sleep. Asked them for lunch at 12, they arrived at 10 when I was in the middle of a chat with the blinds salesperson about new blinds we wanted. Arranged to meet at the garden centre for a coffee at 3pm, half 1 get a call asking where we were. They turn up hours early for drs & hospital appointments. I've actually checked all their clocks to make sure they're not on the wrong time.

Anyway she was rude to arrive early and has no right to comment on how everyone behaved.

Does your MIL live locally - or did she travel a long way to visit you ? How often do you see her?
i wonder if she’d got mixed up with the time- and it wasn’t stated clearly enough?
Is she single - a widower?
she sounds a bit lonely !

I don’t think any of you were unreasonable. I actually think it’s really rude to turn up unannounced and expect other people to drop their plans to accommodate you. When she complained that no one was here did you or your DH bring up that she came 2 hours early? I’m wondering whether there was some sort of mix up and she thought you said 12.30? If not she’s being ridiculous

I’m a dreaded MIL and I wouldn’t dream of behaving like her.you did nothing wrong she was rude. I would expect a telling off from my son if I did this!

DB and I found ways to deal with DF arriving early - but he was never that early!

I would push back hard on this - you said 2.30 for a reason. She completely ignored that, which is rude.

Have you clearly replied “MIL we agreed a time of 2.30pm, why did you arrive at 12?”