MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

My oldest didn’t know she was here so couldn’t have done better.

My youngest could have put off his work til later but I’ve explained why he didn’t want to do that and I’m proud of him for taking college seriously as he’s been so anxious about it. I think MIL should have understood it was his first day, he’d been nervous and wanted to get the work done asap. She also knew he had football training later so he had a window to get the work done in.

Yep. No matter how hungover my DS would get himself out of bed to sit with his grandparents who had come to visit. The other DS would have put off his homework until the afternoon. Your DS are BU.

Why didn't you tell your oldest? It's a two minutes info to deliver.
Your youngst could have done the homework later. Very convenient.

Re your eldest. Bang on his door. Offer toast ( or even better a bacon sandwich). Works a treat. Been there done that.

MIL has never worked. She has previously expected us to drop everything to take her places because we are at home, completely ignoring the working part. It’s frustrating.

I think you could have walked the dogs later as a one off. The rest, yanbu

But personally, I probably would have woken DC up and also made a quick cup of tea

I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I can't stand people who turn up early trying to push their own agenda. She could have stayed later with you and had dinner but chose not to.
I don't think any of you did anything wrong.
I think she's been very rude.
Has she a record of being like this cos I wouldn't be bothering again. Older/adult kids don't have to act like children who need parental supervision when someone calls at your house it's not the 1950s.
Let husband sort it out. I wouldn't be putting myself out (wasting an afternoon off on her) again.💐

Your MiL was unreasonable in turning up early & being expected to be entertained and she's ridiculous in having sent the message she did. She was given a time, which she ignored, so it's her fault.

Don't apologise to her, just remind her of the agreed arrival time, and don't get any further involved.

I agree with others, it was unreasonable for her to turn up so early and then expect to be entertained/ hosted. And then she cut her nose off to spite her face by leaving at 5.30 when you were actually available to spend time with her!

your dh should message and say, “ that’s fine probably best not to arrange catch ups on work days going forward”

Did you invite her for lunch? Or tell her you'd booked half days. as I'd be turning up way before 2.30pm if so! Sounds more like you gave her a time though so thats on her.

As she was only stayed a few hours she can't have made a huge journey, so I'm not sure why the need for booking half days. That does sound like you'd be dedicating time to her so maybe she felt it was more of a focused visit. Prehaps it was a bad day to you as a family to choose for this.

If you didn't start work until 10 then you could have walked the dogs earlier, that part could definitely be improved.

I think he should be allowed to sleep. He has worked 60 hours a week most weeks over the summer and had a night out to say goodbye to his workmates.

If someone banged on the door when I had only had a few hours sleep, they wouldn’t get a nice reply.

And we were working so no time to make him food anyway!

Regardless of all of this reasoning, she's an older lady and I'd never ever have treated my grandmother like that.

Theres life and routine etc but then there's family and older family members, and having a bit of give & patience in life.

This forum does not represent the majority of the population, people are very harsh and black and white on here.

In reality, it wouldn't have killed your child to make her a cup of tea and spend 30 mins with her. I can see why she didn't understand and feels upset.

She is being unreasonable. She knew you were working until 2.30pm, she could make her own drink.

So you started work late, which meant you then couldn't assert the boundary of finishing for the time you'd booked off.

Even though you started work late, you didn't walk your dogs in the morning and this had to be done in the couple of hours you had available to spend with your MiL.

Your son had to do his college work in the afternoon when she was there because he had football training in the evening so both were prioritised over spending time with this nan.

Your other son had been out drinking until 8am. That's one helluva session.

This isn't hosting. Instead, it's sending a very clear message that someone isn't a priority in any way at all. I'd say message received.

To the people who think OP is unreasonable….

Would it be acceptable for a MIL to come to your work, for you to drop whatever you’re doing, to greet her and make her a drink?

No. So why should she or her husband be expected to here?

Why did she come two hours early? Until she explains her rudeness in arriving when you had told her you were busy, she hasn’t got a leg to stand on regarding any “rudeness” on your part during those two hours.

I agree on not rewarding the tantrum. I wonder if she expected you to drop things for her rather than DH - my inlaws do not really understand women can have jobs outside the house so feel it is very rude if you don't drop everything to wait on them.

I would stand firm. Explain that's why she shouldn't have been early. Otherwise it'll creep and you'll end up with her turning up at 10am sitting in your kitchen demanding an audience all day.

We told her to come ‘after 2.30pm’ as we were working til then.

Half days were booked for yesterday as we both have leave to use up but my husband needed to be in for a few meetings and I was needed for interviews. We have booked half days all this week to use the leave but we are needed for some of the day each day.

We had walked the dogs at 9am but they have 3 walks a day if they’re only short walks. I like the exercise too.

Why did she come 2 hours early? Why did she come on a work day? My MIL is old school polish, never worked a traditional iob and has done this many times. She just shows up and expects every single person to drop everything and do exactly what she says and fawn over her. I am polite but I no longer entertain her selfishness. My kids and I are human beings with lives, thoughts, hopes, tasks. She never asks us about us and just goes on about herself. My parent ask what time suits and try and find activities, times, days that suit me, my husband and all my kids and my parents. Its not perfect but they key is consideration for other people of which my MIL has zero.

You are 100% NOT unreasonable. I speak as an older woman, a mother in law several times over myself.

She’s family and should have looked after herself if she came earlier than arranged. She knows where drinks and snacks are kept. This is entirely on her. And no, college grandson should be prioritising his work and sleeping student grandson didn’t ask his grandmother to come early so why should he be the one who has to change his plans?

If this is a bit out of character for her, I’d gently ask her if everything is ok - she’s obviously upset about something but it may not actually be all about this one visit.

And I’d try to talk to her kindly but firmly about it. You need to make boundaries explicit here.

Finally, I’d say something like - I’m so sorry you felt bad about this as that’s the last thing we’d want when we love you very much. Let’s get better at communicating so this doesn’t happen again - Or something like that.

YANBU, but the DC should have seen her for longer. They could have gone back to bed/ done homework later. But otherwise, it sounds like a normal close family which includes your MiL but assumes she’s family and so can participate rather than stand on ceremony, IYSWIM

I think there’s a generation that just don’t get that being at home doesn’t mean you’re not necessarily free. And think you can just drop your work or whatever you’re doing. My in-laws do this. My husband invites them round, but then conveniently disappears when they arrive two hours early every time.

personally, I would leave this one to your DH to handle and otherwise not worry

I wouldn’t want my DGC to feel obliged to talk to me. Fine if they’ve got things they need to do, and a bonus if we get to spend some time together.

You’re not unreasonable at all!