MIL situation after she arrived early

[DrivingHomeToYou]

My MIL arranged to visit us yesterday. My husband and I both work from home but had booked the afternoon off so told her to come after 2.30pm so we would be finished with meetings.

She turned up at midday. We told her she’d have to entertain herself for a few hours as we were still working.

We have 2 children. Our youngest had his first day of sixth form yesterday and got home at about 1pm. He had a quick conversation with his nan but had been set work to do from college so wanted to get it done and went to his room. Our oldest was still in bed. He is going back to uni next week so had done his last shift at work and went out afterwards with workmates, not getting home til early this morning.

My husband finished work just before 2.30pm so made his mum some lunch. I joined them just before 3pm as a meeting had ran over. We had what we thought was a pleasant afternoon catching up and I walked our 2 dogs for 30 minutes together rather than separately like I usually do, to have more time with MIL. We asked if she wanted to stay for dinner but she said no and left at about 5.30pm

She has sent us a message tonight to say she was annoyed that she had bothered making the effort to come and see us when no one could be bothered to make an effort. My husband asked her what she meant and she said it was over 2 hours before anyone made her a drink, I was late joining them and the kids were rude by staying in their rooms. She also moaned because I was gone for 30 minutes walking our dogs.

How would you respond? She turned up 2.5 hours earlier than we said to knowing we were working. We told her to help herself to anything she fancied and she knows where the tea, coffee, cold drinks, biscuits etc are and we had to work. It’s my husbands mum and he was with her from just before 2.30 which is when we said to arrive from. I joined them as soon as I could. My youngest has been anxious about college so wanted to make sure he completed the work set and I wasn’t going to wake up my oldest when he had only had a few hours of sleep. He did get up and see her for an hour before she left and my youngest came down for about half an hour once he had completed his college work. I walked the dogs as they needed a walk. My husband would have come with me but as MIL didn’t want to go out, he stayed with her. She thinks I should have finished work on time for a visitor, the dogs could have been walked when she was gone, youngest could have done his work later and our oldest should have been made to get up and talk to her when she arrived.

Do you think we did anything wrong? Were we unreasonable?

Your MIL was rude. The only thing I would have expected my child to do was checking that she had a drink and would offer her a snack or lunch if she would make herself something before then doing school work.

My mum doesn't get the wfh situation either, I don't bother telling her when I am at home or in the office, I may take her phone call if I am not in meetings but that's it.

It's not on your children to keep her entertained - she was early. And, having been told you were both working, incredibly rude and entitled to both turn up over 2 hours early and then complain at the lack of attention!

My husband mentioned to her that we both had leave to use up so we were booking half days this week. She suggested coming on Monday and he said that’s fine after 2.30 as we will be working til then. She does some hobbies on other days, always does her food shop on a Thursday, so Monday was the day that suited her. We said the kids might not be around as youngest child’s first days timings/timetable hadn't been confirmed then and we never know when oldest is going to be here, but she was welcome to come and see us after 2.30 and have lunch and dinner. Our dogs need their walks. They were already confused about being walked together which I did to be away less time. They were walked later on as well. They expect certain standards. 😂

And so, if she’d respected the fact that she was asked to arrive after 2.30pm there wouldn’t have been a problem. She found out the hard way that WFH is the same as being at the office.

My child has started alevels and is exactly the same as yours. Has extra curricular activities and so wants to get the homework done. They have had a big speech about how much work there is and not to get behind. There is summer work but it wasn’t clear that it wasn’t optional so no one has done it.
None of your family did anything wrong IMO.
I work from home & can’t just drop things to make a drink for someone.

You can be as reasonable as you like and explain the facts. Sadly, you’re wasting your time. If you were in an external office, there is no way you would wander off in the middle of an interview or a meeting because your mum had arrived. People do not understand working from home. I used to work part-time in school and part-time, in the afternoon, as a bookkeeper. The school used to regularly arrange meetings and courses for the afternoon or early evening. I couldn’t attend, because I was working for someone else, from home. If I had been working in Tesco’s, they wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on. I was working from home, for my brother‘s business, therefore I could just bugger off anytime I felt like it. I did it a few times, but then said no. They were aghast 🙂

You didn’t do a thing wrong, or your children! They interacted with her. Just reply with what you’ve said here. She just has a completely different view but she sounds high maintenance.

A mid 60s woman who must have known you over 20 years still expecting to be hosted like a first time visitor is ridiculous.

She should've been apologising for arriving at an inconvenient time, made her own tea and stayed out of the way until you were available. Ideally, she would have walked the dogs, assuming they are well behaved. Instead she is sulking like a child.

I have been through this with my MIL who didn't 'get' WFH which I have done for about 12 years. My study is downstairs and she was forever wandering in for a chat when she visited (usually a week at a time, so not a case of being able to just take time off every time). After a couple of blunt conversations from my husband, she has learned. Now, she makes her own tea and one for anyone else in the house, hands it to me at my desk and goes back to another room.

Posts like this make me so grateful for my own mother. She would make tea for herself, me and DH, and any kids in the house, rather than waiting around to be waited on. She would be glad to see her grandson getting on with his school work (my DS is not renowned for his enthusiasm with school work tbh). Your MIL sounds like an entitled princess and was really rude to turn up over two hours early. I'd probably reply and say 'we asked you to come after 2.30 and you arrived at midday'. That's it. Don't engage with the rest of the nonsense about your sons.

She maybe thought 2.30pm was a typo for 12.30pm or misread it - particularly as you mentioned coming for lunch? 2.30pm is very late for lunch. Just a thought.

Sounds like you had a lot going on this particular day. Would have just cancelled it.

We don’t know any history. Maybe they don’t like Grandma very much. Indeed, if her behaviour is indicative of how she normally reacts, I don’t blame them.

Before 2 .30 she was unreasonable to expect attention from you and your husband. The son that arrived home at 1 could have done better. After 2.30 you are unreasonable not to focus on her. The dogs could have waited.None of you like her do you.

She is a grown woman , she doesn’t need babysitting - she just needs to arrive on time.
I would be pointing out that she caused this by coming early and if she is upset she shouldn’t come round again.

there is a lot of talk on here about ds doing better. Nan came early! Why do they have to put off what they are doing to accommodate her poor planning.

She's being totally unreasonable then, sounds like you were very clear. And if she's seeing the kids on the weekend they dint need to make a massive effort midweek in my view.

OP has said that she was interviewing. Was she supposed to contact all the candidates to move the interviews so that she could finish at 12? Why didn't OP's MIL arrive at 2.30 pm as originally agreed? She sounds entitled and annoying. OP has said that she has never worked so doesn't understand that people can't just ditch prior work commitments.

Neither you nor your kids were unreasonable. MIL was 2 and a half hours early. She is in the wrong. You don't choose the time to visit someone you come at the time invited. I would just say to her you know she was on her own but that is why you said 2.30.

What part of interviewing in America don’t you understand? You can’t tell them their interviews at 4am just to suit your MILs desire to turn up 2 hours early

Although 2.30 is very late for lunch, particularly if invited to stay for dinner as well, so pp could be right maybe she could mistake it for 12.30, but even so, her mistake, not your fault . You say dh invited her for dinner as well in advance. Did she say then she wouldn't/ might not stay? If not it's pretty rude she flounced before dinner on the afternoon if you'd planned to cater for her.

Perfect answer. I agree with this.

Did you know she was going to leave so early? If she comes 20 miles and only sees you once a fortnight and spent two hours by herself and only three hours with company I can see how she might be a bit put out. Did she realise it was a firm 2:30 or did she take that as lunchtime? Probably more a misunderstanding than anything, the kids could have made more of an effort if they knew she was coming, I assume you would have told them.

In your culture, if MiL turned up at your door and you were working, you and DH would leave your jobs in the middle of whatever you were doing, abandon your meetings and the person you were interviewing, and entertain her? Which culture is this?

She sounds like my dad. He thinks working from home means you are not working because that is what the Daily Mail and GB News tells him. She was the rude on expecting everyone to drop everything for her.

Edited to add - your children are old enough now to accommodate their gran a bit more. They’re not babies. Your oldest should have got out of bed and your youngest could have done his homework later.

She's saying the children would have stepped up if the parents were busy, which mine would have done too.

Two thirty does not sounds remotely like half twelve.

OP she is totally in the wrong here.

But you or your husband need to tell her that the lads have lives, you both have work, the dogs need to have regular walks and she needs to stick to agreed schedules if she doesn't want to cause her own distress.

how far away does she live and how often do you all see each other?

i suspect there is a miscommunication in that; when arranging the visit, your MIL expected to see her grandsons. So DSs should have been made aware (even, involved in scheduling) and made more of an effort.

could she not have gone with you on the dog walk?

before 2.30pm is on her. I can't imagine my mum sitting in my house for 2 hours and wanting a drink but not making herself one.