AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

[Bronzeacorn]

This might be perimenopausal rage so just need you ladies to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
Every morning I get up before my DD, I pack her lunch and schoolbag, make her breakfast, feed the dog, log on to work,make sure she gets out of bed on time and washes face/brushes teeth/gets dressed then I sit at the table with her chatting to her and simultaneously working on my laptop while she eats breakfast.

My DH usually works weekends so hes off during the week but he gets up 20 mins after DD (1hr 20mins after me) and barely says hello. He goes and sits in the living room and has his coffee alone, then after me and DD have usually had a pretty calm nice morning he will emerge from his solitude to start angrily rushing DD as he is the one who walks her to school.
Today my mum very kindly called during the morning and took a basket of our laundry to do as our washing machine packed up, it was a very kind offer from her so i was very grateful but DH barely said hello to her and didn't come into the kitchen at all while my mum sat and had coffee with me and DD.

I know I'm kind of being a martyr listing all the things I do but like I don't even care that I do everything if he wasn't so bloody rude.
Hes going through ND diagnosis so perhaps that's a factor but still AIBU to be annoyed about his rudeness?

But isn't that kind of selfish then? To prioritise your own feelings about missing her ahead of her having an overall happier and less stressful life.

I agree with this.

My OH can be a moody git. I grew up in a family where everyone had a cheery “good morning darling, how did you sleep?” sort of chat in the morning and I ABSOLUTELY hated that he would grunt and not talk in the morning like a teenager. At some point I told him outright that I didn’t think that was normal and I didn’t want our DD growing up like that so he needed to sort it out. He is never going to be a cheerful morning person but he does at least say morning now and make me a cuppa.

Exactly. Especially not the people you’re supposed to love the most in the world.

For the people saying he’s just not a morning person. The difference here is HE GETS A CHOICE NOT TO BE. As usual, mum doesn’t. Who the fuck is a morning person, really? Nobody wants to get up, immediately start cleaning, making lunches, taking care of everybody else’s personal hygiene issues while probably still busting for your own morning wee. But as mother and obviously primary caregiver, you have to get the bloody hell on with it as it has to be done. And you don’t stop around being moody about it because your child doesn’t deserve to have their mornings going off to school with parents in shitty moods. I bet when op is poorly she still gets up and does the stuff that has to be done. So why does husband get to wake up late, have the morning to himself every single morning? There is a difference between not being a morning person “and just needing a minute and a sip of coffee” and getting up nearly an hour and a half after your significant other, not lifting a finger in any parenting duties nor even acknowledging your family (whom you are meant to love) until you are ready to walk out the door. Why do you put up with it? If he’s nd then just tell him straight what pisses you off and what needs to change. Don’t give any room for him to misinterpret. Don’t hint at the problem. Just say it how it is.

Doesn't sound like he'd push for any custody. She doesn't have to stay overnight. He could have her for a couple of evenings or daytime on the weekend.
You're both miserable and that makes your daughter miserable. How do I know? Because I've been in your position. I have a 5 year old DD and I just would not put up with him making us miserable any longer. You know what to do. Trust me.

You’re being unreasonable, some people just aren’t good in the morning, me included, I’m assuming he’s always been like this and it’s not a sudden change of behaviour, leave the poor bloke alone.

Did you ask him to make the coffees? I understand you shouldn't have to, but evidently you do in your situation. I find the more you do the less he'll do.

Sorry to hear that OP, it does sound really difficult. I just don't understand why someone like him ever thought he was the marrying type 🤷🏻‍♂️

Can you start quiet quitting and preparing to leave in a few years or when you can face it? I know you have said you can't bear to be separated from your daughter and I can completely understand that, truly. But it's that thing- would you want this marriage for her? As role modeling staying normalises this as ok for her unfortunately.

Being an ND person myself, I can relate to your husband. I need to drink my coffee in peace in the morning while I come round and any visitors during that time, I hide from.

I’m sure my behaviour is rude and awful but I can’t help it. It has to be that way or it messes me up.

I’m not angry with my family during it though. My husband brings me coffee in bed while I wait for my painkillers to kick in. I only come out when I know I can begin to function.

Well would the reasonable thing to do in that situation be for YOU to be the one getting up an hour earlier so that you can be less rude to your loved ones and have come round by the time they get up?

Has he always been like this in the morning?

Either way, sounds like the issue is much broader than this. An unhappy marriage on both sides.

Or people can just respect that not everyone wants to chat in the morning?

I am similar to PP in that I'm ND and need that first hour to get myself sorted in my head for the day ahead - if someone suggested I got an hour less sleep to accommodate their desire to natter on at me, they'd get pretty short shrift.

So what would happen if you were a single parent with kids to get out the door in the morning?... the children would have to go out to school every morning without chatting, even if something was making them anxious at school forced to sit in silence eating their breakfast while grumpy mum drinks her coffee because "she's not a morning person".... its just such a cop out. Get up earlier and be a human when you are part of a family especially young children who deserve connection whether you want to or not.

I can't believe how many people think that are saying "I'm not a morning person" as an excuse for bad fucking manners!! The lady, his MIL, is doing him and his family a favour. She could have come round later but he didn't want to answer the door to her. He's grunted at her to say hello and walked off! He is vile!

I agree with you OP. I am also ND, and not a morning person (I used to sleep in until noon), but now I have kids so I get up early every day and I still manage to be nice to them and DH. Being ND is not an excuse for grumpiness and being tired is not an excuse for grumpiness. In fact, I don't think there's ever an excuse for grumpiness really. Just be pleasant, and if you have a problem with something communicate it in a polite and mature way.

Well, I can't answer that - I don't have kids precisely because I know I wouldn't be able to cope with them.

I do, however, think there's a difference between being rude and just not wanting to talk in the morning - it's okay to be the latter, whether you have kids or not.

Ok has he always been like this?

Either way… you clearly despise him and he seems to feel the same way.

This is no way for anyone to live.

He’s rude.

I am so surprised at people excusing him for not being a ‘morning person’.

None of these ‘not a morning person’ people would have any problem being sociable in the morning if they were getting something they really wanted.

Sometimes you just have to make yourself do things, and that includes being with your 6 year old child and being decent and polite to your mother in law. We live in a very self-indulgent society.

so when your dh brings you your coffee, do you ignore him, refuse to thank him?

Good question! @Kazzybingbong ?

It's not OK to not talk in the morning when you have a child who wants to talk.... no child should be forced to sit in silence because their parent prioritises their own needs over the needs of their child. None of us bounce out of bed in great form but we shake it off and put on a smile and sunny dispsition so that our kids feel loved and happy heading out for a day in school. You did the right thing not having kids it definitely doesn't sound like it would suit you.

Why don’t you want to answer if he’s always been like this or recent development @Bronzeacorn ?

Yep, I absolutely know it wouldn't suit me, don't worry. Being a parent sounds absolutely horrendous to me.

I still think you're focusing on all the wrong things here. You clearly despise your DH yet you also refuse to leave him so this entire thread seems a bit pointless.