AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

[Bronzeacorn]

This might be perimenopausal rage so just need you ladies to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
Every morning I get up before my DD, I pack her lunch and schoolbag, make her breakfast, feed the dog, log on to work,make sure she gets out of bed on time and washes face/brushes teeth/gets dressed then I sit at the table with her chatting to her and simultaneously working on my laptop while she eats breakfast.

My DH usually works weekends so hes off during the week but he gets up 20 mins after DD (1hr 20mins after me) and barely says hello. He goes and sits in the living room and has his coffee alone, then after me and DD have usually had a pretty calm nice morning he will emerge from his solitude to start angrily rushing DD as he is the one who walks her to school.
Today my mum very kindly called during the morning and took a basket of our laundry to do as our washing machine packed up, it was a very kind offer from her so i was very grateful but DH barely said hello to her and didn't come into the kitchen at all while my mum sat and had coffee with me and DD.

I know I'm kind of being a martyr listing all the things I do but like I don't even care that I do everything if he wasn't so bloody rude.
Hes going through ND diagnosis so perhaps that's a factor but still AIBU to be annoyed about his rudeness?

But what if he pushed for 50/50? It's such a risk when she's so small.

Please do not allow him to use ND as an excuse to be a rude cunt!!! It’s NOT!

You need proper legal advice about this.

Start documenting or even recording instances of when he does this.
Document previous incidences.

Which part? The husband needing time to come around in the morning or attention seeking adults wanting to be nd?

Can you really see him doing that, when he currently does so little? A lot of men threaten going for 50/50 when they reality is they're happy with the 'freedom' of EOW, or less.

And why is it a risk? Do you have safeguarding concerns about him? If that's the case you should be leaving him and raising those concerns with the relevant people.

He isn’t in an office. He’s at home. Having said that, a good morning before going to have coffee alone is more reasonable and certainly he should not be taking it out on the DD rushing her like that.
Sounds as though he has checked out. You say you aren’t happily married. Sounds as though he isn’t either. He’s just marking time , maybe he’s making plans to go. Life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage and I’d certainly be investigating my options.

I think I could cope with his sitting apart quietly but be very strong about him not chivvying your daughter along and changing the peace of HER morning. Similarly he could train himself to say hello to MIL “Hello X, thanks for helping” back to sit and stare time.

I’d ask him to give others the consideration you give him (as above)

No safeguarding risk he would never harm her or me.
i just mean for me to leave the marriage there's the possibility that he could want/could get shared custody I'm risking that I may not have DD with me 50%/30%/20% of the time that's not a risk I'm willing to take. Maybe when she is older and has a phone but not now

I would not want someone coming round first thing to collect washing. I would have asked her to come after 10. I’d rather go to a laundrette or drop it off at her house than have a pre 9am visitor. All this morning chattiness sounds too much for me. He wasn’t rude to your mother he just stayed in another room whilst you had a presumably prearranged chat with her

I agree with everyone that this is the wrong issue but can see why you’re focussing on it with all the other stuff going on. But you were with your mum, no need for any interaction from him. Everything else though is shit. I wouldn’t want to see any visitors after I’d just got up and no ND here

My mum knows me and my partner so she knows if she calls before 8am I’m a grunting mess and after 9pm he’s good for nothing! You should work out how he can stop shouting in the morning, that’s not acceptable on a routine basis. But let him be otherwise, sounds like you and your daughter have a fine routine.

He asked me to get her to call early because he didn't want to answer the door! He wanted me to be there and after 9 I am on work calls so he'd have to deal with her himself.
He could have taken the clothes to the launderette himself but he chose not to do that. So it was either I take my mum up on her offer or I figure out a way to do it myself when I'm working all day and train my DDS sports team at 6.
He was rude he grunted when she said a hello to him and otherwise stayed in the room next door.

Oh so much calmness and then a suddenly the sound of a pots and pans smashing. As in our household. Where's the joy and fun? Personally i would get a empty pan and smash the lid behind him. Might jolt and give him a body reset.

I am no morning person at all but I do think its rude to just grunt at people or ignore them. Especially when they have specifically come to your house to do you a favour.
My morning grumpiness is my issue, not everyone else’s and I do make the effort to at least smile, talk politely to the other people in my home and at least fake the pleasantry 😂
Reading your later posts OP I really feel for you 😞

Are there some bits of preparation that you could pass to him (packing lunch and the school bag, laying out uniform) which wouldn't involve him in too much interaction? You can still have a nice chatty breakfast with DD but he gets up a bit earlier and contributes. If his grumpiness is time-limited he might get it out of his system. Your DD will also be able to do more for herself as she gets older and she should be responsible for her own things, dressing etc.

So he asked you to ask her to call early so he didn’t have to chat to her yet you still expected him to chat to her?

He said he didn't want to deal with her "by himself" that would suggest both of us could be there and he could at least make a coffee for her considering I'm trying to work and simultaneously braid my DDs hair.

I’m sorry but all the ‘not a morning person’ stuff is just ridiculous. It’s called being an adult and having manners.

He sounds like an absolute arse op. How he is treating your daughter especially is not ok but he isn't going to change until you leave (or if he is ND, gets a diagnosis and medicated) and as you have said you won't leave then you will just need to find a way to deal with him but more importantly you need to find a way to protect your daughter from his behaviour, just because he isn't harming her physically, he is still doing plenty of emotional damage and it isn't fair for her.

In this instance I wouldn't be including his laundry for your mother to kindly do.
He's a rude pig.
Let him use the laundrette.
OP, you have tolerated far too much already from him.

I'm getting mixed messages.
YANBU at all. If he's ND then he's unlikely to change, especially as you say he's been increasingly grumpy over the years.
However.... the almost panicked way you describe how you couldn't let your child stay overnight with him if you split up is speaking to me more loudly than your original post.
You say your daughter doesn't like getting up with him because he's so miserable- totally understandable and fair enough. But you also complain he does nothing.
Going to stick my neck out her me and surmise that you've fallen out of love with him and aren't happy.
If your daughter really doesn't like to be around him she's unlikely to want to stay overnight, and neither would she have to.
So what next? Another 10 years of this, or being pro active and moving forward? Is this situation fair on any of you?
If you really are this far apart from each other and therapy won't help, what is it you want? And how are you going to get there?

Exactly! People lose so much goodwill by being rude and dismissive. No one has an automatic right to anyone's time but good manners aren't optional because they're an expression of basic respect for others.

He juat sounds like a gromp f*** in the mornings. Does he improve as the days wears on. Id be making a few comments to your DD saying "come on grumpy pants is in a rush"

I don’t like being up in the morning either just like yourself HOWEVER as adults we need to know what we can and can’t control. if it’s his responsibility to take DD to school he is old enough to get a grip and wake up early enough to be sociable!! Poor daughter must be on bloody egg shells with him the miserable toad lol!

Ok, so I understand you not wanting to be separated from your daughter, but growing up in a house with two miserable people is more damaging than growing up in two separate, happier households.

My sister has separated from her husband, and her children are thriving, they are calmer and more secure than they ever were, and my sister and her husband barely argued.

Children pick up and are sensitive to vibes and atmosphere. Your daughter will be picking up on this, and also learning that having a partner who barely interacts with her is completely ok. How you and your husband treat each other is what is normalised for your daughter and what she will accept when she is older.

Another situation I've just remembered is how angry my best friend was when her parents split up. She was angry because they had waited until she was 16 and could "handle it". She felt completely betrayed.