AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

[Bronzeacorn]

This might be perimenopausal rage so just need you ladies to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
Every morning I get up before my DD, I pack her lunch and schoolbag, make her breakfast, feed the dog, log on to work,make sure she gets out of bed on time and washes face/brushes teeth/gets dressed then I sit at the table with her chatting to her and simultaneously working on my laptop while she eats breakfast.

My DH usually works weekends so hes off during the week but he gets up 20 mins after DD (1hr 20mins after me) and barely says hello. He goes and sits in the living room and has his coffee alone, then after me and DD have usually had a pretty calm nice morning he will emerge from his solitude to start angrily rushing DD as he is the one who walks her to school.
Today my mum very kindly called during the morning and took a basket of our laundry to do as our washing machine packed up, it was a very kind offer from her so i was very grateful but DH barely said hello to her and didn't come into the kitchen at all while my mum sat and had coffee with me and DD.

I know I'm kind of being a martyr listing all the things I do but like I don't even care that I do everything if he wasn't so bloody rude.
Hes going through ND diagnosis so perhaps that's a factor but still AIBU to be annoyed about his rudeness?

Sorry, I did not ask about tightness with money and neither did I ask if he 'would let you'. I asked if he had a good heart meaning - no words necessary, he has compassion and will do what is required in the hour of need, without being asked or prompted, no hesitation.

You're completely right - To half ignore anyone who comes into your home is fucking rude, especially if they are helping you out!

If you're happier without him then I don't understand why you stay with him. If he works weekends he's not likely to have that much time with DD, surely it's better to have an amazing life with her 80% of the time than a depressing life 100% of the time.

No he wouldn't do anything unprompted. He has compassion but is a default "no" in almost any situation so I would need to talk him round in my hour of need.

How people behave is a choice. I'm often absolutely exhausted by the evening but I don't just decide that it means I can treat people like crap.

By 9 am I've had multiple cups of tea, breakfast, showered, commuted, I am fully awake.

Also you shouldn't have to maintain professional levels of courtesy at home, otherwise you'd never be totally honest with each other, have arguments etc

I think he's being too rude but that doesn't mean all of us who aren't morning people are faking it!

I agree with youOP and I am not a morning person at all but there are times when basic manners should be used .

If the DH needs an hour in the morning to not be a unbearable grump then surely the obvious solution is that he gets up when OP does? I'm not brilliant first thing in the morning, which is why I get up at a time that I am not leaving as soon as possible after waking.

YANBU
I am not a morning person. At all. I am grumpy and flustered and easily stressed out.
BUT I am also a mum. So I get up early, as does my DH, early enough that we can both help the kids get uniforms on, check bags, make them toast and packed lunches etc. before we go to work, and I slap on a smile every single day because my family doesn’t deserve my morning mood!!
If it was the other way around I’d expect the same from my DH, but he is an early bird!

Exactly this! And he can slump later if he needs to once everything is sorted.

Not an ND issue but a man issue. I'm ND and my day looks like yours.

My partner is like that. Though less so since I told him that he was ruining everyones morning acting like that.
I also got the kids (teens) to ignore him every morning for a week - as he got put out when they didnt say 'i love you' on leaving. And explained that if he keeps up being a dick, that the kids will probably chose to stop saying it themselves.

Mine does this a lot though, goes straight to abrasive. He grew up without a dad, and had a mum that was a complete sap who literally lived to serve and baby her babies. I had both parents who would ask - but explain WHY - then you had like 3 chances and then a glare - then you get yelled at.

OP, I think there is a middle ground for the moment.
You move out of the shared bedroom for whatever reason and you spend the next year or two looking after and thinking only of yourself.
Stop covering for him or including him in what you do with your daughter.
He is an utter misery and is dragging you down.
It's clear he doesn't enjoy being around you, so you will leave him to crack on.

Focus on your life, building your network of friends and supporters.

Look at your finances and siphon money to your mother so you have back up money to rent somewhere.

Get those ducks in a row.
He will notice, but just tell him he drags the house down with his rudeness and moods and you are no longer prepared to be around it.

I'd be more worried about him being unplesant to his dd every single morning, that would really grate on me and i'd make him put a stop to it.

He's not necessarily rude for not making a special effort to say hello, i'm not nd and i would struggle with that.

How would he have responded if your mother had gone into the livingroom to say hi? How would he have behaved if it were the evening, would he have popped out to say a quick hello & thanks?

If you do decide to confront him about his morning behaviour just pick one of these issues, don't hit him with both bc he will feel overwhelmed and got-at. Choose whether you want him to stop yelling at his daughter, or sitting on hus own, it's unreasonable to expect him to change both behaviours at once.

If it is one parent's job to get a child ready to leave for school, and a different parent's job to actually take them, then this is quite likely to lead to conflict.
But why is it your job to get her ready for school on a day when you are working and he is off work? That is madness.

Surely he needs to be doing 2/3 mornings a week, where he wakes up early and then sorts DD out before taking her to school.

So basically, if he works weekends, he does absolutely no morning parenting at all and has a lie in 5 days a week?

I know it is madness but DD HATES it when he gets up with her as he's grumpy and rushes her and she says he "ruins" her morning. One day a week he has to do it though as I'm in the office. I totally get where she's coming from. When I do it I get up in plenty of time, she can listen to a story on her yoto while she gets ready and has a nice giggle and chat while she eats breakfast whereas when DH does it he gets her up later so he's stressed and rushing and then gets angry at her when it's his fault and she ends up eating her toast on the walk/run to school

Just to add I still lay out her uniform make her lunch and pack her bag on the day I'm in the office he doesn't even need to do that but still ends up stressed

Sorry but it would irritate the shit out of me if MIL popped round early in the morning to pick up a load of washing. I'd much rather do the washing myself.

He could have done that but she offered to do it he didn't.

Again, would he even want that? He sounds so uninvolved! If you wanted sole custody and he just spent a day with her then gave her back, would he object to this arrangement? Hand on heart? Or would he be relieved to go back to his miserable grumpy routine? 🤔

Full disclosure, my mum didn't leave my dad when she should have, and I still harbor a lot of resentment about that. When I found out they "stayed together for the children" I was seething because I perceived it as being blamed for everyone being in that situation.

I'm a big girl now with my own children, but those scars run deep.

If my MIL turned up at 8am for a coffee and a chat I would be hiding upstairs. I love my MIL but I don’t want to chat to anyone in the morning.

I don't know i think he would definitely look to take her overnight at least once a week and its a risk that I'm not willing to take when she's still very young.
I'm not staying "for my DD" I'm staying for me because I don't want to seperated from DD.

She turned up at 8.45am to collect a basket of laundry that she was taking home to wash in her machine as a favour for us. I suppose i should have just thrown the basket of laundry at her and slammed the door in her face.

But she’s your mum, not his - there’s absolutely no reason he needs to come and thank her and have a chat when you’re right there and have already done it.

I'm not a morning person, but I choose to be polite.
'Good morning' never spoiled a morning, unless said to you by the enemy ☹️.
YANBU, OP.