AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

[Bronzeacorn]

This might be perimenopausal rage so just need you ladies to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
Every morning I get up before my DD, I pack her lunch and schoolbag, make her breakfast, feed the dog, log on to work,make sure she gets out of bed on time and washes face/brushes teeth/gets dressed then I sit at the table with her chatting to her and simultaneously working on my laptop while she eats breakfast.

My DH usually works weekends so hes off during the week but he gets up 20 mins after DD (1hr 20mins after me) and barely says hello. He goes and sits in the living room and has his coffee alone, then after me and DD have usually had a pretty calm nice morning he will emerge from his solitude to start angrily rushing DD as he is the one who walks her to school.
Today my mum very kindly called during the morning and took a basket of our laundry to do as our washing machine packed up, it was a very kind offer from her so i was very grateful but DH barely said hello to her and didn't come into the kitchen at all while my mum sat and had coffee with me and DD.

I know I'm kind of being a martyr listing all the things I do but like I don't even care that I do everything if he wasn't so bloody rude.
Hes going through ND diagnosis so perhaps that's a factor but still AIBU to be annoyed about his rudeness?

My beloved and much-missed dad and I were both morning people, both wide awake the minute we opened our eyes, my lovely mum was definitely not. She would get up, make breakfast and make sure I was ready for school but my dad and I knew not to try and engage her in any in-depth conversation before she had drunk her first couple of cups of tea and had time to wake up properly. Dad and I would happily chat away at the breakfast table and give her the peace she needed, nothing positive would have come from trying to coerce her to join in with morning chatter!
My wonderful husband also takes some time to properly wake up in the morning, so I take the early shift with our toddler and he takes over once he's properly awake and alert, which works fine for us.

My friend's dh has autism (diagnosed), and sounds exactly like this. He is a nice decent person overall but comes across rude. She has had to ask him to shout "Hi, I'm back" when comes home for example; there was one time he just appeared somewhere and nearby gave her a heart attack.
Another example is she has to list jobs because everything is "shortly" so she fell into the trap of just doing it her self because he wasn't proactive. On the other hand he gets angry for her listing jobs, but then tells her that she should have asked. What seems to work for her is to sit down and write a list of what jobs are hers, and what are his, and then leave the ones that are his. For example clearing the table has to be left, then eventually he'll do it. I suspect he has a form of demand avoidance as well tbh.

I think when your dh is away there is maybe no bad feeling there because he isn't sitting around miserable, and shirking domestic duties.

Is your dh isn't a morning person tell him to do the evenings instead. I am sorry if I missed it, but does he only work weekends, while you're working all week?

I’m not great first thing, I need 30 minutes before I talk to anyone, but that’s fine as I live alone. If I have guests or if I lived with others I know I’d have to make more effort. I think it’s selfish.

I’d be far more concerned about him being angry every morning. Would he have dd much if you split up since he does nothing to get her ready for school?

Agree

When he's away for a few days things are so much nicer me and DD have the best fun and I can have people over without him getting annoyed or being rude.

You know you could have this kind of life ALL THE TIME if you leave him..

No not again. Not another man saying its not my fault I have self diagnosed ND !! Its no excuse for being rude. Especially when he is fully aware of it and dislikes when others behave the exact same way.
I agree a full on chat early in the day can be to much for a lot of people. But he can just say good morning or how are you today . Then go about his day.

I am not a morning person!

If I had my way, I wouldn’t speak to anyone for at least an hour.

But I’m not rude!
I intentionally wake up early to allow me the luxury of waking up slowly but if I had to speak to someone then I would.

He’s rude and it’s nothing to do with his ‘ND’

But what I can’t get my head around is why he wakes up so late??

Surely if he’s not working during the week, he should be the one to wake up early and get DD ready for school?
Just like you should do this on the weekend when he’s working?

Yes it is rude.Have you spoken to him about it?He could at least say Hello or Good Morning

Is it hell him being ND...that's just him finding an excuse to be an arse! Some of our family are ND and still manage to be polite, even if they don't want to talk much. And yes some people are not good first thing, but again, there's no need to be horrible to other people.

You don't want to leave, I understand why (but having done exactly that, I can tell you life is a lot easier without this kind of behaviour in it), but if you're staying, then please be careful what you wish for - you might be better leaving him to behave badly in the other room than try and change him, much less hassle for you and DD that way, as he's not going to change; he's already shown you that by "trying" and then reverting to being a misery guts.

Oh and one final thing...you are not responsible for him being rude to other people, my ex was often like that and I used to apologise for him...but it really isn't you who needs to be apologetic.

You need to tell him that his behaviour is killing your love and respect for him and you are questioning whether you want to stay in the marriage.

No you don't. People who say this nonsense are just trying to give themselves an excuse to be nasty.

Sounds like he's not just rude in the mornings - ltb

What a selfish, rude and lazy man.
so many people excusing him saying he may be ND or “not a morning person” This does not get you out of parenting or adulting and responsibilities.
He has essentially checked out of all morning parenting. Has a 1hr 20min lie-in every morning for himself while his wife does all the parenting and all the jobs. Then he has the audacity to get up, come downstairs and be RUDE and moody. Ffs. I would have zero patience with this.

I think that too! Like how do they manage in an office situation with a meeting at 9am.... you have to suck it up and be polite even when you don't want to be.

it doesn’t matter if he’s unsociable but he’s so fucking lazy! Get him to get dd ready during the week while you just get yourself up for work and then swap over at weekends. I bet at weekends currently he just gets himself up and not a thought to anyone else? Yes, keep thinking of how much easier it will be without him!

I used to think I was a morning person until I lodged (I was a student) with a family whose grandma came round at 7am several days a week and expected me to make bright conversation while I was having breakfast. It was absolute torture.

In your position I would find out what the specific issue with your husband is - it sounds as though he is not a morning person, but he needs to get his temper under control, unless your children are genuinely messing about.

Does he have a good heart? Meaning if your mum needed an operation and NHS was choc-a-bloc, would he immediately tell you to empty your savings to pay for her or would he say 'But we planned a holiday/new kitchen this year'? If the answer is yes, please leave him alone.

I know a person (my friend's dh) who did not like his MIL, never was chatty or rarely acknowledged her, but when she fell seriously ill, told his wife 'bring the old bat home, we need to look after her'. Paid for her surgery, she lived with them for several years, made their lives difficult. The 'old bat' had no money to leave them, she lived in a council flat. That was real love, in my opinion, not stupid diamonds or flowers, or romantic dinners, etc. So if your dh is like that, leave him alone, let him be huffy.

What if OP wasn’t a morning person? Would it be ok for a young child to be ignored/talked to like shit and receive no help at all getting ready for the day? “We’re just not morning people” wouldnt fly to social services I don’t think 😂 Ridiculous excuse

You say you can't bear to live without your daughter OP, which is entirely understandable, but if you you separated, how likely is it that your misery guts husband would press for 50/50 custody?

But you Battle through and still do what your kids need, despite not being up for it, because you’re a good parent. He does nothing but get angry. He’s giving non-morning people like you a bad rep, why are you on his side 😂

It doesn’t take 2 people to make a coffee.

If you made your mum a coffee and said thank you to her for collecting the laundry, then that should suffice. Your husband doesn’t need to follow suit.

He is not tight with money. He would let me pull from savings for anything thats important to me and I know if my mum got sick he wouldn't stop me from moving her in to take care of her though he wouldn't be happy about it.
At the same time I don't know how much longer I can put up with the constant negative energy that envelops the house when he is around. He just seems to have a constant sour face on him and rarely cracks a smile
(Sorry if you only read the OP as I have unintentionally drip fed some further info but basically mornings aside he has become an increasingly grumpy and rude man in the last few years)

No but he could have done it himself though, considering I was already trying to work and get DD ready at the same time and he had done absolutely nothing except make himself a coffee

Unlikely but even if it was 1 or 2 days a week that's too much fot me to be away from her when she's still little and for her to have to deal with his grumpiness all by herself... I just couldn't