AIBU to be annoyed by my husband's rude morning behaviour?

[Bronzeacorn]

This might be perimenopausal rage so just need you ladies to tell me if I'm being unreasonable.
Every morning I get up before my DD, I pack her lunch and schoolbag, make her breakfast, feed the dog, log on to work,make sure she gets out of bed on time and washes face/brushes teeth/gets dressed then I sit at the table with her chatting to her and simultaneously working on my laptop while she eats breakfast.

My DH usually works weekends so hes off during the week but he gets up 20 mins after DD (1hr 20mins after me) and barely says hello. He goes and sits in the living room and has his coffee alone, then after me and DD have usually had a pretty calm nice morning he will emerge from his solitude to start angrily rushing DD as he is the one who walks her to school.
Today my mum very kindly called during the morning and took a basket of our laundry to do as our washing machine packed up, it was a very kind offer from her so i was very grateful but DH barely said hello to her and didn't come into the kitchen at all while my mum sat and had coffee with me and DD.

I know I'm kind of being a martyr listing all the things I do but like I don't even care that I do everything if he wasn't so bloody rude.
Hes going through ND diagnosis so perhaps that's a factor but still AIBU to be annoyed about his rudeness?

He is off today I'm working but I've literally done EVERYTHING all morning he did absolutely nothing up to that point but its too much to ask that he make his mother in law a coffee and thank her in advance for washing his dirty underwear?
Honestly mumsnet really gives an insight into how other people's brains work I never would have thought my idea of basic good manners would be considered so outrageous

I understand not wanting to be sociable in the morning but that doesn't mean its OK to black people. A basic 'morning' should be the minimum, particularly if he expects this from your daughter

I think it's OK to take some time for himself if he is then doing the school run and it takes a similar amount of time as getting her ready, if tasks are generally split fairly. It sounds like you would rather he doesn't spend time with you anyway.

However he should not be angrily rushing her every day, unless she is deliberately ignoring things / dawdling and being constantly late, in which case you need to sit down the three of her to sort it out (eg my kids have no TV until they're ready otherwise it takes twice as long for them to eat).

It sounds like this relationship is pretty much over. Maybe start working towards a split now, because your daughter will be getting herself ready for school and getting herself there before you know it.

Similar here since my eldest started high school. I get up and get everyone/everything ready then he rolls out of bed 5 minutes before its time to go and starts bossing everyone about or quizzing me about if they've got everything they need. I'm hoping the novelty will wear off and he'll go back to sleeping until we're all out of the house as it just gets everyone on edge and ruins our relaxed happy mornings. Hes also got an equally annoying habit of coming up and winding my youngest up at bedtime when I'm in the middle of reading his bedtime story. It's infuriating

Wow. So you have a teenager who needs mothering and a daughter who is growing up witnessing this. Also, stop using ND as an excuse, for goodness sake he’s a grown man. How do mothers who are ND cope?! I’m a single mother who is ND, I have to find ways to cope. Imagine if I turned around and said I won’t get out of bed until late, do the bare minimum and won’t talk to my children?!

Start thinking of your daughter and what she is witnessing, think how better and calmer her childhood would be. This isn’t fair, if you’re still scared to talk to him then you need to realise you’re in an abusive situation. Or if you can, give him an ultimatum, as others have said he hardly works so I don’t see the issue in him getting up and adjusting like a grown adult.

Fabulous example of controlling and weaponised incompetence.

I know I’m a morning person but I’m with you on this. Even though I’m not an evening person if that happened in the evening I could manage basic politeness.

I don't understand why so many people are fixating on the MIL popping round for the laundry . I'm sure it's a rare occurrence not an everyday one.
I also loathe people that use a medical condition as an excuse to be rude. Manners cost absolutely nothing.
What does he do all week, when he isn't at work? Other than the school run, does he do any of the household chores or food shop?
Have you had a sit down, talk with him? Not just about his behaviour, but about whether or not he is happy? It sounds to me that neither of you are, I certainly wouldn't want to stay in an unhappy marriage, it doesn't do anyone any good, even the children.
Would you and your husband be open to couples therapy?

So unfair your daughter having to live like this. What’s the point? Likelihood is she will be with you full time? Odd weekend he will want her, then it will fade and he will get fed up of having to solo parent and do everything. Your daughter deserves to live in a happy home. My cousin actually disowned her mother for staying with her father, it’s given her borderline personality disorder growing up around and in a toxic home, she struggled with relationships as well. Not fair at all.

Wow really? That's super kind and empathic of you.

It is getting pretty ridiculous everyone blames ND on sh1tty and lazy parenting..

If he’s also unhappy in this marriage it’s no wonder he barely talks or isn’t full of bounce in a morning

But you're focusing on the wrong thing - which is that you've done everything and he's done nothing. The fact that he didn't want to talk to his MIL is irrelevant to your issue.

I have tried to speak to him about it before but he gets upset and says its not his fault he is quiet and is hurt that I'm accusing him of not being fun (I kind of am but wouldnt say that directly). He doesn't want to split up says he'll change then does change for a bit until things inevitably go back to the way they were.
He does do household chores when hes off he cooks, cleans(ish), walks dog, does laundry when we have a working washing machine but all of the DD stuff (bed, bath, activities, appointments, plsydates, parties and grocery shopping is all me.
Historically he has refused couples couples counselling

He should be involved in getting your daughter up and ready so you can focus fully on wfh. It doesn’t take two people to get a child to school.

Not really it's polite to thank a person who has offered to clean your dirty laundry. It's an example of another thing that's left to me while he sits in the room right next door doing nothing

Their washing machine was broken! So your would rather hand wash all your clothes presumably? Bloody hell the woman was doing them (including Mr Miserable) a favour! She was washing his filthy underwear and socks etc... and the rude git couldn't even acknowledge her.

I just don't see that you both need to thank her, I guess. I wouldn't expect DH to come and chat/thank my mum for something like that.

By focusing on the little things you're not going to get anywhere with the bigger picture.

You should help with the DC in the morning. It's not fair to leave it all to him.

To be honest I think your daughter would be better off if you split - at least that way she would have one home where she felt comfortable and didn't have to walk on eggshells. At the moment she doesn't have that

Oh no I don't agree with lots of people who are saying he is just not a morning person.
You said he isn't working yet from the sounds of it you are the one who gets up and does all of the jobs and organizing to get your daughter out the door. I would be royally ticked off too!

Not being a morning person is no excuse for being miserable around others or getting cranky with your daughter to get her out the door. Also, I would be mortified if my husband essentially ignored my mother while she was in our house.

I think you're definitely not being unreasonable and you should tell him that his humour in the morning is affecting those around him!

Being neuro diverse isn't an excuse to be a dick.

My husband was undiagnosed ND and could be absolutely appalling on a morning. At his worst times, he couldn't function at all and if things started badly, it would often stay with him for most of the day. It felt like he was completely happy just being laid there in his bed listening to me doing everything with 3 boys and 2 dogs and not give a dam. He would be very rude to people - especially to me and the boys - and didn't seem to care whether he upset anyone. Parents would pop in like yours and he'd either keep out of the way or barely manage a grunt. When things escalated with him, he'd be the same on a night too after work - just retreat to our bedroom watching YouTube or scrolling on his phone and allow me to deal with it all. I'd reached the end of my patience and like you, thought life would be much nicer with him absent.

Luckily, things came to a head several years ago and he has worked very very hard since on his mental health including being diagnosed. Once he opened up, had therapy, tried different medications and started to understand himself which in turn allowed me to understand him, it turns out he was actually laid in bed unable to get up, riddled with an anxiety that he couldn't control or understand, and riddled with guilt over it. By night time, he just couldn't function properly and he certainly wasn't aware of just how rude he was coming across. He was struggling and had no idea why or how to change things. To an outsider, even someone as close to him as me or his family, it just felt like he'd turned into a prick.

Your husband might not be the same as mine but it might be worth a conversation and look at things from another perspective before you give up completely.

Well that changes things. She's only six. You get up early, and help her get herself ready, sit and chat at breakfast and spend time with her, making sure she has everything she needs.
You are giving her a really good start to the school day.

" me and DD have usually had a pretty calm nice morning he will emerge from his solitude to start angrily rushing DD as he is the one who walks her to school."
He is completely undoing all your good efforts and probably stressing your DD out into the bargain. Why is he so important that hsi walking her to school has to be done so unpleasantly? What a way to treat his own DD.

He's a rude pig not to even say even a basic good morning to his own mother too.

Yes it’s rude as fuck. I’m the worst morning person in the world but I would never treat my MIL like that.

I’m autistic and I manage to be polite to people who do favours for me or my family. Like other posters have said, if he wouldn’t get away with it at work then he shouldn’t do it at home.

Honestly the benefits of your daughter having 6 days/nights a week in a positive fun environment with you will outweigh the one night/day she has to put up with his initial grumpiness. And if he doesn’t sort it out she will refuse to go and that’s on him to change. You can’t change him.

Life is too short to be with a misery who won’t even go to counselling.