Another selfish man thread

[Tummytroublesagain1]

Not after any pearls of wisdom but would be nice to vent

DH is mostly rubbish at DIY but admittedly is shit hot at putting together flat pack furniture

My dad is a joiner so I defer to him when I actually need holes drilling in the wall. I need a curtain pole putting up, so he’s very kindly offered to come this afternoon and put it up for US. The US is the important bit.

DH has just announced that he’s going to the gym - I’m like er no can you wait until later until after dad has been to do the curtain pole. Cue a mini tantrum from a 55 year old man about why can’t I help him instead.

I had to mansplain to him that actually it’s highly inappropriate to be out at the gym when my 76 year old dad comes over to do a job for us.

Send wine and chocolate

honestly it doesn’t warrant a leave the bastard but sometimes I do wonder………

No, but if DIY is being done at home, makes sense to get the kids out of the way. Division of responsibility and all that.

It would be different if it was a special, planned day out, but popping out to the gym doesn't count.

For a start, I wouldn't be using electric drills with little ones around. Too easy to put it down for a sec and have one of the kids pick it up.

This!

But anyway I think it’s off for him to go out exactly when your dad is coming to do
something to help you both

OP thinks she can leave out the important bits and start some kind woe is me story. Sorry state of affairs

No, you shouldn't have kids around when you're doing DIY involving drills and heavy items.

Maybe he's embarrassed 😳

🤣🤣🤣 get a grip.

This OP has mentioned a curtain pole- not the rest of the essay that you are going on about!

What, he can't greet FIL, make a cuppa and say thanks, be warm, friendly, chit chat and at least look pleased to see him and for his help?

Don't need to stand in a corner in shame, why on earth would you?

"my husband being 55 gives absolutely no indication of how old my children are"

So "my children" NOT "our children" then?

Yep, incredibly sexist I agree. Some people are good at this stuff and some aren’t. Whether they are male or female has no bearing.

I find in utterly depressing that in 2026 these sexist attitudes are still so prevalent.

I thought we’d started to get past all this but things seem to be going backwards.
FWIW my OH very good at DIY but I’m also reasonably capable of putting up a curtain rail on my own, shelves and so on. It’s called practical problem solving.

Some are better at this than others, my OH is brilliant at it, I’m ’good enough’, my son, on the other hand, really struggles. It doesn’t make him somehow less manly - he is very good at other things.

to the OP, I’d say in the interests of equality you should get your dad to teach you this stuff then you can teach your kids when they’re old enough. It would be a shame to let all that joiner knowledge go to waste.

As for your OH, do you think you’d be as bothered about him going out if it was your mum coming to help you hang curtains?
Your answer is in there, and will guide you as to whether it’s good old fashioned sexism, shame that you’ve had to ask your dad because neither you or husband can do it or something else going on.
it also sounds like your mum is coming to so therefore it’s a chance for you and her to catch up while keeping an eye on the twins. Maybe husband thinks he’s surplus to requirements!

If your DH was putting up the curtain rail would you have to invite someone else round to look after the kids? Or to assist him?

Depending on the age of the kids, could they assist? I remember helping my Dad with DIY when I was a kid, and from a young primary school age. I was more than capable of holding one end of the tape measure, holding the end of the plank of wood he was cutting, passing him screws, hammers etc.

As a consequence of this, I am perfectly happy and able to do DIY and don’t think twice about putting certain rails up on my own.

By gum that's ugly. I can use a drill thankfully so I'll never need that hideous thing just to hang curtain man or no man

Oh dear. While I love a good man bash I don't think he's doing anything wrong 😬
Surely you can spare 5 mins to help your Dad? A curtain pole doesn't take long.
Unless of course, he leaves you daily to look after twins on your own so he can go to the gym. That would be a useless man move.
It does both parents good to grab a couple of hours to themselves when they can.

Did you check with your husband that the time worked for him and he could be there before you made the arrangement with your dad? If so, then yes it's annoying that he decided later to go out. If not, and he had already planned to go to the gym, I can understand why he would assume you'd handle things with your dad and his presence wasn't needed. But I'm also not sure how he can just announce he's going to the gym - do you split up time looking after the twins and his gym time/your dad's visit happens to fall into your time slot today? And of course the tantrum is undesirable, but he may not have described it that way.

@HappySummerFunits a curtain pole not a major reno. It will take 1 person about 20 mins. When my kids were small my in-laws would often come on a Sunday and do my garden. Cut the grass, trim the hedges. My DH was perfectly capable of watching the kids so I would go for a swim, walk around the shops alone. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

This is so ridiculous. I'm 62 and have never done DIY before but this year (following the death of my DH 2 years ago) I built a shed base from scratch and then built the shed to go on top. I also completely redecorated my porch and built a potting table from scraps of wood. I'm getting a dab hand with my power tools. Both you and your DH should be ashamed that neither of you can tackle a curtain pole. Maybe you should both be there to watch your dad do it and learn something useful.

BTW, having 7 year old twins is not an excuse. They can be left to play for a few minutes while you help your dad. And yes, I looked at a previous thread of yours, seeing as you were being coy, making out you've got babies or toddlers to look after.

Nope also don’t see the issue, don’t think he is being as selfish as you think. Maybe it makes sense for him to go at a time that you have company from others?

So basically you're saying because your dad is doing a job, your husband needs to be there to be a humiliated. That he should feel embarrassed because he can't do it. So if you can't make cushion covers, bake a perfect Victoria sponge without a receipt and clean mirrors without streaks does that make you less of a woman?

And I noticed you dodged the question about the kids ages!

I get it - your dad is doing you BOTH a favour and it’s only polite for your husband to be home to say thank you!

It's also sexist for men to think they can waltz out to the gym while there are chores being done and children to be cared for.

Seven, eh. So perfectly safe to be in the house while grandad puts up a curtain pole.

You'll laugh when you find out the twins are 21

I honestly don't understand why both have to be there. As long as one of you is there.

I don't really get this to be honest, it's a curtain pole, I've put them up on my own loads of times. Is it a particularly complex one?

Or is this perhaps not the best example of the issue you're describing?

Your dad should teach you how to put up a curtain pole and your useless husband can mind the babies?

Its already been arranged.

Surely there is nothing more that needs doing by op or her husband other than saying "hi dad, help yourself to a cuppa" or " hi dad, I'll make you a drink" and then "thank you so much for doing this, we both really appreciate it"

There is no fanfare or ceremony that needs to be had here.

Plenty of times I've gone to my in-laws to help them with something, I'd find it really odd if one of them had wanted to go somewhere and didn't because of me.
I've helped them with stuff because I want to, I don't need them to stand over me whilst I do it and it doesn't need to be a huge deal