AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

Yeah but if someone was in a well paid job that they couldn't easily find somewhere else, you could rationalise staying in a stressful job.

But for peanuts?! That's mental!

Leave before you become unwell. It doesn't sound like you're the only one they are treating like this if other people are also leaving. Poor employee retention plus people going off sick is a red flag.

I am glad you have decided to leave, I hope you are able to put it all behind you and move onto bigger and better things swiftly. X

If I walked in tomorrow and said hey DH I am now working 10 hours a week doing pilates, he would be fine with that. At the moment I am only working 4.5 hours. I can immediately increase it to 7, then 9 a few weeks later.

Also are you having any HRT to help you through the menopause? It made me able to cope better with stress etc.

I agree. Over the 15 years or so I've done Pilates it's always been competitive to get a place. If you're good at it people will really appreciate you!

These attitude problems may well be true, but they shouldn’t be brought up out the blue at an annual appraisal where they downgrade you.

The company is clearly struggling and it is what it is. The job is the job. So yes I’d leave if you don’t like it.

I reckon that this is the reason. They want to make cuts and OP would be very expensive to make redundant.

You need to leave. If you are also one of the last permanent employees they may be making up stuff to try and push you to resign.

You could speak to ACAS about next steps, but you also need to consider how far you want to take this. You could resign and walk away, or you could confront them head on and go for constructive dismissal etc. As much as you may want to give them some home truths, you need to be mindful of burning bridges as you never know who may cross your path in the future.

However, I would think hard about going off sick because a future employer may ask your previous (current) employer for a reference and the number of sick days that you have taken. If you’ve been off for weeks or months a new employer may shy away from offering you a job. I have seen this happen to others.

OP - take a couple of days to think about next steps. Sounds as if resigning is the best thing for you but as others have suggested, a couple of days of sick leave to breathe and plan your exit could be useful.

Work out how much annual leave you have - look up your company guidelines about leaving and make sure that you're in charge of the next steps. So when you hand in your resignation letter, you already know how many days you have to work or whether you've got annual leave you can take as part of that.

It's a big step after so many years so take your time. Good luck.

Of course it is allowed to give a negative reference, provided the information is fair and correct. Otherwise, there would be no point in references to begin with.
But OP's company is only giving out standard confirmations of employment which are likely coming from a person in HR who has never met her.

I wouldn’t resign straight away. I’d go on stress leave for quite some time and try to recover while they’re paying me - fuck them. Go to the gp and let the whole toxic mess out, be emotional, get signed off. Write in to your manager please find attached doctors note that I am unfit to work. I have been under huge amounts of pressure from the overload of work and no support. Management have refused to let me drop anything ,everyone I used to work with has quit, management response is to give me their work and keep telling us to smile more, now they’ve downgraded my performance because they don’t like my attitude. Thinking about going into work tomorrow makes me want to throw up and I just can’t.

take the sick pay, relax, and plan. You’re never going back, except perhaps one last time to tell them to go jump.

A overly high workload is done on purpose. To set you up to fail. They will know you have a disproportionate workload to anyone else. And that nobody else could probably do it too.

I bet your manager couldn’t do it !

Fuck that. Quit. With as little notice as possible. Then they'll find out why you're so miserable all the time. It's a minimum wage job, you've been consistently employed for 10 years it's not like you're throwing away a huge income or flaking bouncing from job to job. You will find another minimum wage job with alot less to do.

Hand your notice in, go off on sick with work stress and just completely drop the rope before your contract terminates. They don’t deserve a smooth handover. Work on building up your Pilates business. It’s really having a moment now so a great time to expand it. I’d much rather be taught by a woman my age and at my time of life (we are similar age and I’m perimenopausal) and I don’t think I’m alone. Good luck!

People with no idea how to manage. At all.

The information in the negative reference has to be supported by "concrete evidence" and there doesn't seem to be much in OPs case. Most employers avoid giving negative reference. This is from Gov website:

Bad references
If you think you’ve been given an unfair or misleading reference, you may be able to claim damages in court. Your previous employer must be able to back up the reference, such as by supplying examples of warning letters.
You must be able to show that:

• it’s misleading or inaccurate
• you ‘suffered a loss’ – for example, the withdrawal of a job offer

I would look for another role or leave in your shoes. If it’s just above or at NMW it’s not worth it. Companies like this prioritise profit over welfare or they would hire more people. You owe them nothing.

They don't sound like a company who pays sick pay to me. I wouldn't go off sick without first checking whether I am entirely to anything above statutory sick pay. As PP mentioned, having long sickness period is not a great thing when it comes to employer references.

As part of a management course I went on I had to ask colleagues for feedback about me and it was horrendous! ‘Cold’ came up a few times and expecting too much of people. The second one was my inexperience but I saw myself as being so warm and friendly that cold really shocked me. It can be hard to view yourself objectively. As painful as it is are any of those things true? I work with someone who is as your manager describes but they would be adamant they are nothing like that.

I would get signed off and stay on sick leave for as long as possible, developing your private business and then leave with no handover.

If there's no reference I'd go to the gp and get signed off with stress and take some time to think about your next steps.

You really sound burnt out. I had this at a appraisal because they had a set number of shiity appraisals to give out and I was told "it was my turn" I played into that. Said I was shocked I was uo standard after 15 years of no complaints. They said it was my skills, it was my personality. So I asked to drop hours so I could feel more refreshed as part of improvement. I had some sick leave. But I never felt the same there afterwards. Knowing no one had defended me or pushed back. I had never once taken a sick day before. So I was a easy target.

Get signed off. Rest. Take time to think. Ask again to drop hours but this time directly relate it to your feedback. Get some union / legal advise. While off sick. Tell the gp your thinking of resigning as work is making you ill.

I would resign.

I would also get signed off sick, but if this means you can’t carry on with Pilates job then probably not the best idea. You can’t surely be sick from one job but continue doing another.

Another thing I would do is raise a grievance about your performance rating from your appraisal in that they raised things that had not been brought to your attention during the year. Appraisals should be “no surprises”. So log a grievance with HR - make it difficult for them.

As for the resignation letter, short and sweet, “I resign from today and will leave on x day. I have x days holidays to take so my last working day will be x and I will be paid to x.”

If I've read the OP correctly, it was after the appraisal that the OP was told there were issues. She has a piss poor manager who has chosen to focus on personal aspects rather than the fact she's completely overworked and that's the root cause of anything else. That manager should be addressing the understaffing and helping to get the OP the support she needs. Leave and look at suing them for constructive dismissal.

You can argue the Pilates is to support her MH recovery