AIBU to feel upset after my meeting with my manager?

[derFutterneid]

I have been working somewhere for nearly 10 years, after being a SAHM. I loved my job, but the company has gone through many restructures and it has changed completely.

Over the past 2 years we have had many redundancies and people not replaced. As a result my workload has massively increased. On top of this many of my colleagues have sought out doctors notes, and other things to exempt them from certain tasks. I have been given this extra work too. This has caused me a lot of stress. It also affects others and a few of my work colleagues are now on antidepressants or have left. Our staff turnover is horrendous. People are leaving with no job to go to. Everyone is unhappy and it is a toxic environment.

Anyway, I had my appraisal and it went OK, but afterwards I realised I had been downgraded. I asked some of my colleagues, not directly, but they confirmed they received higher. I was really upset about this, as I'd say I was one of a few people who do the lions share. I even manage the department when there is no manager. Since my boss is on holiday I asked the next level up (it is usual to escalate to this person) about my appraisal.

What then followed has really shocked me. I was told that it had been agreed amongst them to downgrade me as whilst my work was excellent and appreciated, I had a bad attitude and my behaviours are not aligning with what they list as what we should be demonstrating. Apparently people say hello to me, and I have my head down and barely acknowledge them or I am in a mood and people tread on eggshells around me. I am a thorn in the managers side, and I bring problems to the manager but not solutions. I am abrupt. I was totally shocked by this because in the 30 years that I have been working, and the many appraisals I have had, I have never had this feedback. In fact I have constantly been told I am very popular and respected and a go to person if someone needs help. I have never worked with this manager. It felt like a character assassination.

Some points;

I asked for some specific examples, but they could not name one.

I have never had a complaint made about me by a customer, or by a colleague in 10 years.

Apparently I am too outspoken, but they specifically asked me to join a group of staff to talk about branch issues. I asked to step down from this and was asked to stay as my opinions are valued. After one meeting the head of the company told my manager that they were really impressed with how I professionally handled myself. Seeing me upset, a friendly manager told me that I had pissed off one of the managers by questioning something, and that the company ask for my opinion, but don't always like the answers.

In this company, I have had at least 18 appraisals and mid years, and not once have I ever had feedback on my attitude. There is no history of this whatsoever.

Now, I am not disputing my attitude and behaviours. However I asked them to put it into context. I am covering a very large portion of the workload. I have asked to reduce my hours, and change my days (there is one week a month where I work 7 out of 8 days in a row). I come home stressed out and crying. I have raised concerns numerous times about my workload and improving my work life balance. These have all been rejected as we are short staffed and it doesn't suit the business. I asked to move department and they have said no. So, with that in mind, yes I look stressed, I look unhappy, I may not be skipping along saying hello to everyone. However, no one has complained about me, neither staff member or client.

Apparently they have observed this about me for a while, and my manager should have addressed it with me, but they did not. Even though I spent an hour and a half in my appraisal. Apparently they are too scared of me. I am in my 50's and they are in their late 20's.

FYI this is a minimum wage job. I do have another PT job which I can increase the hours. I don't really need the money, but I saved and invested all that I earned and felt I was contributing to my household and our future.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

My DH is not being very supportive about me leaving. He says I shouldn't till I get another job, but I just don't see how I can stay if this is what they think of me. My adult DC say that I am going to end up having a heart attack or stroke and it is not worth it.

AIBU to be upset, or is this kind of feedback normal?

What would you advise me?

What's stopping me leaving;

The money was invested and it feels good.
I like to be busy, and have structure to my week.
I'm in my 50's, it'll be hard to get another job. However, I do have another job that I enjoy and I can develop (I am a pilates instructor)

And I would consider making a claim for constructive dismissal based on ageism etc - call ACAS on how best to do this

Seriously leave.
I was in a fabulous job for years but the work culture changed ( not me or my colleagues) it became toxic. I tried to solder on but the only person who i was hurting was myself. Once I left it was like the biggest weight was taken from me. My now ex colleagues who left felt the same. It happened to other teams in our department as well. On the first night after I officially left I slept so well and had a fabulous weekend not doing much but felt happy again.

I got another job that is very similar but for a different council so im still working with families and children but with nicer managers and in a better environment. Honestly you will find work if you want to, you will be happier and you will have tons less stress once you do your last shift!

Bad managers like people who smile and say everything’s fine. I used to work in a team where this was the culture. It wasn’t until shortly before I left that i discovered everyone else thought the manager was shit too.

Leave. No matter what you do, it won’t be enough.

This manager suggested that I get my manager and a couple of other managers who also work along side me in a room and they tell me bluntly about my attitude and behaviours, I can then go away, reflect on it, and come back acting differently. I don't really like the sound of this!!!

Yes, you’re the problem and not their unreasonable and unworkable office environment. Any chance they’re mostly men? But I wouldn’t put it past thick as mince and mean women either. Definitely just go.

You just hand them a letter saying.

Please accept this letter as formal notice of my resignation.

My last working day will be X.

and

Ask for remaining leave to either be paid or taken prior to leaving.

that is it.

Make sure it is dated and the period starts on the next day so depending on your notice period and accrued leave days thats how you calculate your last day.

It depends on the wording of your contract but it's normally from the day you hand in your resignation, not the day after. Do you have any annual leave you can use up?

This place sounds completely toxic. They want yes-men and people who will work like slaves and not complain about it. If you dare raise your head above the parapet and express any level of dissatisfaction you’re beaten down and told it’s your attitude and behaviours that are the problem, not the stressful working environment. It’s a way of controlling you, of making you into performing monkeys. Comply or be downgraded.

The only way is out OP. Like others have said, if it’s NMW, just go for a supermarket instead. And increase your Pilates.

Seems to me it’s the way of the workplace these days. All the “we are all friends”, “we are a family” really annoys me.

Whatever happened to just going to work, getting your head down, doing a good job and then going home. If you do that now, you’re not a “team player”, which is ridiculous.

I would definitely leave. I would be tempted to give a whole letter about how you really feel about the situation, and I suggest you do write that for cathartic reasons, but don't actually send it.

You need to send a basic letter. 'This is my formal resignation, my last day will be blah blah blah'. If you really want to put anything in, I wouldn't put any more than "It is with great sadness, but due to the increasingly hostile work environment due to overstretching staff I feel I have no choice but to hand in my notice".

I would then get signed off with stress for your notice period; I would maybe do that first.

But I would not stay in a place that treated me like that, especially not for minimum wage. It's a horrible realisation when you go above and beyond for people and realise that you're not even appreciated. Sorry that you've had to go through that.

They have handled this situation so badly. Even if these things were true, the annual appraisal should never come as a shock. It should be the documenting of things already discussed.
You should raise a grievance about how appallingly youve been treated

You do seem a bit 'I do everything, everyone else are slackers' in your second paragraph.
If you vocalise this, it will piss people off even if it is true.

That said, if you don't need the money, leave. They obviously don't value your contribution and don't want you there.

If you plan to resign anyway then I would at least go down the HR grievance route before you do. Maybe if you have been there a long time they are trying to encourage you to leave before they need to offer redundancy.
Keep your grievance very factual- the fact they didnt raise any concerns in your appraisal then just downgraded you should be evidence in your favour.

@derFutterneid agree it sounds like a toxic environment, don't blame yourself.

Interestingly, I've been reading about how menopausal women behave more like men particularly in terms of becoming more direct and assertive. But as ever, what is acceptable for men in the work place is seen as unacceptable for women.

This is far too much for a minimum wage job. I'm surprised you stuck to it this long. I know job market is tough right now but as you don't need the money and you have other sources of Income, I would prioritise your health and happiness now over financial investments. You can always make more money, you can't make more time or health.
Glad to hear you decided to leave. Don't worry about what to put on a letter. A basic "please accept my recognition. My last working day is X as per my contract notice period" is plenty.

You are NOT past your sell by date, don’t think like that! It’s them that have changed, not you. Fuck them OP.

I wouldn’t go off sick, it could affect your reference. I would resign and quietly work my notice.

Speak to ACAS. Ask about constructive dismissal claim. I am assuming you are not in a union?

Absolutely spot on !
I am imagining the relief you are going to feel when you know you never Have to set foot in the p!ace again.
If you are going off sick before leaving take all your personal item's home if any there, one less thing to worry about going back for.
Good luck in your peaceful new life to come.

Sod that. Hand in your notice asap and even go off on stress leave for the remaining period. They have treated you appallingly. DO NOT let them get into your head. My goodness, they will be regretting what they have said when you have left and they realise how much you did! Go and do your Pilates work. X

I would go to the gp and go on stress leave, then apply for as many jobs as you can. It sounds toxic and you shouldn't have to put up with that negativity but if your husband is against you quitting straight out thats worth a consideration, if you spent years as a sahm and he had to bear the financial majority, can the pilates cover the drop in pay? Or would it negativity affect your relationship because that's just transferring one type of stress to another

this. with knobs on

also. lots of people are telling you to get another job in eg retail- I work in retail and it's EXACTLY what you're describing here

don't go to retail- focus on the pilates!

This is great advice, and it’s what I’d try to do in your situation.

We did actually get told in a meeting recently that we all need to smile more

I’m sorry you’re working for a set of complete morons. Their opinion isn’t worth anything if they’re making such stupid suggestions. “Beatings will continue until morale improves”…. Get out now with your sanity intact - it won’t get better.

When things are wrong people look for someone to blame. Labelling people without giving specific examples is weak and poor management.

You are an older woman. And generally not a thirty something who your managers, I suspect, would prefer. Easy to pick on. Expensive to make redundant. Perhaps more able than they are ? Someone might be managing you keen to prove they can manage you to a higher up. They want a promotion out of your misery.

You have three choices.
Stay and hope things improve. I suspect they will not.
Resign and argue for constructive dismissal. Very hard to put yourself through and very hard to prove apparently.
Get another job.

I would leave them to it and get another job. You have choices. It would be entirely liberating to go somewhere better.
And they do not deserve the feedback either as to why.

Sorry if it comes across that way.

The main issue is the lack of staff. No one should be doing a heap of work. I actually take my hat off to them for having boundaries that I have not put in place.

I also blame myself. I couldn't find it in myself to say no, or cause a fuss, or push back. I wish I was more like them.

When I tried to create boundaries, that is when I think I became a "thorn in managers side". Once morning at 0900 on a Monday I was told I was doing training in a room. When I got there I said, where is everyone else? They said it was just me, and I questioned the fairness of this. I think this person is one of the people who has complained about my attitude.

They can't give you a bad reference, its not allowed.

I haven't read the whole thread but I would speak to an employment lawyer and see if you can raise this somehow as a complaint. Because it sounds like bullying and a baseless personal attack. They can't do that.