AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

my view is to go down the adult responsibilities route or sell some of her items of my choosing to repay it.

Can you explain how taking some of her stuff if YOUR choosing is treating her like an adult?
Apart from the fact that taking something from someone like this would be theft

You want to treat her like an adult? Whatvwoukd you do if it was a friend? A self employed person?
You'd ask for the money back (Up to them to find how to find it) or you’d ask them to do the job again OR to do another job.

Stop treating her like a child. Judging how she spends her money or wanting to punish her/teach her.
She is 19yo. Time for her to do as she wants. And except the consequences she mess up.

As for being ‘entitled’/grumpy if she is reminded of what she agreed, she is basically still acting like a teen.
Just grey rock, stay calm, remind her that’s how the adult world works. No need for a lecture. No need to get angry, judgement etc… just plain consequences.

If someone stole from me I would call the police.

If it was a civil matter, I would go to small claims court.

As it's within the family, I would handle it by removing £120 of her stuff, but giving it back if I got the money back.

Do you think adults should be able to steal from their parents without facing any consequences?

And by doing that you would
1- commit theft
2- teach her that actually it’s ok to behave badly
3- treat her like a child when she is an adult
4- miss a huge opportunity for her learn
5- destroy your relationship with your dd.

If you want someine to act like an adukt, you need to start with treating them like an adult. And you need to stop acting like a controlling parent

Don't let her back in until she pays. What she did was illegal as it was theft. Don't let her in, don't get treated like a doormat.

How would you treat another adult who stole from you? Not doing anything but weakly saying that wasn't very nice IS teaching her it is ok to behave badly, and missing an opportunity for her to learn.

How do you think being a pathetic pushover will help her become a decent adult?

You need the whole post though.
Youve just chosen to get upset about one part - where I said it is theft to take her stuff wo asking and selling them. Because it is.

And very deliberately decided to ignore the part where I said the dd should either reimburse the OP or do another job fir an equivalent amount.
Which is exactly how adults would react.

Im sure you wouldn’t go and help yourself in the van of your handyman if you had paid them and they hadn’t done the job, right. Or keep the tools until they hadn’t done done the job. You’d be in trouble with the law there.

If I paid someone £120 in advance to take me to the airport, they didn't show up and turned the phone off when I called them, I would absolutely keep tools they had left in my house until they had paid me back.
(mixing two things there, but the point stands)

What point are you making, exactly? That doing anything about this is a no-go? What do you think the lesson is there?

These sort of replies really help me understand why other people's children are so awful and badly behaved compared to my own, nice, honest and hard working, children

Who was she supposed to take, and did they get there on time, @NCforobviousreasons1 ?

As above in a couple of my posts

You ask for the money back. The dd has the opportunity to decide HOW she is going to find the money.
OR you give the opportunity to do another job for a similar amount of money.

Why do you think asking is weak?
Is it not what you’d do if you had had an issue like that with a family member, a handyman?

It’s only weak if you assume that you’re an authoritarian parent that has to punish a child, that is now an adult btw, AND that said adult is incapable to repair their mistake.

Because it's acting like this was a simple, cute misunderstanding or mishap, rather than unacceptable, selfish and stupid behaviour.

With the comment every time, that “you’re an adult with your own feelings will”.

Hasn’t she already asked though and the girl turned her phone off? What’s the next move if she flat out refuses?

Wasn’t theft.

if the DD intended to do this when she accepted the money it would be fraud, but if she only decided after, then it’s neither.

Still wrong of her and she owes OP the money, but it’s not theft.

If that is the case, then the OP should have parented her dd better 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Natural consequences is the real world would be that the person isn’t asked again to do a job like that. Or that there is no advance payment being made.

Id personally woukd have been more upset that, if I understood well, the dd went away wo giving any notice she wouldn’t do the job or organising for someone else to do it.

Once again, you might be angry at how careless the dd was (I’d have a big problem with the lack of notice tbh). But please tell me, how would you react if it was a family member? Let’s say a cousin. Or an acquaintance?
What would you do differently to hammer the point on how unacceptable, selfish and stupid that behaviour was?
Or are you telling us that it’s different because she is the OP’s child so it’s ok to shame her, take her stuff etc…as if she was 12yo?

The dd is away. The OP hasn’t even seen her or had a chat about it 😂😂

Thats exactly the sort of chat that needs to happen face to face. Not over text.

@NCforobviousreasons1 you reap what you sow
How can you be so feckless with standards?

Fuck that, if a family member did this to me we would all see it as theft. You don't do that to your parents. She wouldn't be coming in. If she's capable of doing that and is "an adult with free will", then she's more than capable of finding somewhere else to stay while she figures out how to pay the money back. What she did was sleazy tbh

And knowing this, you paid her in advance!

I think you need to stop kidding yourself that Tod is „out of character“.

I’d side with others and once she returns tell her she has 14 days to find a place and be an adult and sort her own stuff out. She’s being incredibly disrespectful to you both and I wouldn’t be having any of it! She can move out and live her best life or stay with you and respect your boundaries.

The most effective consequences here will be things like

Taking her off the insurance for the car if it's yours, and not letting her use it.
If you pay the mobile phone bill, either cancel the contract, or if you can't, then cut down to the most basic package and put a limitation on the account so that when she has used up the data she can't get more.
Taking it off the value of her Xmas present (obviously only works as long as you don't spend £500+ on her).

As I said before, the cost to you has been more than £120, due to having to get a taxi/other arrangements on top of the £120 you gave her.

Consequences need to be immediate, not at Christmas when OP will have long simmered down and feel bad about not giving her a present.

She needs a bollocking to understand how rightly angry you are, to pay the money back, and to immediately lose access to anything you pay for her beyond basics.

I would go silent until she gets back. Let her stew.

I would change wifi passwords and stop paying for phone and anything else because “adults pay for themselves”. I would advise that she can consider birthdays and Christmas cancelled (for her) until the money is repaid in full.

Theres no way she’s “genuinely good” otherwise. What a selfish, unpleasant adult you’ve raised.

I would take some things to sell now and hide them. Then text her to say as she is not replying to agree a different solution and you’re out of pocket, you’ll be selling her things.

Were the laughing emojis meant to be patronising? 🤔

Can you answer the question about what you’d do if she refused? Have another “chat”?