AIBU to ask for help re DD who has gone away for weekend when she should have been working

[NCforobviousreasons1]

How would you deal with the disrespect of an almost 19 yr old DD who has been paid for a job in advance this weekend by me and DH, not done it and used the money to go away for an impromptu weekend instead “because she’s an adult with free will”. Job can’t be done at any other time. Asked her to transfer the money back and she switched off phone. She’s due home on Monday.
No other real problems with her, generally good (but bad with money and entitled)

Really, really not the point.

Tbh if I’d done that to my mum my dad would have gone to wherever I was and dragged me back in front of all my friends. Perhaps that?

She wants to behave, and be treated as an adult, fine. If an adult receives funds for a service and doesn't deliver, they have to repay those funds and any consequential loss, this is what adults claim when they go to the small claims court. She needs to set out, and keep to a plan for repayment, which should be over a very short term. Alongside that she should understand any sanctions for default clearly in advance. If she doesn't want to comply, then a short sharp lesson in where power lies in adulthood should kick in, i.e. adults who have previously provided privileges to a young adult can decide not to, and whether that is financial support, or support in kind would be up to op.

Sounds normal behaviour. Bide your time. You will get opportunity to get your own back. Write it on some paper and pin it up in kitchen so she can see.

It doesn't sound like normal behaviour! It's bad behaviour.

Why don't the children worry about destroying their relationship with their parents?

I can’t get over saying you’d take someone to the airport and then just not do it! What did she think this person was going to do - fork out for a taxi last minute?

Add to that that she was already PAID for it!

And add to that that it’s not that she was sick or equivalent, she hasn’t given the money back, she doesn’t feel bad - she’s spent it on going away for the weekend herself and feels not just not-bad, she’s angry with you!

And when you’ve called her up on it she’s switched her phone off!!!

And her reasoning is…..she has free will?!

Fuck me. If she were my DD she’d be very quickly learning that we all have free will and that seeing as I earn the money she spends I have more than she does, and that theft and letting people down and outright rudeness have consequences too. I know some teenagers can be bad but this is something else.

Having said all that, she knows very well that she’s fucked up here, she’s just not wanting to deal with consequences and the unfairness of life as a teenager. I get that, to a large extent. But thieving and blocking and being rude isn’t the solution. Working and earning your way out is. She needs a proper lecture, incentives to earn, luxuries (such as you doing literally anything for her other than paying for a roof over her head and some of the food you cook) being earned. She knows it, she just doesn’t like it.

She needs repay it, or you need to take appropriate action, like adults with free will can move out... Do not let her get away with it!

I work for a family member whose DS is an entitled brat. Seems lovely, but has been allowed to get away with heinous acts. Including stealing money from his parents. Their solution was to stop having any cash around, so he just stole his DM's credit card from her purse. He's stolen from us, too, at work, because, why not? No consequences. Also did things like falsifying records (fraud) to get out of working. All hushed up. He has no sense of responsibility or respect, yet will shortly be elevated at work to eventually run the business into the ground. (I'll be leaving.

It escalates. So come down hard now.

Jesus I’d hate to be your child.

I wouldn't be living with a thief. Plenty of other people here wouldn't either. Your personal attack is tiresome. Especially as you even admitted you couldn't conceive what you would do in this scenario. This would never happen to me but if it did, a 19 year old would be finding somewhere else to live. Grown up enough to steal, use that money to fund their jollies and be a disrespectful brat on top of that, grown up enough to leave home.

They definitely would not be let into the house until the money was returned and they wouldn't be getting any more money either.

Well mine will never have this happen because they aren't thieves with no respect.

That’s not true.
The money was to cover a job. She didn’t do it so she returns the £120.
That amount then goes to cover the solution.
If the solution was more expensive she pays the difference. Not double.

I would ask her to pay it back. Eg £20 each week for six weeks. Or £30 for four weeks. And a heartfelt apology to everyone affected.
Being an adult means knowing that theft isn’t ok and has consequences.

This!

Came to say that sell something to recoup your loses. No more money…everything paid direct or given as food or lodging. Seriously nineteen is way old enough to know better and seriously seriously disrespectful

You must live a heck of a long way from the airport for it to cost £120.

100% this.

I don't think you should have paid in advance.

If this is a new behavior and she's previously been reliable and trustworthy with jobs/payment then jumping straight into changing locks and things like that seem extreme. If we are completely honest with ourselves, we were ALL irresponsible and entitled to some degree at 19 and most of us grew out of it through life experience and learning from mistakes. She does need to understand that she was given a responsibility and a payment for a service and that this has consequences and had a knock on effect to someone else who was inconvenienced. She will, of course, need to pay the money back and any other money paid out to rectify the job not being done through a proper repayment plan/jobs being done and no jobs will be paid upfront in future until money is repaid and trust is rebuilt.

She has definitely proved herself to be bad with money.
As soon as she had the cash in hand, she just took the money and ignored her responsibility of doing a job that she had been paid for.

Now you have to decide how she needs to return that money.
Are you going to take some of her belongings of equal value?

Given you've said she is

Entitled = an example being that she’ll agree to something but then if a better offer comes along complains that she’s being taken advantage of as opposed to realising that’s life!

I'd bide my time and twenty minutes before she expected me to drive her to an event or similar, I'd say that I'd now had a better offer and would be doing that instead. Once she got it, the blanket rule from then would be no lifts or other favours unless costs were paid in full in advance.

I had to pay a bit more than that for a transfer from Fife to Glasgow Airport. Edinburgh is a bit closer, but didn't have a suitable flight.

Did you force or nag her into the job? Maybe she's sick of you forcing her to do things she hates? I loathe airport runs, and so do many.

If not, just make sure you get the money back off her and stop paying her to do jobs for you.

Agree with this

Actions have consequences = she wont be offered other work

The way adults conduct relationships with other adults in situations like this is taking legal action of some sort - I’m sure that isn’t something you would advise.

Being an adult means facing consequences.