WTF! Mums friend called to lecture me and tell me off!? PART 2

[Meganandbaby]

Ok so this very bizarre.

so I made a post on here about how my mums friend (not even close friend, someone she has coffee with couple times a year) called and angrily told me off and shamed me about a private family decision. And began telling me what to do.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5563138-mums-friend-called-me-to-lecture-me-shame-me-and-tell-me-off-and-telling-me-what-to-do

(it was about deciding to use some of our savings for private nhs treatment as waiting list was too long. Another was about my sister buying a home and us using some of our big savings for deposit gift, she said that’s idiotic because we can get a council home instead, (why she thinks she would even be eligible for council home I have no idea)

i ended up blocking her.

I now find out she called my brother and began interfering in another family situation. This is even more bizarre!

So my brother became disabled.

she angrily demanded he make my mum his carer so she can retire 2 years earlier and doesn’t have to work and can stay home?

And to apply for council house so my mom can go live with him in this council home and doesn’t have to privately rent??

using same very angry language lecturing him like a child such as “have you no shame” your poor overworked mother suffering because of you” “you are being a burden to your mom” “you like living like this don’t you” “don’t get offended” “no offence”

”you know sometimes healthy people live shorter lives than sick people” “your mom is going to end up dying because you refuse to help her!!!!!”

my brother shocked and startled, (she was very, very angry with angry face pointing finger at him) blurted out he can’t as he has very large savings and he works to get her to leave him alone, to which she replied, I TOLD YOU ALREADY GET RID OF THEM! Quit your job!! TO SAVE YOUR MOTHER!

Now, other than being shocked I’m also extremely weirded out and confused. Because this makes no sense!

why does this woman think my brother qualifies for a council house for simply being disabled? you need to have a need

for carers You must care for the individual for a minimum of 35 hours weekly which she doesn’t do? Not even close to that amount. And even if she did my mom never told him she wants this?

i spoke to my mum and she said other than complaining that she is very tired from working, and that she has been struggling with some health issues and has a 2 years to go till state pension she never said anything else to to this woman.

This woman she said few times advised since her son is disabled, he should apply for disability (she never told her if he gets it or not ) so he “can make mum his carer” so my mum can retire early?

and if he is disabled he can apply for council house so my mum can come live with him and doesn’t have to pay expensive private rent?

My mum told her they have no plans to do this and it’s not how it works at all but she wouldn’t listen and keep suggesting this.

i guess she decided to take matters into her own hands?

But my mum is not caring for my brother at all? And she’s not been financially supporting him either? At all?

he doesn’t need any care or any financial help

that’s what makes no sense

I think this woman either has dementia or some other mental health issue. I haven’t RTFT but does she live alone or have someone caring for her? I’d have a word with them. This isn’t normal behaviour, and she could be a risk to herself or others.

What the....?! She's obviously severely mentally ill. Sorry you're going through this.

Why are you so unwilling to report it to the police and see what they do? If they ‘don’t care’, you’re no worse off than you currently are.

I spoke to my mum and she said other than complaining that she is very tired from working, and that she has been struggling with some health issues and has a 2 years to go till state pension she never said anything else to to this woman

But she has, hasn't she, otherwise the woman wouldn't know even the few details she does

Probably they enjoy having a good moan to each other, but that shouldn't affect you or your brother, so carry on with the block on ALL phones and leave everything else between the two of them

Your Mum needs to cut contact with this woman. Your Mum mentions she's tired etc, and this woman has made up a narrative, that suits her, so she can berate you and your brother. Any small piece of information your Mum provides this woman, will be blown out of all proportion.

No one can simply 'get a council house', it doesn't work that way at all. This woman is ignorant beyond belief, and clearly believes her own narrative.

Your brother needs to block this woman's number, the same as you have. Hopefully, if she has no means of contacting you both, you'll not hear from her again.

I agree with this. She is unwell in some way. Send her a very polite message saying you will contact the police if she contacts you again. And then block.

Police will care enough to go and have ‘a little chat’ . It might just warn her off

Ooohhh!

Contact the son and if he isn't helpful, then call the police. What she's doing is stalking.

@Meganandbaby

So here's the thing. Sometimes it doesn't matter why someone is doing something. It only matters that it needs to stop. And 99% of the time you can't stop them by having some sort of conversation with them about why what they're doing isn't not needed or required.

So stop trying to understand. Just take what actions you can. Block her and keep blocking her. Do not answer the door to her (Ring doorbells are wonderful!). Speak to the police, they may not be able to actually do anything, but I'm sure they'll have suggestions.

As this point you probably don't know with 100% accuracy what your mother may be telling her. She may be telling her a 'smidge' that she's inflating in her mind to some sort of 'disaster'. Or she may be unloading and oversharing to the nth degree. You can insist to your mum that you and your brother's names and your business are never to be mentioned. But the best thing you can to is to keep your business strictly to yourself.

All of this is hard, I know. But at this point you need to put up as many roadblocks as possible between this woman and you and your brother and shutdown any 'conduits of information' you can. And yes, call her son and tell him that his mother is causing you and the rest of your family severe distress and that you may have to 'take it further' if she doesn't stop. Don't suggest what he should do or exactly what you might do, just inform him of the situation and of your decision.

I posted this before but it sounds like she .ay have dementia. Id you know her family could you explain what she's doing. Block her number too.

my mum tried to tell her there needs to be a need to get a council home such as being evicted

Your mum is not handling well with her. Rather than telling her she does not want to talk about these matters, she is making it sound like she would like to get a council home but knows they are not eligible.

My mum told her they have no plans to do this and it’s not how it works at all

Also when ‘friend’ suggested your dh is disabled, so he can apply for council house and your mum lives with him. Her response was ‘this is not how it works at all’. Why can’t she bluntly say that she does not want such suggestions.

She sounds EUPD

The first thing that came to my mind was Baby Reindeer! She sounds a lot like the character Martha (or the actual woman Martha was based on). Fantasists like her certainly walk amongst us; she has probably twisted an off-hand comment that your mother has made whilst probably venting and twisted it into her own narrative. She could perceive herself as the hero in the narrative she has created, possibly as a form of escapism from a life of mundanity.

It is unsettling in itself that she saved your brother's number from years ago. Collate as much evidence as you possibly can with dates and times etc and tell her in no uncertain terms that she is harassing you and that you will be contacting the police if she contacts either of you again. Playing devil's advocate, is it possible that your mum isn't entirely blameless in this scenario? Is there any chance that she has had a good old bitch to one of her friends over coffee about you?

She did. she told my mum she’s being stupid refusing to listen to her.

right after i got that first very ANGRY aggressive phone call to me how

“YOU REFUSE TO LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!” “your family enjoys suffering” “you like living like this don’t you” “you are being stupid” ”do as I told you!!!” “Your mom won’t listen, so you got to do it! Your poor mother! HAVE YOU NO SHAME” with like super angry face

I guess she thought if she can’t get my mum she can pressure her kids into this doing this by shaming and verbally attacking us like this?

Either this woman has got too much time on her hands, or she is unhinged.
Either way...
BLOCK
BLOCK
BLOCK
😠
In no way should this woman be speaking to you or any of your family in this manner. 😠

@Meganandbaby do you have a baby? Is that why your username?

Erm. It sounds like she is having some sort of mental health episode. If you're in contact with a family member, could you mention it and see if she can get some professional help?

This was my thought too.

@Meganandbaby

Old or not, I think it’s time to call the Police.

Maybe put other precautions in place too, ring doorbell for mum that records for instance. Police could probably advise on things to do.

Yep, thinking that

loss of inhibitions is one of first things….like inhibitions are the last bit of brain development to happen as late as 20-23

this isn’t normal to be approaching/phoning what are at best vague acquaintances, the social “risk” of doing this is too great

OK, I mentioned it before upthread - if you won't go to the Police, please call your local Adult Services and ask for a welfare check. It sounds like dementia and/or serious mental illness.

Is there any likelihood that, in her increasing rage at your refusal to "obey" her, she might take direct action? And hurt someone?

I'm beginning to find it a challenge to understand why you are not doing anything about this woman and her harassment, seemingly, apart from expressing your frustrations on here. People like this can and do hurt people if their rage and demands are not met. Is your mother continuing to see this lady? Why? If so, she is adding to the problem, whatever she does or doesn't say. Indulging her with her company is a tacit acceptance of what she is saying/doing.

What actions are you actually taking, at the moment, to put a stop to this and hopefully get this lady the help that she so very clearly needs?