AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

I would give the dog back here. I'm a single parent who has been through a divorce. The kids have had a massively destabilising time. Moved school, house, country and now they are in a split home and I'm guessing won't see much of dad. I would do it for the kids sake -and say this as a dog lover.

The dog has a better life with you and your other dog. With her it will on its own a lot. It is a no brainer, keep the dog.

I wouldn’t give my dog up unless I had exhausted all other avenues first. Why didn’t they fly the dog out to their new country? Most loving pet owners do this. Like you say - they are not toys. Unless it’s an extremely long haul flight which would be detrimental to the dog’s health. Most people in Europe for example would drive, over a few days, to take the dog with them. How far was the country?

Your sister has acted terribly in terms of the dog.

You could be the bigger person here? You are technically ‘in the right’ but come on. Is this really just about the dog, but about history and dynamics between you and your sister? Only you know the answer to that.

yes seems like quite a few people haven't RTFT but what else is new?

Sometimes what is "right" in terms of who owns the dog may not be the best overall for your family. If I was you, I would prioritise my relationship with my sibling but I don't know how your relationship is with her so can't say I'd do that in your shoes with any great certainty. Does she always get her own way? Do you feel your parents tend to "favour" her over you? There is a lot to think about here. How will it impact not just your relationship with your sister but your children's relationship with their cousins? And just to say, I have no idea how any of this would impact a dog so only advice is to think carefully about it before making a firm decision because stuff like this tends to fester through the years.

Edit: This is tricky as I have read all your posts so can see why you're irritated by their request.

its not at all about "being the bigger person" its about the dog and what is best for the dog.

I think given the age of the dog I would give it back to them. 7 months is is a lot shorter than 3.5 years and the family have had a lot of upheaval with splitting from their dad and moving country twice.
Obviously they did not want to give up the dog in the first place, so clearly they really care for the dog.
In this situation I would give them back the dog.

Well if you must insist on drip-feeding 🙄

Also - if she’s now a single parent the dog will
likely not get its needs fully met. I imagine your sister needs less expenses, more time to organise and parent her kids alone, and time to work/find a job. It’s very hard to fit a dog into that when you are newly split and working life out again.

I think your sister has made a bit of a clanger asking for the dog back. Given she agreed to hand it over to you permanently.
She has put the cat among the pigeons unnecessarily.

This is the crux of it really. It's all very well saying prioritise the dcs, prioritise the poor sister, etc, but all of that reduces the dog to a commodity.
The dog is not a commodity it's a living creature with its own needs. And reading all of @WatchTheStormTouchDown 's posts it glaringly obvious that those needs are better met with her, not by passing ddog back to her sister.

have you read the OP's post about how the dog behaved when it saw the sister again?

this absolutely

Perhaps the OP’s sibling could prioritise her relationship with the OP by not asking for the dog back and causing a whole heap of stress.
And be grown up enough to explain to the children that no, they cannot have dog back but they can get a new one instead.

Sorry quoted incorrectly !

The neglect on the eye issue is the nail
in the coffin for me. Keep him.

OP are you absolutely sure that there’s no chance of a reconciliation between your sister and her husband, which would result in them leaving again. Because that really wouldn’t be fair on the dog, or anyone else for that matter.

You sound very judgemental of your sister and her decisions. She made a mistake but you do not know what kind of pressure she was under by her now ex husbad. It must have taken enormous courage to admit the move was a bad idea and bring her DCs home.

You have only had the dog for 7 months. Imagine what comfort the dog would bring to your sister, as a single mum it would be good for her to have someone to sit with in the once her DCs have gone to bed. I don't know what the situation is with thier father but if he has contact it could be lonely being without her DCs. Your kids will be upset, but they have another dog and they have thier parents, they haven't been through what your niece and nephew have been through, this would be a good lesson in compassion. Plus it sounds like if you keep the dog you will permanently fracture your family's relationship with your wider family which is going to impact your DCs.

Personally I would give an ultimatum that if they take the dog back it will be on the understanding that you will never speak to them again as it will break your kids hearts.

How can you not give him back? I’d be devastated if that was my dog (poodle owner) They’ve only been gone a few months! If you’d taken in what you thought was a stray and then his owners tracked him down, would you refuse to give him back because your children liked him?

The dog’s bond is still with its original family. You can get your family a dog if you want one. Don’t take your sister’s. IMO it’s cruel - both to her and her family and to the dog who will be ecstatic to see them.

We have always had a great relationship. I didn’t agree that her moving was a good idea , neither did family and friends, but it was her choice. Our parents are desperate to make things better for her, as am I, but we differ on what doing that is and it’s causing a problem.

The dog has a better quality of life with us. If he goes back, he will be on his own when my sister works other than a dog walker coming in for a 30 minute walk. Here he has constant company of humans and another dog, more walks and exercise etc.

Here we are. This is your real reasoning. You didn’t agree with her moving and now it’s backfired for her, you’re looking to make a point.

She and her kids had dog for 42 months. Versus your 7 months.

You want to keep her dog regardless. It’s telling that the rest of the family support her in having it back.

Your sister is going through a VERY difficult time, and your response is “well you signed it over so it’s mine!”.

Rather than what a good sister would do, which would probably be more like “get yourself settled and if you guys would still like it back, that’s fine. We’ll really miss it, and we feel it’s already part of our family, but I appreciate you must feel this even stronger having had her from a puppy. I hope you’re alright sis, I know what struggle this must be for you”.

Kicking your sister when she’s down is a low blow.

You haven’t read the thread.

And this kind of overreaction is why so many Mners struggle with relationships and friendships. Why on earth would the OP do this? She'd be losing both her dog and her relationship with her sister and her sister's children!

Run that by me again? You don't need a husband to look after a dog. If anything, now she has dropped the DH she may have more headspace for the dog.