AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

I don’t think that’s true. We’ve lived all over. People can and do bring dogs. They should have thought about this before they made the call to abandon the dog in the first place.

In theory I would want to give the dog back for the kids sake - they’ve had to get rid of their beloved dog, leave their school, leave their home, leave their country, move to a completely new home, country and school and now their mum and dad have separated and they’ve had to do all move back - all within a few months.

That’s incredibly difficult for anyone to cope with and I completely understand why your sister has focused on telling them that at least they’ll get their dog back.

However it sounds as though your sister will find it challenging to have the dog back and she’s going to make her life harder because she wants her kids to be happy.

How far away do you live?
Could you speak to her and say how she’s going to make more work for herself etc.
I would encourage her to have the kids take the dog back to theirs on a regular basis and walk it and play with it etc but not have it permanently.

That way you pay for everything, have none of the worry and they get all the fun.

Don't give the dog back, @WatchTheStormTouchDown. He sounds so very happy and settled and not only could it cause distress to the dog, but also to your other dog and children. I totally agree with you 100%. Yes it is sad that your sister's plans did not go as she expected, but that's not your fault, or the dog's fault. He is yours now if she transferred ownership etc. I'm sure Judge Judy would back you up here also 😉

She considered it but ultimately didn’t go ahead with it. It doesn’t fit with your view that she wants to pass her dog round like a toy - people consider many things in life. You really don’t like your sister, do you?

I can only go on what I’ve seen on the 3 visits she has made. He really wasn’t very fussed with them. If I thought he would be happier with them, I would consider him going back as upsetting as it would be. I firmly believe he is happier with us and has a better quality of life having more company, more walks, another dog, rarely being left with is working from home etc. We have also paid for an issue with his eye that my sister had left, he gets groomed more regularly etc.

I have done all this including returning early and having to put the dog in quarantine. I still say that the OP should keep the dog. Her sister agreed to the terms and its not like the dog hasn't settled or is having an awful life. I suspect that the sister is having a bit of a knee jerk reaction to the family break up and it will add to her her responsibilities in a way that will not benefit her life or the dog's.

She should get a smaller poodle that better suits her new life.

Based solely on your comment about where he seems to be happier , I’d keep him with you.
If you were unsure about which environment he prefers or he had reacted differently to your sister , I might say differently.
it’s a really difficult situation , I see both sides but I think the dog gets to decide !

The dog has made its feelings clear. They can get a new dog. You might end up with that one too

She actually would have done this????? FFS KEEP THE DOG

You should give him back.

Firstly, for the dog - he’ll be more closely bonded to your sister and kids having been with them 3.5 years from a puppy.

Secondly, for your sister and kids - they’ve been through a lot and lost their husband/dad. Give them their dog back!

He is our dog.

It isn’t my fault that the decisions my sister makes don’t prioritise her children and dog. We make decisions that’s are best for our children and dogs, always have and always will.

OP I think anyone reasonable looking at the full circumstances, including your updates, would conclude that the dog is obviously better off with you.

I get that your sister and her kids have had a rough time, but this is surely about what is in the dog's best interests? Animals don't exist for the convenience of humans. I actually think your sister is being selfish and bang out of order in asking you to return him to her, especially as the dog himself appears to have moved on emotionally. You are doing the right thing by the dog and to me that's what's most important

Well how do you see family dynamics going forward if you don't give the dog back? It's going to be incredibly awkward and I don't think your sister or niece and nephew will forgive you.

I totally understand why you would want to keep him and he is yours legally but for the sake of family piece I think I would give him back. Totally horrible situation with no winners but be the bigger person and if she is now single she may realise that she can't actually keep the dog

So your sister has lost her husband, your nieces and nephews have lost their father. They presumably won’t be seeing him much if he’s living in another country. You have the chance to do one thing to make this a little easier and less traumatic for them. Give the kids their dog back

Your sister needs to get a new dog if she wants one.
Your one is now yours and stays with you.
She agreed to give the dog permanently to you. By now saying can we go back on that is very unfair on you, your family and the poor dog. Who won’t know if it is coming or going.
A new dog is needed for her.

Agree with all PPs saying he should stay with you.

Out of interest, where did they move that they felt they couldn't take a standard poodle with them? The answer to that might colour my view of them, just a little, but regardless, the dog should stay with you!

If she didn’t care enough about the dog to take it with them, then the dog is clearly better off with you.

Given that you seem to have already made your mind up, I'm not really sure why you asked. What was the point?

I feel for the niece and nephew and would consider them priority for the dog. Your family
will be sad understandably but you have the stability to manage this. This could be what your sister’s kids need in order to settle after an upheaval.

I can see why she wants it back. But the point is that the agreement was made and ownership changed so that should be that.

Thank you for this.

I have suggested to my sister that she moves closer to us and other family here to have more support because at the moment she is too far away for us to help much. I’ve said that if she moves we can have the children after school, help her out with the kids in other ways and they can see the dog daily. She could increase her hours if she wanted to. We are very willing to help if she is here.

I've read all your posts OP and 100% the dog should stay with you for his sake.

The dog should be the priority, not the children. A dog is not a posession, it is a part of a family. His original family left him behind and he is now being taken care of and deserves to be prioritised.

I suspect this might be more about the OP’s relationship with her sister as much as anything. 😊

I’m team ‘keep the dog’ though.