AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

I wouldn’t be that surprised if they always planned on asking/pressuring you to give the dog back when they got back. If she’d stayed 3 years I think they’d have still come back and said the same about it helping the children settle back etc etc.

I’d keep the dog with you. You had an agreement, ownership was transferred and that is that. One set of children are going to be upset, why should it be yours, when you knew this would happen so agreed to take the dog on the understanding if would be permanent.

After seven months, a dog has learned to feel secure in its new home and it is very unfair and unkind to move it again.

I’d be keeping a tight hold of the dog in case any visiting family member would decide to grab hold of the dog and bring it back to your sister.

How old is the dog, and how long had they had him before they left ? I think I’d return him, console your children they will still get to see him, and get a dog of your own.

The ownership of the dog was transferred so you are not obligated to give it back and can't be forced to. If they wanted to keep the dog, they should have arranged for it to travel with them.
I have no advice about how to manage the rest of the family, sorry. It may well sour your relationship with them but that doesn't make giving up the dog the right decision. It's a sentient being and can't be just used as a bargaining chip for the sake of family harmony. A decision has to be made in the dog's best interest which is not to uproot her all over again.

Not the ddogs fault her plans changed. He's happy in his new life.. aren't the family bothered about your dc ?

They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled.

And how old is the dog? And what breed? That's completely relevant here.

I disagree with others that after 7 months a dog will be 'secure' in it's new home. I've known dogs that after 5 years still react like puppies when they see their original owners (I rescue, so I see re-homing a lot).

But honestly, regardless, I would show some compassion. She's lost her husband. Her kids have lost a dog. And the dog is their family. There are often very good reasons (as the wife of a diplomat, I have a lot of empathy for your sisters circumstances) why people leave dogs behind i.e if the climate is not suitable for them. It doesn't mean we don't care.

Definitely keep the dog, it’s absolutely in his best interests. He’s not a commodity or a soft toy.

I completely understand that your sisters DC will be unsettled and upset following a significant period of change, but that’s not the dogs fault.

If I was in your situation there would be a rift in the family whether I gave her the dog or not because if I was pressured into handing over a pet that she had given to me, I would have little if anything to do with her going forward. I would also be casting a critical eye at the other family members who joined in on her behalf.

In your sister's shoes, I might have tentatively asked how you would feel about giving the dog back but once it was clear you didn't want to I would have got my children a new dog. They would have the best of both worlds their - a dog of their own and seeing their old dog when they visited you.

I would offer to fund sister getting a new dog, on the understanding that no matter what happens she will never rehome it.

He is a Standard Poodle. They had him from a puppy to 3 and an half and he’s just had his 4th birthday with us.

I’m definitely not buying them a new dog.

Are Both homes equal for the dog? Similar quality gardens, local walks, time with/without you during the day?

I voted YANBU as you made the rules clear. However, I would do what's best for the dog.

If you did get a new dog your kids would cope with the loss quite quickly.

I agree with @TheHungryHungryLandsharks. He’s not been with you long enough to fully settle.

Sister can acquire a new dog. Yours is settled with you. There will be a rift whatever.

Oh definitely keep the dog OP.
She is being very selfish wanting to uproot him when he is settled with you and your family.
And who is to say that she won't change her plans again and want to offload him a second time?

I'm not sure that I would want to fall out with my whole family over a dog! You've only had him 7 months, they had him for 3.5 years, I would give him back. Get a dog yourselves if you really want one.

If they were planning to live away for three years why didn't they make arrangements to take him with them? If it was for six months then I could understand the reasoning around quarantine etc but there's no excuse not to for three years.

I'm of the same opinion as you though, this is not an object but a sentient, living creature with needs (and fears) of its own. I would keep it too.

In which case, you should return him. A puppy would be very different. But Poodles are incredibly sensitive and bond very closely with their family. I guarantee the second he see's them, he will forget about you.

I get it's hard for you. But it's harder for them.

Sounds like your sister and her kids have had a shit time recently. Why would you not do anything you could to make that better? Give them their dog back.

What does the dog want?

after 3.5years from a puppy he must be closely bonded with your sister and her family

I actually think you are being very unkind but I assume this is reflective of your family relationship

Sister might move back to be with her husband and this would the same scenario. Keep the dawg.

I think you're right not to give the dog back as it will have settled with you and your DC.

However, I think this bit is totally unfair....

"He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change"

She doesn't think he's a toy to be passed around. For goodness sake have some empathy for her and her DC.