AIBU to keep my sister’s former dog after she moved back?

[WatchTheStormTouchDown]

I’ve name changed as this is a very outing situation. I wasn’t sure whether to post in the dog house but opted for here.

My sister moved abroad 7 months ago due to her husband’s work. They were originally moving for 3 years but my sister didn’t settle there so they’ve split up and my sister has come back with her children.

When they were planning to leave, they asked if we would look after their dog temporarily for the 3 years and they would have him back when they returned. We thought it over and said we would only take the dog if it was permanent. We knew our children would get attached to the dog and didn’t want them being upset when the dog had to be returned. They looked at other options but eventually agreed, reluctantly. Microchip/ownership was changed over to us and we pay all costs.

My sister is now back much sooner than planned with her kids and they’ve asked for the dog back. He is our dog now and completely settled in with us. We would all be heartbroken to not have him.

My whole family is piling on guilt and pressure for us to give the dog back. They’re using the kids to emotionally manipulate and saying my sister has enough on her plate with the split and having her dog back would help the children settle back home. They’re also saying that as the dog has only been with us for 7 months, we should give him back as it’s not long enough for him to have settled. My niece and nephew are upset but that isn’t surprising with moving countries, being without their dad and now moving back all within a few months.

We don’t intend to give him back. He isn’t a toy to be passed around when people change their minds and plans change and he has a great life with us. If we don’t give him back, I think it will cause a permanent rift in our family. Are we being unreasonable to keep the dog because we can’t give him up? I don’t believe it’s in his best interests anyway.

Another thing to perhaps consider is what are the arrangements re the dogs care if the dog were to be given back? Would your sister be needing to work? Children’s clubs? Would there be care for the dog in place? Does this compare to his current situation with you? Would he be left alone for hours etc or otherwise?

How selfish of your sister!

My sisters house and garden is smaller, but not small. Our garden is huge. My sister works 3 days and her plan would be to have a dog walker take him out for 30 minutes at lunchtime but he’d be on his own the rest of those days. She’d then also have to leave him to take the kids to activities etc. She is going to be busy as a single mum and doesn’t live near us or other family.

We work from home and our dog is rarely left but he’s happy and settled when left for a couple of hours as we have cameras set up to see him. We have another dog who he adores and they’re very happy together. The both get at least 2 walks a day and a game of fetch at lunchtime. They also go swimming etc.

@Springtimeinsunshine it's not that simple.

We see a lot of people take pets overseas only to have to send them home again as they can't cope with i.e. the change in temperature.

Plus, if your housing situation was changing (I.e you lived in a house before and had to move into a flat) thats another good reason not to take a dog - how is it fair to put a dog that has only ever known a garden into a small flat?

Then you have all the stress of packing, changing countries, registering children in school, getting situated in work (which originally will be very long hours because of wanting to make a good impression), sorting out relevant dog care/walkers etc. Sorting out even basic things like furniture, getting unpacked etc. Those things can take months. It's not as simply as 'take the dog with you.' And even if it was, very often the dog is much better staying where it knows with people who can help.

It's very easy to be judgmental, but taking a dog overseas when you're changing jobs is really not that simple and until you've done it or actually helped someone do it...it's really not something you can begin to understand the complexity of.

We have 2 dogs now. 😉

YABU. They didn't want to give him up, you made them, and now they're desperate to have him back and you're thinking of you not the dog. Of course he will be more bonded yo them than you. Sorry but he will be. You say he isn't a toy to be passed around but that's not what's happening is it, his family who brought him up and loved him want him to come home, having never really wanted to lose him in the first place. His family who are grieving the breakup of a family. In mumsnet lingo, give your head a wobble.

I think you need to look at this from the dogs perspective.

What kind of lifestyle are you offering the dog compared to your sister? What was the dogs routine for the first 3 years of it's life?

Remember, dogs are incredibly loyal and often bond with a specific person at a young age. Just invite your sister round your home for a bit of lunch or a cuppa with the dog beeing there. Observe the dog when she comes and when she goes. Try not to call or restrict or discipline, be as neutral as possible. If the dog wants to go home with your sister let it go...

What about 'shared custody' if you sister lives close enough?

You love the dog more than your sister 🤷‍♀️

it’s not like you would never see the dog again

tbh you come across as feeling quite contemptuous and superior to your sister so the relationship obviously isn’t great

My answer would be a bit different if it was my family. I would give the dog back because however much I'd love the dog, I definitely love my sister and her kids more. However my sister wouldn't have asked for the dog back. I'd just offer it in the hope that it would help an awful situation.
Your family dynamic sounds a bit different to mine though.

YABVU. They chose him, raised him from a pup and love him as much as you do and possibly more. They are also a broken family who needs their dog.

Not a dog, their dog; an important member of their family for 3 years.

The kids are having to adapt to being back in the UK without their father, and your sister must be really struggling too. I don't see how you claim the dog has irrevocably settled into your home in 7 months, yet your nieces and nephews can just adjust to being back in the UK without their dad or their dog and be absolutely fine. Those children have trauma and need their dog.

I understand your point of view. Is there anyone else in the family who will consider what sort of life the fig would have with you sister and speak up for the dog?

He has seen them 3 times. The first time he was a little excited for a minute and then went back to lie on the sofa with our other dog. The second time he stayed in the garden and wouldn’t go to her when she called him as he was playing with my son and other dog. The third time she tried to take him on a walk and he wouldn’t leave the house without my husband. 😞

If he had seemed to want to be with them, we would have been more likely to think more about it but he didn’t.

So she wants it back to be Home Alone a lot ? stuff that ..

And what happens the next time she decides to move abroad and leave the dog behind? She chose a life abroad over her commitment to the dog. She then agreed to transfer ownership to you - she didn't have to do that, if the dog meant that much to her she should have stayed in the UK. She made a choice and choices have consequences. I think you are absolutely right to keep the dog.

In the minority here but agree with you and @Shellityhorn

Sister’s circumstances have changed - show some compassion. OP’s children may be upset but sister’s DC will be too, losing part of their extended family (father and dog). The fact that there’s no ‘legal obligation’ to return is sort of nearly here nor there

Your sister is back in the UK now, what if you give the dog back and then , maybe ( don't know the circumstances obvs) she decides to give living abroad another go , what happens then ?

I took on a friend's dog when she her partner moved in and her partner was allergic to her DDog ( she was pressured tbh in hindsight) I only took DDog on on the understanding she was then "my" dog , they split up after 2 years sadly but she was true to her word and dog is still with me , though she takes DDog out for walks occasionally.

Just to say - before your post is promptly deleted and MNHQ put you on the naughty step - I tend to agree

I am speaking as a dog owner who gave their dog to their parents during my divorce and having a job that would not be conducive to having a dog (and not enough £ to pay a dog walker). My dog was settled with my parents very quickly and even if my circumstances now changed I wouldn’t ask for her back as this would be utterly confusing for her and my parents would be devastated! We visit and adore my dog but she has a new home now. Keep the dog. X

Ouch, this is a tough one. I think the toughest dilemma I've ever seen on here.

I dont think you're being unreasonable. I do think your family is to put this pressure on you as a quick way of soothing sister while she is going through a lot. You had an agreement that the dog change of ownership would be permanent.

As a compromise, could you offer to help your sister in other ways while she gets back on her feet? E.g. childcare, her DC could help walk your dog, meal prep etc.

No decision like this should be rushed and personally I would give your sister time to adjust to her new life. Without a dog for now at least.

What about your kids getting upset that their dog is being taken away from them? That's your dog you keep it.

One of the other options they were considering for him when they moved was some sort of a dog share among 3 sets of friends where one set had him for 2 weeks and then he would go to the next lot of friends. She’d didn’t do it but she did consider it, so I’m very justified in my comments about passing him around like a toy.

Keep the dog, lose your family x

I think you're completely within your rights to keep the dog.

However getting a dog through the puppy and adolescent years is a huge feat and creates a bond, at least on the human side, that is hard to fathom.

I understand why your sister desperately wants the dog back. This must be a time of huge crisis for her.

I left my saintly dog for six weeks once and the family who had her were overjoyed to experience having a dog but completely aware they'd been handed the result of five years of concentrated work and this was a very cushy way to have a dog.

Although you can keep the dog, I would bite the bullet and put in the work with a new puppy yourselves. I think you would find yourselves forming a new bond. And the dog would move back fine, they're right about that. I think you minimise the attachment they feel to suggest they're treating the dog like a toy.

Dogs don't live that long in the great scheme of things. Family ties, or the lack of them, are more long lived and significant in the great scheme of things.