ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

Op tomorrow take him in late if needs be but he needs to go in. Pp has made some good suggestions perhaps the younger could go breakfast club so you can concentrate on getting him to school for the next week. If no then tell the head he will be coming in late once you have dropped little one in. They would rather him be late than not there at all. The longer it goes on the worse it gets. Once he's got a routine hopefully it will get easier.

Absolutely shit advice trotted out to us as well.

How about we make secondary school better and not fail 20 to 30% of kids? DD2 liked primary school. Why should secondary school be so different, such an unforgiving, toxic and harsh environment? I'd like to see grown adults try it as pupils these days and see how they get on.

Ask if there's a teaching assistant who could meet him and take him to a quiet space if needed. I think you do need to be physically going with him if he won't go by himself. Either use childcare, maybe breakfast club, for your younger child and drop him first, or see if you could take your year 7 later? I think it's really important that you make him going in tomorrow your top priority as the more the other year 7s start the timetable and get to know each other, the more your son will feel left out and not want to go.

No chores, 8.30 to 3 is education time. And if he finds he enjoys doing schoolwork at home, as you did, it’s a win as there’s the Oak academy and a ton of home learning websites and resources. If he doesn’t want to sit at a table for 6 hours, he can go to school where he’ll get break time and lunch time. One way or the other, he needs to be in education pronto.

Do not let him get to the point where he thinks hard or difficult or uncomfortable is somehow optional or before you know it he’ll be a 25 year old bum keeping vampire hours, online all night and lazing about all day.

you aren't being judged but you really should of practiced the route on the bus over the summer.

Quite.
I wonder when the last time OP worked, or if having children is the career choice.

And since when is it someone else’s responsibility to provide transport to get your child to school?

You gave in too easily. I'd have matched him up to school and handed him over to a member of staff if necessary. The more mornings you let him dictate the agenda the harder he'll find it to eventually go.

You probably don’t have a special needs child. There’s no reasoning with them and discipline doesn’t work.

@dinosaursroars please ignore all the horrible people on this thread who clearly have no clue.
They will never understand how hard it is.
My daughter frequently refused to go both at primary and Year 7.
We literally had a stand-off where she refused to move for over an hour.
Beyond physically dragging her (not going to do that) there was nothing I could do.
Our situation is a bit different because COVID came along halfway through Year 7 so the help that had just begun all ground to a halt.
Ask the school (SENCO/Head of Year) for help and keep asking.
Make them know you are desperate for help and they need to help your son.
I hope it gets better for you.
🙂

Excellent, caring response. Off you go, son, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. See you at four.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Kindly, I think it would make a difference if you could focus only on him.

You could have run after him and more easily kept him safe

You could have gone home, had a drink and snack and tried again 30 mins later on the next bus

You could have called the school and asked for help

You wouldn't have had to take your 5yo to school and could have focused on helping ds get dressed

You’ve got 4 kids with no dads around and you think that makes no difference in how you are able to parent the older children? And the resources you are able to provide for them?

I’m a single parent. Became a single parent with 2 kids. I have dated, and now have a long term partner. Still made sure I didn’t get pregnant again, because my oldest is autistic and I knew the 2 children I had would need all I could give them to ensure they had a great start in life.

I think many of us of us have noticed the effect of this thinking in our society.

Are you suggesting that society was better when more people hit their dc?

I don’t know what the answer is but let’s be honest, young people today have had the easiest, gentlest upbringing historically speaking and now we have a record high of young people unable to enter the workforce due to mental health, or SEN, autism, adhd etc. It is unsustainable and at some point, we have to look at the gentle parenting and constant allowances being made and figure out if we are actually doing them a disservice.

And how would physically assaulting our DC help with mental health, SEN, autism or adhd?

I wonder when the last time OP worked, or if having children is the career choice

What a spiteful, pointless comment. Literally no reason to say other it other than to try to land a blow.

What does it say about your own life, that you sit and type out a small, mean comment like this to a struggling parent reaching out for advice?

I’m quite a believer than a lot of parents who claim SEN, are just bad parents.
I have an autistic kid - clear as day to anyone who speaks to him. But I also know half my son’s school has parents saying, “oh, my child is autistic” when no, actually, you’re just a bad parent with zero boundaries and your kid is a product of that. Some kids have never heard the word no, and then parents wonder why they are uncontrollable.

Ablism. Child abuse. Seriously, this is your best suggestion?

Did you miss the bit about this child having autism? You inappropriate dinosaur. Serving no purpose here, except to make the op feel even worse.

My eldest is an autistic (former) school refuser and we stopped at 2 dc so we could give her the attention she needed. For five years my only priority has been getting her to school in the morning and nt ds has been taken by dh/neighbours/grandparents/uber now he’s older.

as per previous posters, you don’t give up. You try again, you go in at break time, lunch time, anything. Any school attendance is a win. You work with the head of year and safeguarding team (at DD’s school, refusal is a safeguarding not a disciplinary issue) and work out an action plan for getting your son in and keeping him there and getting to the root of the anxiety.

a diagnosis is not a golden ticket it’s bloody hard work for the parents and exhausting parenting. We have CAMHS support and also pay thousands for private help but it largely comes down to me working on actively parenting with 100% of my attention.

you urgently need help with the younger two dc so you can focus on your son.

Tell me you are uneducated and narrow-minded without saying those words.

🙄😡

OP, I’m sorry for the lack of empathy and understanding you have received from some on here that years ago when MN was set up, would ordinarily have supported you. Sadly the world of keyboard warriors and bullies has changed for the worse. As others have said, an EHCP is an absolute priority as is a slow transition consisting of halfdays if possible. Wishing you well x

Late in is far better than not in, OP. Taking him on the bus after dropping off at the primary school will also allow you to practice the bus with him. Take him in his home clothes if he put his uniform on.

The more he misses at the beginning, the harder it will be to give him the sense of belonging and contributing that makes kids go to school. At the moment everyone is new, so friendships are open and shifting. If he misses this, it will be much harder to make friends.

To be honest, if someone has to miss school it should be your 5 year old, not your 11 year old. This is especially true if this is not your 5 year old's first time at school. You need to prioritise getting your DS settled in Secondary.

You have very outdated, uneducated views.

Nope. We have an epidemic of navel gazing, gentle parents who are completely oblivious to how they are shaping their children. And then wonder why their kids can’t cope in totally normal scenarios like school.

Is your child autistic because of your poor parenting?