ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

Talk to the school about a gradual transition. It's a huge change for him. Maybe he needs to start just going in to the office after school starts, build up to going in to first lesson after form or lunch, then joining break times, gradually lengthening the days until he can manage a full day and then managing the bus alone. Definitely get the application in for the EHC needs assessment ASAP.

Wtf you obviously do not have a child with additional needs!!

Have a little bit of heart. OP has her hands full with a teenager, a 5YO and a baby plus the 11YO. Imagine getting that lot out the door. She needs a medal not derision. OP try and meet with HOY and/or SENCO. Could your DS go to school after others have gone one afternoon? Hopefully you can get a graduated programme in place to ease him in. Good luck xx

I think your worry might also be in the mix here. As others have said the anxiety will build and get worse if he is out for whole days.

You need to speak to the SENCO OP, did you have any transition time with them? They should be able to work with you on a plan. I would definitely try to get him in for a few hours this afternoon if you can to avoid it building up more

And ignore the 'advice' from people completely ignorant about special needs and advocating for abusing your kid...

OP ignore the 'he's 11 he should do as he's told' crowd. They clearly have NO idea about ASD.

I have grade 5 ASD dc who has been to school a couple of times this term (in Aus) because their anxiety is next level. We started medication 2 months ago and we've seen great improvement, but school is still so overwhelming for them.

What we've just started is going in after first bell, school yard is quiet, kids are settled in class, so the external chaos the sets my dc off is minimal. Can you ask for some adjustments for your dc?

Ignore the posts from people who don’t understand what it’s like to have an ASD child. The start and end of term are often difficult for ASD children. Speak to Head of Year and find out what support they can provide. It can often be starting a bit later to avoid the hustle and bustle at the start of the school
day, a trusted teacher or friend meeting him at the gate or going straight to a quiet space.

You haven’t failed him by not making him go. He can’t help how he feels and sometimes you do have to listen. Keep communication open with the school and this will get sorted. It’s a big change for him.

Yes that always works really well. 🙄

My first instinct with DD2 at that age was that she will be nervous but will settle in after a few days, and we just forced her to go in, as advised by school.

But it doesn't work. She started having panic attacks and ran away, both from school and from home, on the way to school. She was 5'7" already aged 11 and it was a physical fight to get her on the bus/ in the car/out of the car at the other end. It nearly broke our relationship entirely. She thought we didn't love her any more and that we hated her for not going to school.

Forcing them does not work and is now not advised by anyone who knows what they are taking about, when you are dealing with SEN.

We have a great relationship now, by the way, she did some GCSEs at home and is 17 now. It was a very difficult few years because she did want to actually try to go to school up to Y9 but a lot of the time couldn't manage it. College wasn't for her, she gave it a go, but she is working full time and is a very good and reliable employee, not one day off sick in a year. It really was just secondary school that was the problem. She had been great all through primary school, no attendance issues at all and got very good reports, so it was a real shock.

Dad needs to take some AL and help here. This is too much for one person to manage.

You need to speak to the senco asap. They will probably suggest a soft start where you take him in later. You should have been meeting with them both with your son and independently in year six to come up with strategies. It's hard. I've been there with both my children but you do need to work with the school.

Oh well I can tell you know fuck all about autism 🙄

DD has ASD so I get it.

Call the SENCO and ask them for immediate support. They should have had him in last term and made a plan he was happy with. Although I appreciate all plans can go to pot on the day!

I had a very similar situation with my son last year when he first started year 7. I would have to walk him to reception where he would cry and shout.( and was not the only child doing this.) Then we had to wait for a member of staff to just take him on the building. Which then made me late for work .He missed so many lessons the first few weeks where he was going to see the school nurse faking illnesses to try and get sent home. The school ended up paying for social worker to do a anti anxiety counselling course over six weeks and they really helped him. He still has the odd day where he doesn't want to go to school. But it got so much better after the first half term.

He has his first day of year 8 tomorrow and so far hes looking forward to his friends knocking for him in the morning so they cant walk in together.

Agree the longer this goes on, the worse it will get. You need to engage the school in the transition - meeting him at the gate, just stating for first lesson? Etc. Can you ask him what he’s worried about? Lessons, friends, getting told off? I’d be the squeaky wheel and be emailing/calling school until something is put in place.

Agree an EHCP would be helpful but even kids w EHCPs can refuse school.

'Walloping your arse' clearly didn't do your critical thinking and world view one scrap of harm, did it?

Even if you lack basic compassion, you really should at least have more common sense than this.

The problem at DD2's school was the SENCOs already had so many kids to deal with. Even after DD got her diagnosis we were never offered a meeting with them in the three years she was there.

He needs to be in, whether it is on time or late, as I expect the issues will be a lot less once that barrier is crossed.

It sounds very difficult. You need to put the baby in child care asap if it’s affecting your ability to get your elder child to school.

My autistic child lasted two weeks of Year 7 and we never got her back after that - she is now in an alternative provision part time - being funded via her EHCP

sorry op - mainstream is not for many autistic kids I have realised. It's simply too overwhelming and the family style support of primary vanishes.

Inclusivity is a pipe dream.

@dinosaursroarscan I suggest you ask for this to be moved to the SEN board?

i have yet to meet an autistic child who was able to go through secondary school with no EHCP and no school refusal. A lot of autistic kids are fine at primary but secondary is a whole other board game.

Tread carefully because it’s his mental health at stake.

Why are you teaching him that if he makes a scene he gets to go home rather than go to school?

He goes to school - end of. No if's or buts.

Why can't his dad take him if you can't?

it's absolute bollocks Im afraid that 'crossing the barrier' will fix his probllems.

This may be a child who had a lot of invisible support and structure in primary that is now gone. He is expected to move between lessons/ teachers/ through anonymous busy corridors. Whatever they 'say' in their sen bullshit promises, the teachers will not have time to understand that there are autistic kids in their classes of 30 children.

Unless you have an autistic child who has been through this please don't respond to the OP.

Please consider homeschooling and try to get a place in a special school. I am ASD and refused to go to school in the 70s, because I had massive social anxiety and still have to this day. Things were different then and I ended up in care but by then I was 15. My ASD son who is now 35 hated school, he didn't refuse to go but even with what was then a statement of special needs and lots of help he still has trauma from his school days.

Where is dad? You’ve got at least 4 kids there, and you cannot manage getting him into school when he is fighting it like this while you have all the kids alone. Dad needs to take a couple of mornings of annual leave and help.

You must get him into school, before it becomes too ingrained that he gets to stay home.

Why didn’t you take him in late, once you got the others all sorted?

Indeed. Well done to the poster who advocates physical violence against a small child with a disability in order to make them comply.

[sarcasm]