ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

It sounds like he is worried about the change rather than school as a concept.

Is there a friend moving up with him? Can you have a chat with their mum, meet up at your house and all walk in together? The other child will already have done two days so will know where to go and what to do, so can show him the ropes.

Or wait for the head of year to call and suggest something. Don't worry, he'll be fine, he just needs to get over the hurdle of the first day.

You haven't failed, it's just a hiccup.

Year 7? Seriously? He's what 10/11? He doesn't get a say in whether he goes to school. He does as he's damn well told, even if I had to drag him there by the bloody ear.

Discipline him. Running in the road wouldn't have occurred to me as my mum would have walloped my arse in front of all my new schoolmate for pulling that sort of shit.

You have presumably dropped the 5yo off now. So just have the baby and DS? If so, I would take him in late. Even if just to have a f2f conversation with head of Y7 or suggest he just goes to 1 class today whilst you wait etc… try and get him there.

Maybe you can ask the school if his brother can walk him to his first class, let him know where he’ll be at break ect. So he has someone to go to if he’s alone or has any questions?

I agree I would take him in late. The longer he doesn't go in, the worse it will get. Can you get someone to look after the baby and younger children tomorrow, so that you can give getting him into school your full attention?

I would think that getting an EHCP sorted would be priority. It sounds like he needs more support from the school and an EHCP is part of the process of getting that sorted. Was he able to manage in primary school without an EHCP? Did they give him any extra support?

It sounds like he needs a plan for how to dial down his anxiety around a new school and new routines. Have you had any support from anyone around how to do this for a child with autism? How to manage change?

You need to get that echp done with emergency. Ask for a slow transition maybe they could do a part time table for a few weeks? Could he get there later than the other kids to take that aniexty away? You need a chat with the senco.

She hasn't fucked their education but I do agree op shouldn't of given in. Should take the others to school and then take him back and try again even if you just make it to the reception and he refuses, you have still made progress as he's got inside the building.

Take him in for the afternoon session. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Have you missed the part where the OP says he has Autism?
Children with autism frequently act like this over things that they are unsure about and they CAN'T HELP IT.

Take him in now. I used to work with children who were school refusers, and the longer you let it go on, the harder it will be for him. He should have just gone in late yesterday, but failing that, he needs to go in today.
What happens if you allow a child to give in to anxiety is, their mind builds the scarey thing up to seem even more worse to justify the fact that they're running away from it.
The longer it goes on, the more awkward it will be for him because everyone else will be that much more settled in.
Take him in, do not accept no for an answer. Accept that you may have to spend the whole day there with you and the baby of need be. The school will have their own preferences for what you do, so just go there and talk to them. But take your son today.

While an EHCP may be a good thing eventually, that can take years to obtain so it shouldn't affect what you're doing now.

Ask to speak with the Senco at school and the attendance officer and ask for help with integration. Mention he is at risk of school avoidance due to his disability. You have to be really proactive with this. This is much better than them chasing you. Email. Keep a paper trail.

Good luck.

Agree with this, don't give him the whole day off, better he goes in really late than not at all. The longer it is before you actually get him through the door, the worse it will get. Can you afford a taxi for a day or two just to get you and him to the gate? Then hopefully staff can help.

The school will help OP - lots of children struggle with transitions, they will have strategies to help you. When you speak to them today ask them to come up with a plan with you for managing his start over the next few days.

Ignore the poster above suggesting child abuse as a solution for your neurodivergent son's very common school anxiety.

Keep pushing the EHCP.

Can you draft in any other adult help for the next couple of weeks? Do you have a friend who can take 5yo in so you can concentrate on your Y7? I would say he needs to be your priority right now. This is too big a problem to put on your eldest's shoulders.

Hopefully HoY will get back to you and they can put in some help eg transition visits to school when it's quiet after hours, or a soft start going in through reception to a safe adult. But it might mean you having to find a way to take him, at least temporarily.

There is an EBSA support thread running on chat.

@dinosaursroars you need to get an echp so he can have a clear plan.
Going in later after the rush might work.
I hope you get some help 🙂

With an asd diagnosis his primary school should have done some sort of handover about him and the support he might need, even if there's no ehcp.

Personally I would try to get him in tommorrow, so that he has the weekend to process before school starts again on Monday. Otherwise Monday will just be really scary again. And discuss with the head of year anything that can be done to help.

I have a new Y7 who is also a school refuser. I just persevere until I can get him in the gates. He’s fine once he’s there. Is he late sometimes? Yes. But I figure late is better than not there at all! You should be attempting to get him in after your 5yo is at school. Meet the Y7 head face to face and also ask for learning support input. Your Y10 is not a parent and I don’t suggest involving him in any plans for getting your Y7 into school, not his responsibility.

Have you had any discussion with the school (primary or secondary) about the transition process.

With my DS who is younger, the school and us as parents do a lot of work at the end of the summer about what's happening next year, who his teacher will be, what classroom etc etc. The transition to secondary is a much bigger transition than from year to year in the same school and may need a lot more planning.

I also agree that long term, going with his older brother on the bus is not appropriate as it places your older child in a very difficult position should your younger DS have any issues.

You can get a clear plan without an EHCP - schools are well versed in dealing with EBSA now and there are lots of things that can be done. You can’t wait for an EHCP - that could take an academic year or more. He needs a trusted adult, to maybe try and visit school after hours so he gets his bearing and someone to go through his timetable and walk him through it. Keep chasing school and ask them to come up with a robust plan for him.

Where is the kid/s dad/s in all of this? Can they take some leave or flexible working to help you get everyone to the right place so you can focus on a child each?
As an autistic adult, the longer things get put off the worse it is/harder it is to do them. Invariably once I'm there I usually find it's not half as bad as I think. So I agree that even if you drop younger child first then go on to take DS to school a bit late, best to get that done.

You're clearly clueless about autism. What a useless comment.

Yes because that's a effective way to get a child with ASD into school drag them

Valid point.
@dinosaursroars you might not get an echp but you definitely need to get him a plan the school can help with.
Speak to the SENCO as soon as you can.
His head of year too.