ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

Yes, my autistic child who is excelling is absolutely the product of poor parenting 🫤.

But the kids who have never been told no, whose parents have zero boundaries or half a dozen kids running around, never supporting through homework or taken to therapy when needed… their problem are all down to autism, nothing to do with poor parenting. Right?

Yes, it’s nothing to do with their parenting. Can I ask where you are getting your information from?

Sorry, no. All the thugs running around on e-scooters and ebikes, who used to be the kids who refused to go to school and disrupted every class and failed every test are not all autistic. They had shit parents.

We have an epidemic of young adults claiming they are unable to work, and it coincided with a huge rise in gentle parenting and lack of boundaries and no discipline. That’s not autism. That’s shit parents.

OP needs to get her kid into school.

Where are you getting your information from?

Strongly suggest that you ask the school for help asap

OP people have been telling you to be firmer with those boys since you got pregnant with the 5th one. Engage with social services and give them routine and discipline. It's a shame that you have chosen to spread yourself so thin, your children are suffering for it.

Can't you get the father to look after your younger dc whilst you sort the school refuser out?

It kind of is relevant as you are saying you can’t handle him near the roads because you have the other two to watch, you couldn’t get him to school because you were taking the 5 year old. It’s more kids than you can handle.

How did you expect him to manage on the bus if he runs into the road with an adult?

OP - going forward I would recommend you post in the SEN boards. Be specific about the questions/ topics you need help with to target the information and advice you are receiving. Eg. Questions you should be asking your senco. Tips for homeschooling if you were to decide to go down that route. Get a pen and notebook and start writing down what you need to talk to the school about. Make notes. If there is anything you don’t understand - ask in the SEN board. Make notes of al the great resources people have suggested on here like the Facebook groups. I am not a sen parent but have worked in Sen administration and know there are a lot of parents who could basically write a book on sen and they are probably on those boards willing to help!

by posting in AIBU you are opening yourself up rightly or wrongly for judgement. Your life sounds chaotic and with not enough support so just based off that one post it is easy to wonder why you have had another child when you are clearly stretched, why this wasn’t more prepared ect - but that is a question for you to answer not something you can change so you need to focus on what you need to do moving forward. Just be prepared for it to take up a lot of your time.

He would still be autistic regardless of how many other children you have, but you would be better able to support him if you weren’t spread so thin.

Did he go to any settling in days before summer, has he visited the building at all? Does he have any friends from primary school going to the same secondary school, could you arrange for him to meet with him at the gate so they can walk in together?

Listen my 8 yr old school refuses, he also has 100% attendance, it doesn't change that he's a school refuser and needs to be bodily lifted down the front steps and half carried to school, and he enjoys school when there and is learning and thriving and has friends. If he didn't have those things and was miserable while there I'd struggle to force the issue. Autistic kids are being let down. Kids like my son when I was a teenager had 1-1 in mainstream school, I remember my friends younger brother, who is and was high functioning like my son having a 1-1 all through primary. He has a master's degree now and is also autistic and still needs support. But the supports have been almost completely removed. So kids who could thrive with 1-1 are carefulanaginh to attend

If you didn't have a baby (or the other little one), you would have more money so could potentially pay for taxis or driving lessons/a car, to make the school run easier. Or pay for private therapy.
You'd have more time so could have done lots of practice journeys with him and you wouldn't have needed to give in on the first attempt yesterday. You could have taken your time and got the next bus, or the next or the next, or even tried walking in if it was close enough.
You'd be able to give him more attention so could try and help him work out the issue and support him better. How often can you have 1to1 conversations with him when you're distracted by the other three kids?
Having 1 child is just so much easier for so many reasons. And if the children you already have are struggling (which he obviously is) adding a new child into he mix is only going to make things worse.
Can you honestly say as an only child with much more support and resources he would still have the same issues.

Yes, but she did choose to have the five year old and the baby presumably knowing of the 11 year old’s diagnosis or at least having some clear signs of neurodivergence (in the case of the five year old). When you have multiple children with large age gaps, this sort of situation where you are split impossibly between them will come up more often. OP should not be relying on her 14 year old to look after his brother and manage his EBSA - that is not fair on either of them.

I don’t think this is the poster you’re thinking of

You’ve never had a day when it’s all gone south then?

But if he was an only child you would be able to dedicate a lot more time and effort to supporting him. As it is you appear to have made multiple poor choices - four children with large age gaps with no fathers on the scene and no family support, unable to drive but sending your children to a secondary miles away, not having done any transition / practice runs with your 11 year old. You need to make him your priority now - he really needs you.

Yes, the spacing of the children suggests the OP has deliberately spread them out so she never has to actually get a job…

It is that poster… there are 5 children. But shouldn’t detract that this post should Focus on helping her get support for the third

Absolutely, we all do (although my children have never been late for school in six years but I appreciate I am fortunate that they do not have SEN). The OP, however, has chosen to put herself in a situation where it’s all much more likely to go south every day - she can’t manage the number of children she has safely but continued to have more with no father(s) on the scene or other support, her poor autistic DS is not getting the support he needs because she is distracted with the little ones and her 14 year old is being asked to step into a parental role managing his little brother’s needs. She also sends them to a school a bus journey away when she can’t drive and didn’t bother to practise the journey with her 11 year old over the summer. Poor kids.

I genuinely cannot see OP having the time to start an EHCP assessment process when she can't seem to have the time to take her son to school herself.

You do realise it is usually genetic and not through parenting?

Being honest I can't see OP homeschooling her son being a good idea.

That’s exactly my point. The poster I was replying to said in an earlier post that most autism, adhd etc is actually just bad parenting. Which is obviously not true, and is even more ironic because she herself claims to have an autistic child.

I don't think "dragging by the ear" or "walloping" (aka child abuse) is the answer to any child. OPs child is also ND. My son is 11, almost 12, year 7. He's as tall as me and I couldn't physically "drag" him anywhere. Not that I would because I don't abuse my children.

@dinosaursroars take your 5 year old to school then take your DS into secondary school late. Perhaps agree a later start with the school and an early finish e.g. periods 2 to 4 rather than 1 to 5.

Most schools have an alternative area that anxious kids can go to and get support/do their work. Did you look round the school and go to an SEN viewing?

If he refuses to go then there need to be consequences in place. My DS is Y6 and autistic. If he refuses school then it is books all day. No screens.