ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

[dinosaursroars]

my ds was due to start year 7 yesterday, he’s got asd but no ehcp which i was already concerned about

i don’t drive so he was going to to with his older brother (y10) on the bus but he wasn’t starting until today so I tried to take him yesterday but was also with my baby in the pushchair and my 5yo.

he got ready and everything but when we were walking to the bus stop he kept saying he didn’t want to go and was getting upset and tried to run in the road and it just wasnt safe as it was just me and also trying to keep an eye on my younger children so i gave in and we went home which probbaly wasnt great

Today I had to do the school run for my 5yo so couldn’t take him in and he was going to go with his brother as planned but he just wouldn’t get dressed he kept saying things like he wanted his old school and he didnt want to start a new school etc so again i gave in as he was going to make my other children late

have phones the school and the head of year 7 is supposed to call me today but hasn’t yet

I just feel like a failure already i was already worried about him going to school and how he’d cope but not actually getting him there i didnt think this would be the issue

I wholeheartedly agree. I despair at some aspects of society today.

This is what I was going to suggest. You need to reduce the chaos.

also if at all possible, ask the babies father to take the 5yo to school.

There have always been school refusers but in the past secondary children would leave home and not arrive at school and would be labelled as naughty and not much was done about it. Or quiet, struggling kids would go to school and the struggle would present in different ways.

We have a mental health crisis in the older generations from people living in the days where parents made you go to school whatever. Although it made compliant children at the time I’m not sure it made adulthood better.

I’m lucky that I know if my children said they did not want to go to school I could make them and they’d be happy once there but I’m not stupid enough to think that my own family’s experience is universal.

Same here, not going wouldn’t ever have been an option.

The worry I would have is the other kids in the class are getting to know each other. By this age 'difference' is more noticed and kids are getting to the 'avoid the weird kid' stage, far less accepting.

Like it or not he either needs to get in or you need a plan b.

Also, unauthorised absence is likely to attract fines.

Would it be possible to pop the 5 year old in breakfast club for a few weeks so you can accompany him into school while he gets settled? Or maybe arrange for him to start slightly later, you can drop off the 5 year old then take him to school when the buses are quieter and it's less stressful?

I totally agree with this.
I have realised when I give in, I'm teaching them how to control the situation.
In my experience if I've given in to the situation because my DS has been playing up, the next time it's harder to make them listen.
Being firm and staying firm is the answer.

As a parent of an autistic child who didn’t school refuse, I applaud your son.

it’s clear that the transition hasn’t been appropriately managed and a transition needs to be put in place.

id get the ball rolling on the ehcp straight away. He’ll catch up on learning but the damage done to his mental health may never be undone.

Are you autistic?

Even if not, the threat of being hit is a horrible thing.

No but some need help and support which was what the OP was asking for.
Also there are alternative ways to get an education. It doesn't have to be school.

He's missed the first couple of days of school now so it's going to be all the harder to simply pop him on the bus. All the accommodations that would be made - tours of the school etc for new students will be largely done.
That ship has sailed.

So, in your shoes I would email the school this afternoon. Include the Head of Year if you know who they are, but basically anyone who has contacted you in writing from the school.
Say that you are taking your 5 yr into school tomorrow morning and then proceeding to senior school and you would appreciate their support and to confirm who to ask for on arrival.
It's the first week of year 10, if the first session isn't maths or similar then I would also say that your oldest child will be late and accompanying you to support. He will be able to show you both where to go so you are not dithering at the wrong gate and you can sign him in as late when you arrive.
Your older child could also give a bit of a running commentary on the way to point out landmarks, when to know to get off or start moving to the lower deck for example.
Hopefully having you both there will make all the difference towards actually getting him in the door.

I have little experience of autism but I suspect that you may also be on the spectrum and be somewhat overwhelmed by this transition and school refusal too. I am sorry that you are parenting 4 kids solo, that must be very hard.

Can you access his timetable online? So you can hopefully identify any favourite or new subjects that might appeal that are happening tomorrow and chat about those.

Lastly, if funds permit could you meet them both at the bus stop when they get home and do a first week of school treat like an ice-cream? Appreciate that might be pretty pricey for 3 kids and a baby.

Maybe we should put people with disabilities back in asylums then.
Out of sight, out of mind and the world can be utopia.
Sarcastic. Obviously.

Agree with this. I know it's hard but you can't just shrug your shoulders and go "oh well" if you want him to attend. You have to at least make efforts in getting him there. Better late than never. My DC has gone in at 10 or 11am more times than I can count, as the anxiety eventually abated once the initial pressure was off.

If you really don't have any neighbours or friends going the same way to the primary, can you put 5yo in breakfast club - I know they're being rolled out for free in many schools - then take 11yo in? It would give you a bit more time.

I'd also say no screens if he doesn't go. They are so addictive and unsociable, most kids would choose screens!

Wow you sound amazing! How resilient are you that you coped with wet socks all day!

How did you warm up?
I’m guessing you have heating on - schools don’t.

There is a thread about someone using the toilet to do a poo and you really think adults would cope going to school again.

Look at some of these threads and you’ll soon realise how precious some adults are.

But my point still stands that an 11yo struggling with school is no indication that they’re going to struggle in a job when they’re older.

Some posters are forgetting that school refusal isn’t a new thing.

It is just tracked now and parents made aware.

Before this kids would just pretend they’re going and bunk off.

I'm autistic and refused to go to secondary school most of the time.

I preferred doing chores all day with no TV or internet to going to school.
I preferred being outdoors all day in winter pretending I'd gone to school than actually going in.
I enjoyed doing schoolwork at home instead, although my parents didn't want that to be an option.

There is literally nothing my parents could have done at home that would have made 'go to school instead' the more attractive proposition, short of becoming actively abusive. My aversion to school was that strong.

This! It's a sensible and realistic suggestion.

It's a tough week as the y7 staff team have a lot to be dealing with but it's really important to make sure you're communicating absolutely everything with them and working as a team.

I know a lot of parents local to me who had similar concerns, issues with school transport etc. It's a big change and a long summer holiday.

Is there anyone who could help you with the younger children so you can accompany your year 7 into school tomorrow? Maybe it would help to have just 1:1 with you?

Poor lad. He must have been so overwhelmed .

You know he has issues around change yet you prioritised the younger kids and left it to your 14/15yo to try and manage?

How many times have you taken him on the bus to practice? Did you consider putting him on an early bus to avoid the crowd? Did you do a trial trip to school in summer term so he’d know what it was going to be like on a real day?

How old is the baby? I would guess a huge part of his problem is the lack of a father figure in his life and the fact you’re distracted with your younger kids.

You need to do better, OP. Bit late now you’ve got a 4th baby, that was not a great idea.

Been there, done that, doesn't work.

Yes but he does have autism. So we know it's SEN. We didn't know DD2 had SEN and tried to force her into school. It didn't work, she has SEN we found later. Stop talking out of your arse about things you have NO CLUE about.

Even schools without a free breakfast club have free spaces for pupil premium if you 5 year old qualifies for that. Even if not def worth talking to the school about. I worked at an infant school where we would work with the local junior schools to allow some flexibility for similar scenarios so parents could get both children to both schools

Yes it was called truanting. I sort of thought that schools tolerated it a bit because it meant the ‘troublesome kids’ as they would have been considered then, weren’t disrupting lessons.

There was less home schooling then also, although it did happen, more often by families that were a bit alternative.

I didnt leave my 14yo to manage anything. I tried to take him myself yesterday but he ran in the road and i panicked and also had my baby and 5yo with me so couldnt exactly run after him
and today he wouldnt even get his uniform on

Dont see why im being judged because i have a baby its not relevant ds would be like this if he were an only child or not anyway it wouldnt suddenly make any diffrence

Or alternatively, like DD2, she is well-supported by her parents outside school and it was literally only secondary schools being not fit for purpose for someone bright with very mild SEN which was the issue. She does really well at work and pretty much everything else she does.

@dinosaursroars ive been there and there’s a lot the school can do as “reasonable adjustments” with the autism diagnosis under equality even without the EHCP . My teen had access to a breakfast send group so they could go in up to 30 mins early before the crush of kids at the gate, chance to check in with a send ta which helped ease them in. Plus they could then leave 10mins early to miss the exit crush, also a card to leave class, access to a quiet club at lunchtime and eventually a modified timetable including sensory breaks. They dropped languages, history to reduce demand on timetable. Also had forest school. They eventually got a EHCP at the start of year8 but did leave MS school after 18mths battling on. Try to work with the school in year 7 to see what they can offer. Good luck.