AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

[YourShyLemonGoose]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

I’ve mentioned a few already but it’s mainly the lack of boundaries and discipline. She has no manners and will just cry and cry if she doesn’t get her way. I think this also the reason she pretty much gets whatever she wants when we’re out at the shops or a funfair etc.

he’s wrapped her in cotton wool and I fear for the results!

I do think it’ll work out but I think the way he is with his DD is a complicated issue

I don’t think she needs an assessment as she seems NT to me. She just needs boundaries and encouragement.

like I said I think it’s completely different when you’re living together. I’m hoping we’ll be more aligned when it’s our shared child and we’re under one roof! So I don’t think he’ll undermine me it will be a discussion together

You would be very foolish op to continue to ignore the signs you are being clearly given, because you want to make it work with this bloke. You would have a bit of a point that he might parent differently, in terms of being a Disney dad. But - the potty training!! You know you’re talking bollocks because it’s easier online than looking a friend in the eye and telling her that he’ll be different when living together. Bollocks will he. In the potty training the ex is trying to make it work, and he is undoing it all because he can’t be arsed. And you know it.
you can push on with pretending he’s something he’s not to yourself I guess. But it’s not just you. You’re thinking of giving your baby a useless parent. And that isn’t fair.

I think keeping silent is the thing I’ll struggle with as I think he just needs some gentle pointers from someone looking in on the outside. It might hurt but sometimes the truth does…

I suppose so, I mean the ex has only tried a couple of times but yes both times he’s been the one to suggest going back to nappies I think

You make a good point about the different rules to be honest. I can absolutely see that becoming a thing

Hope is not a plan, especially when he's already shown you the type of parent he is. He's unwilling to say no to a 3 year old. His child is being held back developmentally by his shit parenting. He gives her bottles at night. Do you know what bottle mouth is? Doesn't that give you the extreme ick?

His refusal to parent has already harmed his child. Your child will have to live with that child and him. That's not going to be a healthy family situation, having an indulged child living with one who has rules.

One of the most important life decisions you will make is the father of your kids and this one is a fail.

You clearly want to make it work with him. So just hang fire on the ttc for a bit. See if your gentle nudges work. Sit back and watch him put his own effort in to potty training. See if he gives up and leaves his ex to it, after he’s cleaned shit off the floor a few times. Your ‘different in other house’ desperate defence doesn’t folllow through for putting effort in to potty training. Just pause a bit, there ls no rush.

For someone who says she knows she’s not the child’s mum and doesn’t want to overstep, you sure are acting like you’re her mum and therefore overstepping

You moved in way too quickly with a silly timeline for reproducing with this man and you seem so set on it that you are making up fantasy justifications that “Oh it’ll be different when it’s OUR baby” and “the real problem is the ex”

Already didn’t think much of this situation but you lost me completely when you called the three-year-old child of divorce a brat

I'm a parent and I think unless he starts to behave like a parent he will ruin his child. Who said parenting was easy?

But his girlfriend can't really say anything. It won't end well.

Can’t believe you’ve called a 3 year old a brat. You should split up and don’t have children.

Silence is the only realistic option because the child is not yours and both parents have adopted the same lax parenting style with her. If you intervene, you will be confronting four challenges at once: 1. Building a relationship with a man you see as the father of your future children 2. Coaching the same man, who is a parent, as a non-parent yourself 3. Proposing a different approach to the one taken by the other parent, who you have no relationship with. 4. Setting up a confrontational relationship with a child who is not yours.

From what you describe, he needs more than gentle pointers because the fundamental element of effective parenting is totally absent: boundaries.

Why did the relatiinship with the mother end?

It's not fair of OP to call the child a brat. The child's behaviour is a product of how she's being raised. No child is born a brat.

If your partner is very passive, or you think he’d get defensive when you tell him your thoughts, do not have a baby with him.

My DH was similar to your partner, his (very lovely but also very lively!) children would just run rings around him because he let them, and then he’d feel like the worst dad in the world if he ever had to tell them no. He felt guilty for leaving them, and didn’t want them to resent him.

I was sort of unbothered about having children of my own, I’d known from being a teen that if I ended up having children I’d be delighted, but I also wouldn’t be devastated if I never did. I accepted that if this was his parenting style, that we wouldn’t have children together, because it wouldn’t have been “fair” for them to have been raised totally differently.

I felt I had no right to discuss this with him, especially not being a parent myself at the time, but because I knew that he wouldn’t have reacted defensively and actually worked on things, everything changed for the better.
12 years on I’ve got my gorgeous step-children, and a gorgeous “one of my own”. All disciplined, happy, loving, and loved.

If you think it's difficult now, you really have no idea how difficult adding a baby to this will be.

You are with him a year, already moved in, and planning a baby with 12 months.

Slow down.
He is showing you who he is, a Disney dad.
They are an absolute disappointment and disaster, even more so when it will increasingly impact you.

Bottom line is that he is lazy and being a lazy parent means you will pay the price.

Children like this rule the roost increasingly and the teen years are brutal.

You have been warned.

OP, you've said a few times that you think it will be different (i.e. he will be a better parent) when you are living together and parenting a joint child, but why give this hypothetical scenario more credit than what you are literally seeing before you right now? Additionally, you can never know what the future holds, and you don't know that you will always live together.

Not saying you mustn't do it - just saying go into it with your eyes wide open!

I didn’t know but I’ve just googled it and oh my! I mean her teeth already have that sort of shape but aren’t decayed at all. It doesn’t give me the ick as many kids have it at the school I work at , but yes it isn’t fair on the child to be giving into habits that do that to their teeth.

you raise some very valid points, thank you.

You’re right maybe I need to give it some more time and consideration. There’s no rush at all really

I’m not acting like her mum I just want what’s best for her!

and yes I probably shouldn’t have a called her a brat. It’s only how she’s been raised and that’s not her fault. She acts like one yes, but she isn’t one

You’re right I think. As tough as it’ll be maybe I just need to bite my tongue

About 2 years ago

Being "ready" for potty / training is pretty much nonsense to me when talking about a child who is closer to 4 than 3 and has no SEN or health conditions.

Any parent who gives up on teaching their child to potty / toilet train at this age needs to have a serious look at their priorities. Of course it can be a slog; however children need to develop the thought process of "What's that feeling?" - "I need a wee/poo" - "I need to get to the toilet". And as a parent you need to give them the opportunity to do so. Putting a nappy back on just interrupts and shuts down the whole process.

Genuinely curious what’s attractive about a man who needs ‘gentle pointers’ about parenting from someone who isn’t a parent?