AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

[YourShyLemonGoose]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

So you have to align yourself to his parenting, not the other way around. Because, out of the two of you, he is the parent. When it comes to discussion about your shared children, that's the point at which you two agree how the two of you parent your shared children together.
For the record, I fully support not making the child eat when they are not hungry and to allow them to make a choice of what they want to eat (out of limited options provided by the parent). So, as you can see, we all have different opinions on parenting.
Nobody takes kindly to unsolicited advice about the way they parent. So take his lead on this one and have a conversation about your own when you are ready to TTC.

Why the heck have you moved in with a boyfriend after less than a year together? Especially one with a child?

What does that have to do with anything? Is there an official guidance on the acceptable moving in date?

Also, clearly your parenting ideas are not aligned so you have your answer there.

You think it's good for a 3 year old spending her life between 2 homes to also have daddy's girlfriend of about 9 months move in?

Most people don't even introduce the new partner that soon let alone move them in.

It also means the child has OP there when she's meant to be spending time with her dad.

And you don't think it's rushing the relationship at all?

Maybe if OP hadn't rushed moving in she would know she and her boyfriend have different ideas about parenting and she's not keen on his.

I think you’re going to end up miserable. You seem to care more about what’s best for her than he does, you’ll drive yourself insane watching him do a shit job and there won’t be anything you can do about it.

I’ve got a 3 year old btw, he’s never seen a tablet, he was bf so hasn’t had bottles but he’s been drinking out of a proper cup or glass for years, he eats what we eat at normal meal times, he tidies up after himself and he’s generally very reasonable and agreeable because he’s parented properly and consistently, as were his older sibling and half siblings. By all means see how you feel in a year but he sounds like a useless parent and you’re going to lose all respect for him. I was a step parent before I had my own fwiw and I respected the job DH was doing with them hugely, if he’d been like yours I’d have run a mile because I wouldn’t have wanted to have my own kids with someone I didn’t respect.

I'm not concerned about "most people". The OP is already there. It's a bit like the MN's famous "why did you have a second child with this guy" as if they can magically undo the child's conception. You haven't actually added anything helpful to the discussion.

There's nothing to suggest he is offering limited choices. And this op is someone with specialist Knowledge on child development.

OP, its pretty Common an MN for step parents or those in relationships to get a hard time. I'd be very concerned about this mans priorities and willingness to step up.

Preferably once they have ascertained they have similar values to the things they regard as important. OP has now discovered they do not share similar parenting values which will lead to a difficult future should they have children together.

Why did the BF agree to this? He is surely more at fault?

She can undo this though. She can move back out and go back to dating.

Several posters have said versions of "run" or "this isn't going to work." If she had just been dating it would have had less impact on the child's life if things go wrong and they split. This is one of many reasons why people should take their time to get to know each other.

Yes, I agree with you.

Yes we are living together and would like to TTC sometime within the next 12 months

Thank you for your understanding! and no limited choices it’s literally whatever she demands he’ll cook up

If you are questioning his parenting why on earth would you TTC? he won't be any different

If you have your own children, are you going to want to parent them the same way his child is parented?

If not I'd really reconsider your long term plans.

Why would you do that when you don't agree with his parenting?

So he's a lazy 'fun dad' who spoils his child because he can't be bothered, can't be bothered to get rid of the bottle or potty train. Doesn't care about screen time, doesn't care about diet.

Is this really the father you want for your own child?

OP is allowed to have an opinion. Just because someone is not a parent does not mean they can not have an opinion. That is such a weak argument. Every single point she has made is valid.

OP it is his daughter so my advice is stay out of it. Make sure you do not come in and fix things or interfere either. A lot of his behaviour is likely guilt driven for whatever reason. I would think twice about having children with this man as you will likely have very different parenting styles.

You would be absolutely mad to ttc with him when you feel this way about his parenting. Not naive, mad. Will you insist your child learns manners, eats vegetables, is told no, has a bedtime, isn’t addicted to screens at 3? If so how on earth is that going to work?

It's not remotely extreme and it is very good advice. You'd be far better to find a man without young children, but if you insist on sticking around, be on the lookout for being the nanny with a fanny.

Nonsense! I didn’t have a child until I had one, and I didn’t let them behave like this. He has no boundaries in place, he’s going to raise a monster.

He sounds like a rubbish parent. Not just for the reasons you have mentioned but also for letting you move in so early on in your relationship. A good parent would have barely introduced you to their DC at this point.

I would move right out again and end it.

He will be the same type of parent with your DC and both you and any future DC deserve better than this.

He’s done this because he wants an extra pair of hands to help with his child. Someone here has already suggested why doesn’t the OP help with potty training incase this poor man just can’t do it himself.

He’s met and moved in with someone within a year of leaving the mother of his child. Looking for a nanny with a fanny comes to mind

OP I would try to have a think about how the situation is going to look in the future if you have a child you are trying to parent your way, alongside a step child who is being parented differently. It doesn't really matter what either of your styles actually are, just that them being different is going to cause all sorts of issues, and you are going to have next to no influence over what he does with his daughter. Add in the part time v full time child dynamic and I suspect things won't be easy.