AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

[YourShyLemonGoose]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

Sounds like hes trying to be a Disney dad. I imagine you'll end up stepping in and parenting if you stay together!

Are you a mother?

I don’t think you are and until you are only then you can understand what parenting is like!

It’s not easy first time round either so give the guy a break

This won't end well. Get out of there a.s.a.p

This isn't going to get any better unless he makes an effort to change. Think carefully whether you want to remain involved.

I try to stay well out of commenting on how my partner parents his child. If she is spoilt, that's no skin off my back. I only give my advice when asked for it.

Funny you should say all that.
I’m starting to think that non-parents, and possibly cats and dogs too, ought to be invited by government think tanks to advise modern parents about their primary responsibilities.

Stay out of it . Let him parent his child his way . Just don't offer to do anything for him that he should be doing . As a parent he probably knows to pick his battles by now and some things aren't worth arguing over .

I know a person like that she gets everything she's 6 now she started spitting and smacking now and there was no repercussions 1 time she smacked there was no u shouldnt do that it was like it's normal but I stay out of it

This sounds like my ex husband. Our DD is now a late teen but he simply would not parent at all and let her do what she wants. We separated when she was 13 and at 14 she went to live with him as she got anything she wanted and the life of Riley. She missed two years of school as he wouldn’t make her go. I arranged an online school instead and he couldn’t even ensure she went to online classes.
your ex is indulging himself by wanting to be liked by her rather than doing what is best and being a parent
I’d give it a miss

This. Until you’ve got a child, you cannot get it.

You're not wrong, but there's nothing you can do about him wanting to be a Disney Dad.

I feel sorry for the mother, who gets to see her parenting undermined by a man to lazy or weak willed to even help potty train his 3 year old.

So he left them when she was 2? It’s all far too soon. If you don’t like his parenting now it’s not getting to be any easier long term

She might have left him?

She’s still a baby op, I have a 3 year old and she is so bossy, little girls are 😆 I agree he needs to lay down the ground rules but as I said she’s so little, especially him not living with her full time she’s going to get the princess treatment ! You’re going to end up resenting her though op, believe me I’ve been there and it wasn’t until dsd got older I bonded properly with her and realised she was a product of her environment (also just her personality)

@Boomer55 Total rubbish. The op has actually been very honest and is recognising the issue in that this child is getting mixed messages and poor parenting.

Dad is not parenting effectively and I bet this child is not cooperating with mum as a result. It’s vital parents are on the same page and this dad just isn’t bothering and the Op can see that. It doesn’t take a mum to see the issues here!

I’m a mum but I didn’t give in all the time and of course I recognised the need for potty training methods to be consistent - and did it. This dad isn’t doing it!

I would, op, maybe suggest you help with potty training? Men want 50:50 and then don’t step up. Is this your partner? He might feel potty training is something he cannot do and maybe help from you will be appreciated? Perhaps talk to him about spoiling dd because ultimately this will affect your relationship.

He’s presumably doing 50:50 to save paying mum any money. Is this best for DD? I’d suggest not. Too much time with him is leading to lazy parenting but this would be a red flag for me! He’s not a responsible parent.

It's not your concern, really, nothing to do with you. If I were you I would carry out a small test to see what he expects of you,, make it very clear you will not be moving in with him and you will only let him stay at yours or you stay at his in the 50% of time when he doesn't have his DD. If he loves you for you he will be happy with this, if he is looking for a nanny with a fanny he will not stick around.

In general I think I agree but other than the toilet training - which you don't think she was ready for anyway - you haven't given any examples to judge by.

How often are you there? You've only been together a year and he only has her 50% of the time. You don't need to be there much so soon surely? Don't get sucked into stepmum role and make sure they have lots of time just the two of them.

Sounds like the dad should be wary

I’m not but I am a primary TA so have lots of experience with young children!

It’s a good way to be I guess, I just think if we want to be together long term (and maybe have some kids of our own) then we need to be aligned when it comes to parenting

Some great advice, thank you!

These are also some great suggestions, thank you!

I think this is probably a bit extreme but thank you!

He lets her have her iPad or watch tv whenever she wants, eat what she wants for dinner (or refuse to if she’s not hungry or busy playing), buys her so many toys she forgets what she even has! Just generally letting her run the place really. Oh and she still has a baby bottle of milk at night (and some mornings too) which I don’t think are very good for her teeth.

I moved in a couple of months ago so I’m there all the time. I really want the best for her and to be a part of her life, I just need to be more aligned with her dad on parenting

I genuinely would never live with a man who has young kids because this is such a common issue.

Shes only 3 so her behaviour isn’t going to be perfect but it’s very common for first time parents, especially separated ones to go easier on them.

It’s hard to tell if you’re being too harsh (and perhaps a little jealous) or if she’s genuinely spoiled

No good will come of saying anything though.

Are you living together?
When are you thinking of TTC?