AIBU to think my boyfriend is too soft with his daughter?

[YourShyLemonGoose]

My boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter from a previous relationship who he has about 50% of the time. She’s a lovely little girl but I do feel like she pretty much runs the house when she’s with him, as he seems to have absolutely no backbone with her!
I know it comes from a place of love and he absolutely adores her, but I worry that constantly letting her have what she wants is going to make things harder for everyone as she gets older.
We’ve been together just over a year and I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s given in when she wants something. If she doesn’t want to do something, he generally just lets her get away with it rather than having a battle.
There’s also the potty training thing. Her mum has tried twice, and I don't think she was ready either time, so I’m not blaming him for that. But he hasn’t really carried on with it at his house either, and I do wonder whether things like that are going to become harder if there’s no consistency between the two homes.
I’m very aware that I’m not her mum and don’t want to overstep, which is why I’m asking here rather than trying to parent her myself.
AIBU to think he needs to be more of a parent and less of a friend to her? Or am I expecting too much from a 3 year old?

so, together about a year, moved into together, him
with 50:50 3 yo and issues/resentment. Not going tO
end well. Too much too
soon. When I was dating, I never let the partner meet my child for a year. Suggest you working as a TA is not a conincidence on his decision for you to move in.

It's called lazy parenting and it will backfire very soon when he's stuck with an entitled brat. I would not stick around for the teenage years because they will be hell. Talk to him! Explain that good parenting includes love AND boundaries because the latter makes children feel safe. You can take any book covering child psychology and it will explain the importance of boundaries and how screen time is addictive and should be minimised for children, especially young ones. If he's a good but ignorant father he will change his ways. If not...run for the hills !

This bloke has given you a gift. He has shown you how he likes to parent his daughter and you don’t like it.

He will

• parent any child you have the same way and you won’t like that. The work you will have to put in to make up for him should make you resentful now, before you even start.
• parent the child he has now the way he always has (which you don’t like) and have no interest in any child you provide him. He will be totally immersed in his daughter with nothing left for any more and you rightly won’t like that.
• he will parent his daughter the way he always has (which you don’t like) and parent any new child awfully - holding them to ridiculous standards, begrudging any attention or achievement and you rightly won’t like that.

Remember, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. And he is a walking billboard. You can do better.

And you have come to Mumsnet looking for the benefit of other women’s experience because you see your future and you don’t like it. Believe Mumsnet.

Yep, huge red flag that he's done this. These threads always depress me. Adults so wrapped up in themselves and their fantasy futures and the kids are collateral damage. Making blindingly obviously poor decisions and always thinking it'll turn out differently for them. Sure they are wiser or just more in love than all those other, lesser, couples. Then when it goes wrong they won't admit it because they feel stupid to have made such obviously poor decisions, while people around were advising against. More time and effort wasted flogging dead horses trying to make the family life they imagined rather than cutting losses. Miserable time for the children. Then they split and there's now two kids experiencing loss and upheaval. And all these men just in it for the easier life.

Before anyone says MN hate stepmums, I have nothing against step parents of either sex at all. My objection is to adults rushing relationships when there are children are involved.

God some of these responses are horrific. Going to raise a monster? As he buys too many toys and hasn’t followed through on potty training. Potty training is about hormones and if she’s not ready she’s not ready.

op. You’re not her parent, she has two parents, this relationship has moved very fast. You can gently suggest but you need to let this child’s parents, parent her.

Father's can't win can they? They do nothing their useless but if they do anything thier accused of bieng Disney dad's at least he cares enough to see his child if you don't want to be a stepmother leave now his daughter should always come first

Yes there is nothing Disney dad about this.

No way, why should OP be doing the parenting that dad isn't doing?

OP if it were a woman with a 3 year old she would be told she had introduced her new boyfriend far too soon. The first year of a relationship is someone on their best behaviour, trying to impress. has he expressed any interest in understanding her better? in finding out how best to potty-train? in learning how to be a better parent? and to co-parent as well as possible?

if not, and if his is the effort he is putting into his first born do you really want to explore having kids with him?

learn from other women on here who took on the step-parent role far too soon and found themselves to be maid and nanny

Don’t you also want to have kids with someone who isn’t an absolutely shit parent?

I find these threads baffling. ‘Hi everyone, I’ve found out my boyfriend is selfish, lazy, a rubbish parent and a coward. I’ll obviously carry on seeing him, leaving him hasn’t crossed my mind, in fact we’ll probably have kids together.’

Wtaf?!? He could, you know, maybe parent? Taking a lazy selfish route to never say no to your child, results in that child growing to be not a particularly likeable person.

I think we need some examples.

So you can already see his parenting style firsthand and don’t like it in the slightest by the sound of things yet think TTC is the correct thing to do? The mind boggles.

Imagine how useless or toxic a man would have to be for a woman to send him packing despite sharing a child younger than two (assuming there was no overlap)

It amazes me that there are still women willing to give these men a go, and even plan to be pregnant themselves by him within two years, living with him within one year.

You’re not expecting too much of a three year old, you are expecting too much of this man.

Good luck to all of you.

WHY would you want a child with a man whose parenting style you fundamentally disagree with?????

Seriously. He isn’t going to magically change, or parent your child any better than the existing one. He is literally showing you the type of parent he is. WHY on earth would you want to subject yourself to having him as your partner (or more likely ex partner forced to share your child z50:50 so he doesn’t have to pay you anything).

A primary school TA doesn’t earn very much - how are you going to support yourself when the inevitable and absolutely bloody obvious split up happens ?

I don't think this is going to go well op. You barely know him and you already find his parenting falls short but have moved in and want him to father your children??

I don't think being a TA is anything like parenting

That might be worse!

He absolutely should be setting boundaries. He should also be potty training his child.
If I were you op, I’d move out and only see your boyfriend on the days he didn’t have his dd.
Don’t be yet another woman giving free childcare to unrelated dcs.
Also whatever you do, do not get pregnant!

What is it that she is failing to “get” exactly?

OP is absolutely spot on. I have two young children (5 and 3) and I’ve never once given in. It’s so easy not to. Because of this, they know I mean what I say.

Some of the comments are so vile ‘he’s trying to be a Disney dad’ … ‘presumably he does 50:50 to avoid paying….’ Maybe, just maybe, he’s a guy who loves his kid and is trying his best.

I think as parents we all know we shouldn’t let kids run the house, but it’s so hard in practice, when trying to give children agency and an enjoyable life. Most parents are just trying their best, and not getting the balance right.

I sometimes look at my husband and I and think we give in too easily. We’re not always consistent even though we are happily married. I know how to parent in theory but the practice really is learning as you go.
OP I think you should pick something you know he’ll give in with and offer before hand to help him be consistent. Eg.’ Dan I just wanted to check if we are taking Ellie to soft play today, I know she’ll be moaning to go, but is it a firm no? Is there anything I can do to help her understand no means no?’

it sounds like his heart is in the right place, so support in consistency would be helpful.

Why would you have a child with someone when you don't agree with how they parent an existing child! Think down the line how this will go for you. You'll have a new baby and he will have an 4/5/6 year old who will no doubt be much the same as she is now. You won't be able to say anything about her to him and you'll probably be accused of preferring your newborn over the existing child. Sounds great!

If you’re talking about having a baby together it’s fair game to chat about parenting decisions.

I would be furious if my husband gave
my kids and iPad at all (we both agree it can be used on plane/train journeys). I also set the tone for TV watching eg. I don’t like her
watching just before bed so I’ve asked
him to let her have 15 mins as she eats her supper and then reads stories/does jigsaws etc until it’s bath time. I’m not sure how I’d feel if he didn’t agree.

Unless she has SEN a three year old girl should be out of nappies. But is the parents job. .maybe he thibks as you a ta you will take this on

You made a mistake moving in with a Disney dad who doesn't say no to his child. Yes, things like toilet training aren't possible without consistency.

His kid runs that house, not you. Think about bringing your child into that house with a spoiled child. Your parenting styles will be incompatible. You won't be able to parent over him and he's not going to do it your way. And there will be resentment all over the place and likely with his daughter too.

You've moved in already after dating for less than a year and the two of you really rushed things given he has a young child.

Run.

Geez, I missed she's still using bottles and he gives her one at night. She's going to have bottle mouth and lots of dental care in her future. He's not looking like a good parent at all.

Wait until the said daughter is a teenager and older. The Disney dad will suffer for his softness now.

I think given your belief that a parent should parent, the OP should end the relationship.

And little boys aren’t bossy? Or are they “showing leadership” and “strong character”?